Gamehiker Member OG 7 Page 2

Pages in the Gamehiker Member OG 7 Archive

1 - 2 - 3

Author: Golem

~The General Zarrier flips over once again, and to everyone's surprise, zooms off of the road and towards a farm.~

Vorpal: Before anyone starts making suggestions, my foot is planted firmly on the brake pedal, and I made sure it was not the accelerator.

Masamune: Bail, idiot!

Vorpal: What--heyyy, Masamune is a wuss! "Look at me I'm in a runaway car and I'm SCARED! Wahhh!"

Masamune: ...But Sapphire bailed already!

Vorpal: "Buh Sappha bahhd too!"

~Soon enough, the car crashes into a barn and stops immediately. Inside is nothing but a box that floats using a jet on its bottom. On each of its sides is written a massive amount of text. However, so much text is written that, in order to fit it all on, the font is an illegible size.~

Box: BWAHAHA! Never thought you'd see Buio Giuseppe again, did you, Dark Ditto?!

Vorpal: Who?

Masamune: Where are we, anyway?

Biuo Giuseppe: What?! How could Buio Giuseppe's plan have failed?! ...And you're on the set of Harvest Goers, the sidekick amongst main OGs.

~An invisible fist punches Buio Giuseppe, and he transforms into a dragon about two Vorpals tall.~

Buio Giuseppe: Time to take you to the dungeon where soon the other protagonists will join you!!

Masamune: So I take it you're the "real" leader of the sidekicks or something, and you're hiding here for some unknown reason.

Buio Giuseppe: Oh, yeah, he is their leader, thanks. Buio Giuseppe was worried he'd have to do all the exposition himself.

Author: Masamune

Sapphire: Hey, just stopped by after jumping out of the car. Nice two Vorpals tall dragon.

Masamune: You mean two Masamunes tall.

Sapphire: No.

BG: Anyways, Buio Giuseppe have to kill you all now.

Masamune: I can't die, see there's this big book here...

Vorpal: *coughgodmodercoughcough*

BG: You'd be surprised what you can live through.

Masamune: Not really.

BG: Well uh, Buio Giuseppe can transform into Murasame.

Masamune: Checkmate.

Vorpal: Is killing us really neccessary? You could just kill ONE OF US and send the other two back to warn the others to move to Mars or something.

BG: Tempting but no.

~suddenly a large robotic hairy ape like figure approaches~

King Kong: Hey!

~I distinctly said robotic~

King Kong: Aww....

GORE: Pwned. *jumps in the fray* Am I late?

Masamune: Yes.

BG: Buio Giuseppe was just about to kill these main characters. You're just in time to die too.

GORE: Wait! You can't do this! I have a medical problem! Dying is dangerous to my health!

BG: Oh.

GORE: Tell you what, I'll come back tomorrow-ish with a doctor's note to see if I can participate in this whole 'dying' thing.

BG: Buio Giuseppe is afraid the only way you're leaving is through a fight scene.

Narrator: Oh very well.

~Vorpal roars a battlecry and unsheaths his katana. He starts waving it to and fro, with his eyes closed, mouth wide open, and his hair blowing in the wind. BG watches as Vorpal continues to hack and slash in the wrong direction. In the meantime, Sapphire unleashes a blue parasol which is similar to Lady in Red's red parasol but is merely coincidental. She jumps in the air, opens it, and sort of gets stuck in the air waiting to come down.

Masamune goes next. He retrieves his sword and raises it over and behind his head and circles BG. He then moves to strike, accidentally dropping his sword in the process. GORE goes next, since for some reason attacking at once is against the rules. He picks up a huge rock. But it was damp underneath and a drop of water drips into his robotic arm, temporarily deactivating it, causing it to slip out of his head and hit his head.~

BG: Is that the best you got?

Vorpal: Man, I don't think we've messed up that bad since that time in Kansas.

Masamune: I don't remember being in Kansas...

Sapphire: I told you the therapy would work.

GORE: I thought I waterproofed this arm.

BG: You poor fools. While you were distracted by the man in the King Kong suit, a black cat crossed your path. All four of you are cursed with bad luck!

The Four of Them: Noooooo!

BG: Yes. In fact, you're so useless now Buio Giuseppe is going to spare you and fly off to do harm somewhere else.

~Meanwhiles~

Straw Man: Ha! You can't win, I had my car waxed today.

Luigi: You don't have a car.

Straw Man: Of course I have a boat.

Golem: What's sad is that we don't get a fight scene.

Straw Man: Exactly. Minions, grab them!

Sidekicks: *grab eachother*

Straw Man: No no no. Grab THEM! Those meddling Gamehikers.

Sidekicks: *grab Luigi, Golem, and Lupus*

Lupus: I'll have you know I'm a major villain in another timeline.

Straw Man: One in which I do not care, which is this one except not.

