Story:MMEDDP2 Chapter 2
| Chapters in Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik 2: The Vorpal Administration |
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Chapter 2[edit]
Vorpal, Ditto, and Saph step into the White House.
Ditto: Wow! Look at all these Presidents! Who's that?
Vorpal: Shh! Don't let the press hear you! Remember what Rush Limbaugh did when Algore didn't know some pictures of George Washington and Ben Franklin? He never let him live it down!
Saph: I think the living quarters are upstairs . . .
Ditto McCloaker: Man, talk about swank.
Saph: We'll have to do something about those drapes.
*Several members of the staff assemble to greet the new President. A man in black suit and dark glasses steps forward. He holds a black briefcase in one hand and extends his other*
Secret Service Agent: President Vorpal... Welcome to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Your new home for, hopefully, the next four years.
Vorpal: I grudgingly accept.
SSM: ...Sir?
Vorpal: Uh, I didn't mean that quite the way it sounded. I'm glad to be here.
*The Secret Service Man steps up and, abruptly, snaps a handcuff over Vorpal's wrist. The briefcase is attached to it*
Vorpal: What the He--? What is this?
SSM: Ahem... It's... Um...
Ditto: *whispering to Vorpal* That's 'The Football.'
Vorpal: "Football?" Doesn't look like a football to me.
SSM: It is the briefcase containing the Top Secret launch codes for our nuclear strike force. You will be attached to it night and day until the end of your term. No one is allowed to see those codes. Any unauthorized persons who learn the contents of that briefcase is subject to immediate execution.
Vorpal: ...Cool.
SSM: In any case, allow me to show you to your new office.
Vorpal: Man. I never had an old office.
Diito: I'll be darned. This whole place has that "New Hotel Room" smell.
Saph: You know, you're right!
*They are all lead into the Oval Office. Vorpal immediately runs across the room and hops over the desk into the "Big Swivel Chair." He gives it a couple of triumphant spins*
Vorpal: *sniffs the chair* Hmmm. Old-people smell. Remind me to have it scrubbed twice.
Saph: Check.
Vorpal: *looks underneath some papers* So, where's The Button? Can I send Air Force One out for Chinese? I wanna launch a missile strike against Gilligan's Island.
SSM: ...I'll leave you to get... situated.
Vorpal: This is it. This is what I've wanted all my life. And I got it. Goes to show ya what an unknown boy from Missouri who finds an evil sword in a cave and murders the President of Norway can do with a little hard work and determination.
*Ditto and Saph look at him harshly*
Vorpal: With... help from his friends, after all. *Laughs nervously* So, what's the first order of business?
Ditto: Very good, sir. The first thing I think we should look at is the state of your Cabinet.
Vorpal: Hmmm. Summon Bob Villa. Tell him I prefer Cherrywood.
Ditto: Uh, no. I mean, your group of advisors. Specifically, we should fist determine what to do about Sgt. Flutter.
Vorpal: Ah yes. Our good friend the turtle dove. How's he doing?
Ditto: Not good. He's been suffering from "shell shock."
Vorpal: Ha ha. No kidding. He's a turtle.
Ditto: No... I'm afraid he came back from Vietnam with shattered nerves.
Vorpal: *nodding gravely* I don't see what I can do about that. It happened to lots of people in 'Nam.
Ditto: Yeah, when there was fighting. This was last week... *smacks his forehead* He was there on vacation for God's sakes.
Vorpal: Yeesh. I think we'd benefit from taking him off the front lines.
Ditto: But, we can't just drop him. He's our close friend.
Vorpal: ...Put his name at the top of the "Secretary of Defense" list.
Ditto: Okay, but aren't you worried about claims of favo-
Vorpal: Nope. I'm President now; it's my decision.
Ditto: Oooookay. C'mon, Saph. Let's leave Mr. Bonaparte alone with his little power trip.
*they leave*
Vorpal: Hmmm... *stares out the window at the South Lawn*
Saph: *peeking in the door* Look at him in there. I wonder what he's thinking.
Ditto: Probably already charting the path of the free world.