Golem: It's no use kidnapping us. No one will bother rescuing us and we'll end up escaping ourselves.

Straw Man: So I should kill you?

Lupus: Kidnapping works for me, actually.

Author: Luigi of the Pipes

Vorpal: Well, he just left us. What do we do?

GORE-ILLA: TRASH THE BARN!

Masamune: Yay!

~Vorpal, Masamune, and GORE-ILLA set about to the ever important task of destroying Buio Guisseppie's barn. Sapphire just kinda stands there and hates them.~

Sapphire: Guys. You do realize that we're still in the barn, right?

Vorpal: Don't worry. We're destroying it from the top down.

GORE-ILLA: Oh... ~pulls fist out of a broken support~ We are?

Vorpal: . . .

~The barn collapses and crushes them all. GM watches from the shadows on one side of the scene, and the sidekicks watch from the shadows on the other side.~

~Meanwhile, Lupus, Golem, and Luigi are led away by Straw Man.~

Straw Man: Nothing like a leisurely morning drive to get the hair flowing.

Golem: Hair?

Luigi: Drive?

Lupus: Nothing?

~Straw Man stops and all of the others crash into him from behind. Standing in front of them is Donkey Kongo, holding an orange grenade launcher.~

Straw Man: It's GORE-ILLA.

Golem: No, GORE-ILLA is a robot.

Straw Man: So is he.

Golem: Only he's 100% not a robot.

Straw Man: Just like GORE-ILLA, exactly.

Donkey Kongo: I should have you know that my kneecap is robotic. Now give me your prisoners or I will be forced to destroy random scenery because death is not on the menu tonight.

Straw Man: I don't have any prisoners.

Donkey Kongo: They're right behind you.

Straw Man: No, you're right behind me.

Donkey Kongo: No, I'm in front of you.

Straw Man: Right, because you're behind me.

Donkey Kongo: But...

Straw Man: NO BUTS!

~Donkey Kongo's kneecap transforms into a baseball-pitching machine and shoots a baseball into Straw Man's groin. Straw Man doesn't actually feel anything, but pretends to anyway and falls over.~

Straw Man: Oh. Argh. Ow. My womanness.

Donkey Kongo: Who wants to be next?

~Lupus, Golem, and Luigi quickly line up behind Donkey Kongo.~

Donkey Kongo: That's what I thought.

Author: GORE-ILLA

*Masa, Vorpal, GORE and Sapphire are trapped within a booze cellar beneath the barn.*

GORE: (chugging down some booze) I told you I'd get us out in time.

Vorpal: Oh great he's drunk in this OG too.

Masa: ...He's a robot.

Sapphire: (sighs and petends the others don't exist)

GORE: Has anyone seen my homework (vomits motor oil on Sapphire)

Sapphire: .... (slaps GORE)

*On the surface Donkey Congo leads Golem, Lupus and Luigi into the middle of a jungle and tosses them into a wooden cage. Then he smirks at them while he chews on a rabbit.*

Donkey Congo: Haha, how do you feel, trapped in the ultra-hard bamboo cage?

Golem: This is wood. (snaps a bar off with his hand) Even I can break it. You know something's wrong right there.

Donkey Congo: Shut up! You losers are mere bait for the ultimate prey!

Luigi: Man?

Donkey Congo: Sorry, I don't swing that way. The prey I seek is... the mechanical gorilla! The most advanced of all lifeforms! Somehow. Anyone want some rabbit?

Lupus: Aye.

*Elsewhere EVIL Scientist Dude does some bad stuff.*
D

Author: Masamune

EVIL Scientist Dude: What is this 'D' doing here. Long has it alluded me in its infinite meanings. It must be a sign. A sign that I must take a vacation. To Bermuda. *calls up travel agent*

Travel Agent: Yeah. Uh, can I help you.

EVIL Scientist Dude: I need a ticket to Bermuda pronto!

Travel Agent: Arright. *click*

EVIL Scientist Dude: *puts phone down*

*doorbell rings*

EVIL Scientist Dude: *answers* Yes?

Mailman: Your ticket has arrived.

EVIL Scientist Dude: Bah, took you long enough. Well get out of the way, I have to be at the airport yesterday.

~MEANWHILE~

Sapphire: *holds up the fabric of her oil covered clothes* This motor oil is never going to come out!

Masamune: Black looks good on you.

Sapphire: GORE is going to pay for this!

GORE-ILLA: Madame, I am a ranking officer in the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada. I pay for nothing.

Masamune: Hey, I'm the pirate around here!

GORE-ILLA: Hmph.

Masamune: Now, being the pirate captain here, I'll take charge.

Sapphire: Shut up. We're not going anywhere until I can buy some clothes and get a shower.

GM: Can I come?

Masamune: What are you doing here?

GM: Hiding in the shadows.

Sapphire: Whatever, come on.

Vorpal: Why didn't I get a line? (Sad)

~ELSEWHERE~

Donkey Congo: Why aren't they coming!? Where could I have went wrong. *pulls out to do list* Make a big scene, check. Kidnap prisoners, check. Wait in base for GORE to arrive, check. I don't get it.

Lupus: *slinks out of cage* Listen, Stan. Can I call you Stan? I happen to be a villain too.

Donkey Congo: *glares*

Lupus: Right. Anyways, I see where you went wrong and I think I can help.

Donkey Congo: It better be good.

Lupus: *pulls out a sheet of paper and writes something out*

Donkey Congo: What's this? (Glare)

Lupus: A Ransom Note.

Donkey Congo: ... oh yeah.

~ELSEWHILE~

Lady in Red: Much better.

GM: Hey lady, you seen Sapph? She went in the changing room and never came out.

Lady in Red: *pulls off hat*

GM: Oh there you are. Well let's get going.

Mailman: Excuse me, sir.

Vorpal: Hey, you got to make two appearances, good on you.

Mailman: I have a message for one Pablo GORE-ILLA.

GORE-ILLA: Grand Moff. Grand Moff Pablo GORE-ILLA of the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada.

Mailman: Whatever. *hands a message over and leaves*

Masamune: Well?

GORE-ILLA: *reads it and begins sweating nervously through sweat creators pointlessly installed on his body* Oh. *starts walking away*

Vorpal: *snatches message* Donkey Congo, what kind of loser name is that?

GORE-ILLA: I have to go... far... far away, bye.

*Masamune and Vorpal grab him and pull him back*

Sapphire: Who is Donkey Congo?

GORE-ILLA: A hunter from the darkest, deepest, most terrifying jungle.... *starts trying to walk away again*

~Vorpal and Masamune pull him back again~

GM: How come there were tildes this time?

Masamune: Let's do it right this time.

*Masamune and Vorpal grab him and pull him back*

GORE-ILLA: I barely escaped with my life the last time, even though the archived version of GMOG3 doesn't depict it being so bad, he is in fact a cold blooded murderer.

GM: Odd, I would have figured he was a mammal.

Sapphire: *hates him*

Vorpal: The note says that he has Luigi and Golem held captive.

Masamune: Well that's okay then.

Sapphire: *glares*

Masamune: Okay... for us to get ready to save them!

Sapphire: Better.

GM: It'll probably come down to GORE vs. Donkey Congo anyways, so we probably won't have to do anything.

Vorpal: Yup. *turns around* Hey, where's GORE?

Masamune: *sees GORE running down the street outside the store* Gone, it seems.

GM: Shouldn't we go after him?

Masamune: Nah, I'm pretty sure he's going to 'boldly' rescue his comrades.

GM: Oh. Are you sure?

Masamune: Nah, he's running for his life. Ah well. I'm gonna see if this place has a hat department.

Author: Vorpal

Marin: I get so confused as to who is where and with whom all the time.

Tiffa: What are you talking about?

Dark Ditto: Ah! So here is where those deserters ended up! *standing in front of demolished barn*

Tiffa: How can you tell?

DD: Well... the miles of death and destruction that led us to this point, and the car half buried in this rubble.

Marin: Do you think they're *gulp* under that?

DD: I sure hope so.

Tiffa: What?

DD: *cough* I mean, not unless they were all struck with some real bad luck when they were distracted by a man in a gorilla suit.

Marin: That's oddly.... specific...

*GM, Masamune, Vorpal and the Lady in Red come walking back to the barn*

Masamune: Heya!

DD: *under breath* darn it...

Tiffa: What happened to you guys?

Vorpal: Well, me, Masa, Saph and GORE all got cursed with badluck when we were distracted by some guy in a gorilla suit, and GM happened to be in the shadows of the cellar underneath this barn.... it's probably the only thing that saved us. And we came back to try to salvage the General Zarrier...

GM: *inspecting the GZ* Yeah... this thing ain't ever coming back. *back axle falls off with a slight touch from GM*

Vorpal: Confound this rotten luck!

~Elsewhere~

GORE: I've got to get away... hopefully this bad luck will wear off soon. *walks underneath a ladder* I've just got to be careful from now on. *walks by a novelties shop* Oh! I've got an idea.

~A little later inside the store~

GORE: What do you mean you're out of lucky rabbit's feet!?!

Turkish Dude: Like I said. I just sold my last one.

GORE: WHAT!?! Which way did he go?

TD: I dunno... Left maybe? *GORE runs out of the store* But that was like an hour ago...

*GORE runs down the street, and quickly turns a corner, not noticing that two movers are at that exact moment moving a large mirror, and are in GORE's direct path. GORE slams into the mirror, causing it to break*

~Back at the demolished barn~

*The group stands around disjointed as Dark Ditto devises a plan to rescue his team members from Donkey Congo. The girls and GM stand around discussing things*

Marin: So... is this bad luck thing real?