Vorpal: Hmmm... Yes... tomorrow I'm definitely gonna send for some plastic flamingoes and stone gnomes for this lawn. I'll have this place shaped up in no time!
Masamune: Yep... yep.... yep... perfect! Two decent sized island... *presses a button and several fake building and people appear walking around* There! I call this Island... Boobaria! *picks up cell* Hows it going?
(other island)
Murasame: Perfect! Savaland is up and at'em... and now... we declare WAR!!!
(back again)
Masamune: Oh no *snicker* *puts telephone down* It begins....
Vorpal: Ahh... this is great... I wonder if I can get some people in here to fan me with palm branches...
???: Umm.. excuse me Mr. President...
Vorpal: That's Supreme Lord!
???: errr, yes Supreme Lord, sir. It seems we have the Empire of the Island country Boobaria here...
Vorpal: Boobaria!?
Ditto: Better let him in... *picks up cell phone* Seems I got someone requiring foreign aid Savaland... I'll have to be going. Hopefully you can handle this on your own... *walks out*
Narrator: Masamune walks in a few minutes later dressed in savage yet kingly looking clothing...
Masamune: Greeting great Leader of US of A!
Vorpal: Hmmm... do I know you?
Masamune: No me you not! I not Masamue either! I be Great Powerful Empire, Gablaprune! I come from Boobaria to help ward off enemy from Savaland. We wish ally with US of A!
Vorpal: Hmmm....
Elsewhere...
Murasame: I be chief elder of Savaland, many moons and seasons have ugly buttheaded people of Boobaria try stop our good people. We require help from Ameeriko!
Ditto: Hmmm.... Excuse me a moment, uh...
Murasame: Blurabame! Sun King Blurabame!
Ditto: ...Right.
*Steps away and pulls out his cell phone*
--At the Oval Office--
Vorpal: Well, you make an interesting case, Masa- er, Blurablune...
*RING RING*
Vorpal: Oops. The Hot Line. This is of vital national interest. Could you please leave, sir?
Masamune: Sure. *steps out*
*A line goes across the screen dividing Ditto and Masamune*
Vorpal: Talk to me.
Ditto: Well, it's Murasame, asking for "Federal Aid" to take care of their "enemies."
Vorpal: You're kidding. We got Masamune over here pulling the same stunt.
Ditto: Hmmm... So, with one move, they intend to swindle us out of billions of dollars, while draining our national treasury, and at the same time, dividing our foreign policy, so we can be criticized for disorganization.
Vorpal: ...Devilishly clever. Far more sophisticated than anything those two did ever thought up. *leans back* So, what do you recommend?
Ditto: Glad you asked. I thought... pss pss pss.
Vorpal: I can't hear you, there's a pss pss pss on the line.
Ditto: Okay, okay, I'll speak up, but turn off the speaker.
Vorpal: Okay. *pushes a button. Ditto's half disappears* Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mffpht! That's brilliant... You're welcome. Yeah, state dinner tonight... Not sure, chicken I guess; I'll have to check with Sapphire. See ya. *hangs up*
Vorpal: Mr. Basablune, please come in again.
Masamune: Who was that on the pho-... uh.. I mean, "Who that on magical voice carrier?"
Vorpal: Uh... Stalin. Anyway, I've decided... we can't give you the money. It just hasn't been earmarked...
Masamune: No! My country must have help against the-
Vorpal: ...So, we're gonna do the next best thing.
Masa: ???
Vorpal: Well, y'see, we got this HUGE military buildup that's just sittin' around collecting rust. That doesn't look good, ya know, and, I'd like to start off my Presidency by showing I intend to stand by my allies 100%. So, I figured we'd just declare war on Savaland and wipe em off the map.
Masamune: *popping eyes* NO! THANK YOU, BUT WE GLAD TO DO IT OURSELVES!!! IF YOU DON'T HAVE MONEY, WE UNDERSTAND!! NO NEED FOR NUKES!!!
Vorpal: Ah, don't worry about a thing. We got plenty. And you should be able to see the Mushroom Cloud from your island. But you might consider lead-based war-paints for the next coupla thousand years.