LiR: It sure seems like it.

GM: I think you're all just over reacting. Things like this happen to you guys all the time.

Tiffa: Not to change the subject... but does anyone get goosebumps looking at Vorpal?

LiR: *gags*

Marin: No...

GM: Ye-... uh... I mean no.

Marin: Why are you asking, Tiffa?

Tiffa: I dunno... it's just... something about him.

*Vorpal and Masamune are sitting on a hill, overlooking the large tanker fire that is still burning.*

Vorpal: You know... I think my bad luck started before that black cat. I mean... Kuria just hasn't been very prevalent in this OG. For all I know she's joined up with those side kicks...

Masamune: Well... at least you had somebody. I didn't have anybody... and I still don't. If you ask me... this bad luck thing is just a hoax.

Tiffa: *walks up* Hey... Vorpal.

Vorpal: Yeah?

Tiffa: You... uhm... think we could... you know... date?

Vorpal: Uhhhh....

~Zoom into the workings of Vorpal's mind~

Angel Vorpal: Say no, you idiot! You don't know that Kuria's abandoned you. She just hasn't shown up since the first post!

Devil Vorpal: Yeah... but Tiffa's a hot cat girl! Worry about the consequences later.

Angel Vorpal: Good point.

~Zoom back out~

Vorpal: ... sure?

Tiffa: Yay! *jumps into Vorpal's lap and holds him*

Masamune: (Shocked) ...... *grumbles* lousy bad luck...

---

(please don't bring Kuria into this story just yet.)

Author: GM

(GM and the other two girls look at the new couple. Dark Ditto's still thinking of a plan by watching Iron Chef on his PSP.)

GM: Wait a minute... Wasn't that cat chick stalking the android Don Miguel made?

Marin: Tiffa's very fickle, and not very smart. She has been written pretty tastefully in the last post though... But I still think she's a dumb slut.

GM: Oh... So, either of you lovely ladies single?

LiR: No, and even if I was, you smell like a frat house. Go away.

Marin: I have mace!

GM: ...Okay then. Going away.

(GM walks away from them disgruntled. He takes a seat on the hill near Masamune and Vorpal.)

GM: Thanks a lot, Vorpal. You take the easy chick and you leave me with the ice queens.

Vorpal: Sorry, but it's your problem.

GM: Asshole.

Masamune: I'm not happy either, but don't swear. This is a family story.

GM: You mean family's would bother to read a story about cheesecakes and sword people and stuff? I doubt it.

Masamune: ...You dissed the OG's.

GM: ...So?

Masamune: We must duel!

(Masamune suddenly suckerpunches GM.)

GM: OW! You dick!
__________

(Back with GORE. His search for the possessors of the rabbits feet has thus far been unsuccessful. He now had several shards of glass stuck in him from the mirror he ran through. It must have been really hard glass if it pierced his metal body.)

GORE: I know that it's here! I can sense it in my feet! The emerald's power allows me to feel!

(As GORE ran, he stepped on several cracks. While not giving him any bad luck, ESD started to feel some major back pains. Eventually, his travels lead him to one house.)

GORE: I have a feeling it's gonna be a fun daaaaaay!

(He sprinted across the lawn and burst through the guy's wall.)

GORE: Toot Toot Sonic Warrior!

Don Miguel: What the!?

GORE: I am the freedom!

Don Miguel: Oh God! Are you here to kill me!? I knew I should't have asked Cobrax to go get McDonalds!

(Gore wanted to demand the lucky rabbit's feet, but a glass shard disabled the part of his brain that let him speak in anything that weren't lyrics to songs from Sonic the Hedgehog games.)

GORE: Give up the emerald, OR DIE! I don't love you!

Don Miguel: ...
__________

DD: Okay, enough of this! I knew I should've gotten the Japanese Iron Chef! This American version isn't as good. Okay everyone, we've got to get this plot moving, so I've finally come up with a plan! We-

(When he turned around, all he saw was everyone gathered around Masamune and GM, who were brawling.)

Marin: Kick his smelly frat house ass, Masa!

LiR: I don't like either of you. Choke each other.

DD: Um. Hello? I have an idea? Move the plot along?

(Everyone ignored him.)

DD: ...Well, screw you all! Stupid "good" characters. I'm going over to the tanker fire. I'll be roasting some marshmellows until you're all done. And none of you can have any!

(Everyone still ignored him.)

DD: Assholes.

Author: SOAP

(Andi and MJ show up.)

Marin: Finally your ass decides to show up.

MJ: Sorry. Family issues. What's with Masa and GM?

LiR: They're fighting to the death.

MJ: Cool.

(Urchin lifts up his chubby hand and Masa and GM's heads collide at such a forth that they both knock each other flat unto their backs.)

Marin: Serves you guys right.

MJ: Where's Tiffa.

Marin: She was here a second ago.

LiR: Come to think of it where's Vorpal?

(Vorpal and Tiffa emerge from the bushes upon hearing their name.)

Vorpal: Um... 'Sup MJ?

LiR: Vorpal!

Vorpal: What?

Lir: You already have a--

Marin: Nah-ah-ah-ah. I wanna see where this leads.

Tiffa: What are you guys talking about? Vorpal was just showing me his sword.

Marin: -_- Yeah. I'm sure!

Author: Masamune

~Meanwhile in a totally top secret base~

Donkey Congo: Your friends don't seem to be showing up.

Luigi: I never figured they would.

Donkey Congo: So sure of that?

Golem: It's basically an OGer's Code.

Luigi/Lupus/Golem: Never come to the aid of another unless it serves your own interest.

Donkey Congo: That's some code.

Golem: Well, it was admittedly drafted by Luigi 64.

Donkey Congo: Perhaps I'll have to raise the stakes. What usually gets their attention?

Luigi: Trying to kill them.

Donkey Congo: That's it?

Golem: Sometimes destroying the world works, but only at the last minute when they realize no one else is going to save it.

Lupus: Or post degrading comments about them on web forums.

Donkey Congo: Perfect!

~Meanwhile~

Masamune: Anyone notice how this has degraded into some chick flick or something?

GM: No kidding. *puts cards down* Full house.

Masamune: That's good, but we're not playing Poker.

GM: Oh, well, you didn't see these cards.

Dark Ditto: Hey, look at what this says here on Gamehooker Forums. "Vorpal is a poopy head with chin hair not fit to call a beard".

Vorpal: WHAT!? *throws Tiffa to the side and looks* Oh my mannish pride ruined!

Dark Ditto: And "Masamune is a sissy girl name".

Masamune: No! *writhes*

Dark Ditto: "GM stands for Girly Man".

GM: Aaaaargh.

Dark Ditto: "Sapphire is a RP Lover".

Lady in Red: It's not true! Okay, it is...

Dark Ditto: "Tiffa is-"

Vorpal: Okay, that will do. Who posted all this?

Dark Ditto: DonkeyKongaR0x0rZ

Masamune: I know that screenname... Donkey Congo.

Vorpal: He's toast.

Author: SteveT

Straw Man (Still rolling on the ground in pain): I sure showed him.

Dodo: That monkey just took our prisoners!

Straw Man: Let him go. I have a plan.

Slort: [This is one of those times you're telling the truth, right?]

Straw Man: Sorry, I don't speak Portabelli

Slort: [It's Goombelli]

Straw Man: No, it's Portabelli

Slort: [I knew it! You understand me!]

Straw Man: Of course I do. Goombelli is the easiest language of the world.

Slort: [But...you...portabello...]

Straw Man: No comprendo.

~Meanwhile~

Masamune: Donkey Kongo should be in the furnace room of this old abandoned barn

Vorpal: Another barn?

Masamune: There's a lot of barns in this part of town

Vorpal: I guess so. In we go, then.

~In they go~

Masamune: My pirate senses tell me that something is amiss.

GM: Why do you say that?

Tiffa: I am also here.

Vorpal: [looks out the window] SWEET MADAME BLUE!

Masamune: [bounces eyebrows] I think he likes you, Saph.

Lady in Red: ...

Vorpal: Look outside.

~Outside, all the sidekicks are walking in a very slow, undeadesque fashion toward the barn.~

Masamune: We're surrounded!

Vorpal: And I don’t' have the shotgun yet!

GM: This is where you find it, dummy.

~The sidekicks get closer~

Straw Man: The revolution is nigh!

~The sidekicks start beating against the walls, but make no real effort to get inside~

Straw Man: Now all my plans come to fruition.

GM: We're doomed!

Dodo: [is thrown very high in the air]

Tiffa: They'll break through the windows every second

Slort: [[is also thrown very high in the air]]

Masa: Somebody's throwing stuff.

SteveT: [throws Roy very high in the air]

Straw Man: Steve! What are you doing? You're my sidekick. You should be on my side.

SteveT: [throws Straw Man]

Vorpal: I'm not convinced that this is any better.

SteveT: [Smashes through the wall.] Hello

All: Umm..hi?

SteveT: Shut up.

~awkward silence~

Masamune: [draws his sword and starts beating against SteveT] Everyone stand back! I'll fight him in the distance future! I know how to handle him!

Straw Man: [lands] You'll lose that fight!

SteveT: Stop that.

GM: You mean you aren't here to kill us?

SteveT: Not in this story. Here's the deal. You stop throwing parties and I stop hunting you.