*The pupils in Masamune's eyes shrink to the size of pinholes as Vorpal casually pushes The Button*
Masamune: *popping eyes* JUSTAMINUTE! NEEDTOMAKEPHONECALL! BE-RIGHT-BACK! *zips out*
--Meanwhile--
Ditto: So, your Highness, we're just gonna cut out the middle-man and blow Boobaria away for ya.
Murasame: NO! DON'T!!! YOU NOT UNDERSTAND!!!
Ditto: Oh, no problem at all. We feel it's best to just eliminate possible threats to world security before they turn into Hitlers and Mussolinis. Just nippin' these things in the bud. Have a nice day.
*Murasame's cell phone rings*
Murasame: H-hello?!
Masamune: Clear out! Vorpal's launched a bunch of nuclear bombs at you!
Murasame: He's just launched a couple at Boobaria as well!
Masamune: Get OUT! Get OUT! Abandon ship! Abort plan!!!!
*Murasame leaps into the ocean and swims into the horizon*
Ditto: Ah, well. *takes out cell phone* Hey, Vorp. Yeah, he fell for it. How'd Masa take it? Wet his sheath, eh? Man, I wish I coulda seen that. Well, these sure are pretty islands. Why don't we annex them? We could build summer houses here. Okay. Anyway, I'll be there for the State Dinner. Be sure to invite the Cabinet Members to it, so they can participate. Who's organizing the affair? Sapphire? Great. This'll be her first action as First Lady. Can't wait. Think we'll ever see Masa and Mura again? ...Man, I hope so too...
Trent Lott: Well, here's the list for Vorpal's Cabinet. . . Who really doesn't care and thinks we should just say ok?
All: Aye!
Lott: The "aye"'s have it.
Vorpal: *a la Homer Simpson* Woohoo!
Saph: What?
Vorpal: I can get five toppings on my pizza for the price of one since I'm the President!
Saph: That's the regular deal -mmph-
Flutter covers Saph's mouth.
Flutter: Shh! Don't tell him that! He's still on his ego trip!
Vorpal: What was that?
Flutter: Nothing, sir! The first Cabinet meeting will begin in 0400 hours!
Vorpal: Okay, I'm gonna spin in my chair until then. Wheeeee!
Saph: ~sigh~ I think he's losing it. Why don't you do something Presidential?
Vorpal: Like what?
Saph: I don't know. Something . . .
Vorpal: Hmmmm . . .
Ditto: I 'unno. Declare war on someone.
*Suddenly, the Hot Line Rings. Everyone looks at it*
Ditto: Uh-oh. You're first important call. What are ya gonna do?
Vorpal: ...
*RING RING*
*Vorpal gets a funny look on his face. With a smile, he picks up the phone*
Vorpal: Hello.
Voice: Ello. Iz Vladimir P.U.'tin. I called-
Vorpal: ...You have reached the White House. Our missiles cannot be recalled at the moment, but if you leave your name and number and a brief message at the beep, we will be sure to get back with you.
P.U.'tin: Vat? Missiles?! Bot, I--
Saph: *snickering* Now, say "Beep!"
Vorpal: BEEP.
P.U.'tin: Prezident, you no fire missiles at Russia! Iz imperative you recall right now or ve vill--
Vorpal: BEEP. Thank you. You're call is important to us. Have a nice day.
*hangs up*
*Everyone bursts out laughing*
Voice: You pathetic fools!
*The lights grow dim as a silence falls over the crowd, and the sound of shattering glass is heard, and alighted by a burst of lightning the cloaked figure tosses back her cloak to reveal a red ballroom gown. She is sporting even the parasol, which she promptly closes after waving it around.*
Masked Woman: Behold.... The true Lady in Red! Mm hm hm ha ha ha ha!
Sapphire: What the-- HEY!! That's my outfit!
Ditto: Yeah! I gave all rights to Saph!
Vorpal: Who is that? I thought Saph was the lady in red?
Sapphire: I am!
Masamune: Well... now isn't this interesting. Now Vorpal, allow me to make a suggestion.
Vorpal: What's that?
Masamune: Promote me to be your advisor.
Vorpal: *thinks* What's in it for me?
Masamune: Well, it so happens, that I have a collection of DK ties made specially for you back at my HQ.