Lady in Red: What if I like parties?

SteveT: Ok, Straw Man's a better villain than me. There, I said it. I'm a good guy now.

Vorpal and Masamune: Oh, that makes perfect sense.

Author: Luigi of the Pipes

~Six hours later~

Donkey Kongo: Still no reply? I can't think of any better insults than "Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries."

Lupus: Well, you can't get much better than that insult-wise. Maybe they're all sick.

Golem: Well, you two obviously need help.

Lupus: And what do you propose, Mr. stuck-in-a-cage?

Golem: I was the original GMOG villain, you know. If you let me out, I can help you move on to phase two: destroying the world and making them save it at the last second.

Donkey Kongo: Ponder ponder...

Lupus: Rednop rednop...

Donkey Kongo: Deal. What do you have in mind?

Golem: Well...

***

Masamune: I fear this is still the end. FOR ALL OF YOU! Immortality rules, whoo!

SteveT: Preach.

Dark Ditto: Don't listen to them. All we have to do is...

~Everyone across the planet suddenly gains an extra 100 pounds of body mass. They all fall over, unnaccustomed to the extra weight. Boats sink, bridges collapse, airplanes fall out of the sky, Louie Anderson roams city streets. Typical apocalypse. People roll into stores, screaming for every available diet fad, until the stores explode from overcrowding. Lupus appears on every TV screen on the planet.~

Lupus: Attention peoples of earth. In ten minute's time, this new flux of weight gain will become permanent, unless some daring heroes come to stop us at our secret base at 134 Lincoln St. Good day.

~9:59:99 minutes later~

Golem: ~reverses the sudden-weight beam~ Crap. Even that didn't work.

Luigi: (Eating Popcorn)

Donkey Kongo: WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?!

Luigi: I'm not laughing at you behind your backs. Not at all.

Lupus: What do we do now?

Luigi: Since I am also an ex-villain, I suppose I should volunteer to help you guys with phase three: trying to kill them.

Donkey Kongo: Ponder ponder...

Lupus: Rednop re--

Luigi: You don't have to do that every time.

Donkey Kongo: Fine. How do you propose we kill them?

Luigi: By... hunting them down and killing them.

Lupus: Genius!

Golem: Why didn't we let you out sooner? Seriously.

Donkey Kongo: Ah, but what good is a team-up of four villains unless we have a truly teamish name?

Golem: Ponder ponder...

Lupus: Redn--

Luigi: Stop!

Donkey Kongo: We shall henceforth be known as... THE DK CREW!

Lupus: Taken. TWIFATIT?

Luigi: Wrong timeline. The Dozen and Two Squad?

Golem: Um... B.A.D.G.U.Y.Z.?

Donkey Kongo: What does it stand for?

Golem: That's the best part. The good guys will be so busy trying to figure out what it stands for, that we can kill them before they realize it stands for nothing.

Donkey Kongo: Brilliant! Let's go, B.A.D.G.U.Y.S.!

Golem: It's with a Z...

Author: GORE-ILLA

*GORE wakes up in a tub of ice.*

GORE: Ugh... what happened? Wait- where are my kidneys???

*GORE leaps out of the tub and poses dramatically.*

GORE: POR QUE????

*Do robots even have kidneys? Anyway, four figures watch from the shadows.*

Luigi: Let's get him now!

Donkey Congo: No! He is the greatest pray of all- we must save him for last.

Lupus: What? C'mon, it'll be easy, he's too busy screaming about kidneys or something.

Donkey Congo: His death can wait. When the time is right I shall go Kraven on his robot ass.

*Elsewhere at Don Miguel's house...*

Don Miguel: (rubs a jar of robot kidneys) Score!

Author: Masamune

Vorpal: It's nice not to be fat.

Masamune: No kidding. All that extra weight made it impossible to pick up a donut sandwich.

Steve: All that fat left stretch marks on my armor.

Vorpal: Well we should- hey, where'd everyone else go?

Masamune: Too many people, we've been relocated into a small 'focus' group by cross-referencing compatible skills, motivations, and ease to remember.

Steve: That makes sense. After all we all are super villains.

~pause~

Vorpal: Wait... I am, aren't I?

Masamune: Super... villain....

Steve: But I just became a good guy.

Masamune: It'll be just likein the the Party Goers Boo-

~both shush him~

Masamune: Err, Party Goers Bootleg OGs that don't exist in which we team up.

Vorpal: Good idea. So, I say we infiltrate key sectors of the American Government, rig the election, and make ME PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD.

Steve: There's only three of us and the elections are three years away.

Vorpal: Fine.

Masamune: I have a better idea anyways. We infiltrate military bases around the world, steal all the nukes and-

Steve: Ransom the world for a million dollars?

Masamune: Better... blow up the ocean!

Steve: How did you two ever get to be the major villain of an OG and not me? Okay, this is what we do. We go back to the others like none of this ever happened. We plant the seeds of discontent, turn all of them against eachother, and when the time is right, execute them one at a time and feast on their innards.

Masamune: Easy for you to say, you don't have a digestive system.

Lady in Red: There you guys are. Figures you'd get lost.

Dark Ditto: Come on, we got an anonymous tip about Straw Man's location.

Author: Vorpal

Narrator: All the sidekicks stand around the barn where all the Gamehikers were... at least until everybody got fat... Then they became .. not fat... and the Gamehikers were gone.

Straw Man: Fret not, my sidekicks! We will hunt your oppressors and then I shall be king!

Dodo: You know... I've been thinking... it's not all that bad being a sidekick... I forgot why we were even striking in the first place.

Goom: Yeah... and who made you our leader anyway? Isn't that what we're fighting against? Shouldn't we all be leaders?

Straw Man: What is this I hear? Is this a mutiny?

Ba: Maybe we could have a rotating leadership model, where every hour one of us function as the mob leader.

*Everyone mumbles in general agreement.*

Straw Man: Fine! If it's that way... then I declare myself the leader for this hour! Done! Final! Let's finish these Gamehikers off so I can be king!

Rhyk: No... I think we should vote on it.

Straw Man: *sigh* Fine... everyone who wants me for their leader?

*No one raises their hand*

Straw Man: ... "don't raise your hand" was the end of that sentence.... *but looks around to see everyone's hand raised at that exact moment* Dangit!

Author: Luigi of the Pipes

Lady in Red: That's it? Your anonymous tip told you to come back to the barn we just left... again?

Dark Ditto: That's why we're here, yeah.

Lady in Red: . . .

Dark Ditto: What?

Lady in Red: Nothing. That's just... just... ~shakes head~ Who was it?

~Masamune, Vorpal, and SteveT snicker.~

Dark Ditto: Are you saying I'm an idiot? Too trusting?

Lady in Red: Yes.

~Masamune, Vorpal, and SteveT laugh.~

Dark Ditto: How DARE you!

Tiffa: So, are we going in?

Masamune: Of course. ~offers arm~

Vorpal: (Evil or Very Mad) Why you little...

SteveT: ~grabs Masamune and Vorpal and pulls them aside~ Discontent between them, not us.

Masamune: Oh. Sorry.

Vorpal: Ahem. ~offers Tiffa his arm~

~They enter.~

Straw Man: I'M YOUR LEADER AND THAT'S JUST SCIENCE!

Sidekicks: GET HIM OUTTA HERE!

Straw Man: I AM out!

Sidekicks: TEAR HIM TO SHREDS!

Straw Man: I AM in tatters!

Sidekicks: STEAL HIS BRAINS!

Straw Man: Oh... um, look! Absolutely nothing! ~points and runs~

Splog: Now who'll lead us?

Roy/Kaiser Bear V: I will. HEY!

Roy (as Kaiser Bear IV): Step aside, Son.

Kaiser Bear V: No way, Dad. And... other villains... It's my time to shine!

Roy: I'm not too dead to smack you around some!

Kaiser Bear V: I'll show you! ~charges Roy~

Roy (as Roy): Hey... hey wait! No! ~runs~ Aaaaaaahhhhh!

~As they charge off, the mysterious figure in the trenchcoat that everyone ignored floats up.~

???: I'll lead you. Because I am... ~throws off coat~

OGers: Giuseppe!

~The sidekicks turn to face them with evil grins.~

R.O.B.: Party. Time.

Giuseppe: Wait. Bring the one called Dark Ditto to me.

Dark Ditto: Stay back. I warn you. ~transforms into a two Vorpals tall dragon.~

Vorpal/Lady in Red: ~gasp~

Masamune: Two Masamunes tall...

~Giuseppe hits Dark Ditto with a suppin beam, which turns him back to normal. R.O.B. grabs Dark Ditto and carries him to the stage.~

Giuseppe: We can all hold this man responsible. Because he killed my master, Ditto McCloaker. Because he abandoned his own sidekick.

Dark Ditto: Lies! I've never had a sidekick!

Buio Giuseppe: Buio Giuseppe doesn't appreciate that.

Dark Ditto: Blast...

OGers: ~gasp~

Giuseppe: Unlike you and Ditto, Buio Giuseppe and I get along fine. We have a common enemy in you.

Buio Giuseppe: Giuseppe and Buio Giuseppe organized this sidekick rights movement. Other sidekicks should not have to suffer Buio Giuseppe's feelings of unwant.

Giuseppe: Or my depression and lack of direction after Ditto's demise. We cannot be sidekicks anymore!

Sidekicks: RAAAAAAH!

Giuseppe: If our masters oppose us, we will hospitalize them until they understand!

Sidekicks: RAAAAAAH!

OGers: ~ulp~

Giuseppe: And we will mark our independence with the death of this... abomination!

Sidekicks: . . . raaaaaah?

Dodo: Kill?

Slort: [Hmm...]

R.O.B.: A.F.F.I.R.M.A.T.I.V.E!

Splog: Yeah!

Goom: Whoo!

Ba: Do it!

Rhyk: Yeah, whatever.

Pikachu: Chuu!

Fred: I like licorice!

Tamagon: Am I still here? Oh.

Giuseppe: Is that everyone? Okay. Zambi! Eat his brains!

Zambi Yoshi: Muhhh guhhh nuhhh...
[I used to be a star. This is pathetic...]
~drags himself onto the stage~

Lady in Red: Do we HAVE to save him?

Vorpal: He did make us sign that contract...

~The OGers charge the stage. The sidekicks charge the OGers. Mayhem ensues.~

Masamune: Dodo, don't do this!

Dodo: I'm sorry Masamune. None of this feels right. ~pulls out a sword~ If I'm wrong, I'm sorry.

~Dodo swings at Masamune. Masamune blocks and begins rapid strikes, driving Dodo through the crowd. It's really hard to hold a sword with wings, you know...

~Vorpal, meanwhile, is tackled by Goom, Ba, and Tamagon.~

Vorpal: Wait! I don't even have sidekicks! Why are you attacking me?!

Sidekicks: NO LOVE! NO LOVE!

~Pikachu shocks Rhyk, who channels the energy and shoots it at Lady in Red, but she shoves her parasol into the floor and balances on top of it, using it as a ground. Fred uses his mallet to bat Splog into the parasol, knocking Lady in Red off.~

Lady in Red: HEY! I shouldn't have to fight you three!

Rhyk/Fred/Splog: Golem/Lupus/Luigi isn't here.

Lady in Red: . . .

~GM tries to rush the stage, because Don Miguel isn't here and Zambi Yoshi was sorta once for a very short time his sidekick, but he is swarmed worse than a mosh pit and beaten by a million foes.~

GM: Invincibility! What's the freakin' code for invincibility?! Aaaah!

MJ: Hey... we don't have sidekicks.

Andromeda: Yeah. So?

MJ: So we should just leave.

Andromeda: ~shrugs~

~MJ, Andromeda, and Urchin slip out the door, passing Marin and Tiffa.~

Marin: Why do we have to fight the unnamed extras? ~karate chops someone~

Tiffa: Maybe because we're kinda sidekicks? ~claws someone's face~

Marin: It still sucks!

~SteveT, meanwhile, just kinda goes around and messes with everyone.~

SteveT: Good thing Lynel's not here.

Lynel: ~enters~ Hey, what did I... oh, Steve! I-I-I was sleepwalking! Where am I?

SteveT: ~sighs and grabs his axe~

Slort: ~eating popcorn~ [I could stop this...] ~eats more~

~Zambi Yoshi opens his mouth, his tongue slowly reaching for Dark Ditto's head. The tip of his tongue opens into a saw-toothed mouth, which emits another tongue, which opens and emits another tongue, which opens and emits another tongue, which opens and emits another tongue, which opens and emits another tongue, which opens and emits another tongue, which opens and emits another tongue, which opens and emits another tongue, which opens and emits another tongue, which opens and emits another tongue, which opens and emits another tongue, which slips itself into Dark Ditto's ear and starts reaching for his brain.~

Dark Ditto: Wait!

Giuseppe: Wait.

~Zambi Yoshi waits.~

Dark Ditto: Buio Giuseppe! I'm sorry! Give me another chance!

Buio Giuseppe: Buio Giuseppe doesn't believe you. He knows you too well, while you don't know him at all. ~turns to Zambi Yoshi~ Eat.

GORE-ILLA: STOP! ~kicks the doors in~

~Everyone stops and turns to GORE-ILLA, hoping for some sage advice to put everything right.~

GORE-ILLA: Has anyone seen my kidneys?

~All stare at GORE-ILLA, then return to fighting.~

GORE-ILLA: Yeah, thanks for nothing. Jerks.

~Donkey Kongo hits GORE-ILLA with an exploding coconut.~

Donkey Kongo: Let's go, B.A.D.G.U.Y.Z.! GORE-ILLA won't stay down long!

Zambi Yoshi: ~pulls tongue out of Dark Ditto's ear~ [Wait, B.A.D.G.U.Y.Z.? What does that--] ~is hit by an exploding coconut and explodes into a million tiny pieces~ [Ow.]

B.A.D.G.U.Y.Z.: For great villainy!

~Donkey Kongo, Golem, Lupus, and Luigi fan out and attack the OGers with surprise. Will more mayhem ensue?!~

Pages in the Gamehiker Member OG 7 Archive

1 - 2 - 3