Vorpal: I'm sold!
Sapphire: *smacks self in forehead* GUYS!
Lady in Red: *ahem* I have come here for one reason, and one reason only.
Ditto: And what's that?
Lady in Red: To make ya'll suffer for getting in our way!
*The masked man comes behind her, the one who is dressed like Zorro*
Man: And ah'm sure that ya'll understand. *grins*
Sapphire: I'd know that mispronunciation anywhere. It's Dubya and Laura Bush.
Laura: The name's red. *She pulls the hat over her eyes* Lady in Red.
Ditto: ...
Laura: Unoriginality is the key to happiness. Now, for our first act of revenge...
Dubya: Y'see, we're takin’ over this here White House and there aint nuttin you folk can do.
Vorpal: Wanna bet?!
Masamune: Careful, Vorp. Remember, I'm your advisor, so you must listen to my advice very carefully.
Vorpal: *in hypnotized voice* DK ties...
Masamune: Correct! And now I advise you to get into a sword match with your foe... Dubya!
Dubya: *grins* Sure thang.
Ditto: Wait, Vorp! I thought I was your trusted advisor?
Vorpal: *puts his arm around Ditto's shoulder in a folksy manner* Y'see Ditto, it's like this. You're the V.P. Right?
Ditto: Right.
Vorpal: You know what a V.P.'s job is?
Ditto: ...?
Vorpal: A... very smart guy... once said a V.P.'s job is to get up each morning and ask if the President is dead. That's it. See where this is goin'?
Ditto: Uh...
Vorpal: It doesn't look good for a President's Vice President to have too much of a say in the President's actions. Ditto, the other Presidents have been laughing at me.
~points out the window of the Oval Office. There we see Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford, Ronnie Reagan and Bill Clinton snickering and high-fiving each other, high-school style~
Ditto: That's... bad.
Vorpal: Yeah. This morning Gerald Ford put a 'kick-me' sign on my back.
Ditto: So that's what this is. A popularity contest.
Vorpal: Let's just say that Masamune has... the 'ties that bind.'
Ditto: Ooookey dokey. Knock yerself out.
Vorpal: En guarde!
~Vorpal draws his sword. Dubya draws his and they fight a complicated, challenging, skillful duel... for 3 seconds. Suddenly, Vorpal is looking at his sword on the ground, since, being in normal form, has virtually no fencing ability~
Vorpal: Rats.
Dubya: Well, I'm glad that we could come to such an amiabalitious co- uh... agree-ance.
Missus Bush: Well, fashion wins over function. We'll be presiding over Washington now.
Sapphire: WAITAMINUTE!
Everyone: Wait?!
Sapphire: Yeah, wait.
Everyone: Well... can't argue with that... Guess not... She said 'wait'...
Sapphire: *marches up to Missus Bush* All right, I'm not sayin' only geniuses can take this office... And I'm not sayin' you can't take the reigns of Washington on looks alone. I'm not even sayin' the people aren't dumb enough to favor a person on basis of appearance. But... Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah... You gotta go through me first!
Missus Bush: Sounds like a challenge there, li'l missy.
Ditto: I propose *shoots an angry look at Masamune* that these two duel it out... at an Inaugural Ball! Winner takes the White House! A battle of ditz, glitz and... witz!
Dubya: Wits? I ain't likin' the sound o' that thar idear.
*Missus Bush and Sapphire look at each other eye-to-eye*
Missus Bush: I accept!
Sapphire: I can out glamour you any day.
Both: To the dance floor!
*Sapphire drags Vorpal by the ear to a dresser's shop. Missus Bush grabs Dubya's ear and drags him out also. They are off to prepare for the Inaugural Ball*
Ditto: So... how popular a First Lady is will be decided by how charming they are at public events? What about actual work they do on the Hill?
Masamune: ...Yeah, right.
Vorpal: You know? That was my wise saying that Laura Bush stole, I'm trying to be the next Ben Franklin and she takes all my good lines . . .
Ditto: Would you stop whining, that saying doesn't even make since!
Vorpal: But, it makes you think "Unoriginality is the key to happiness."
Saph: You noticed how she misspelled "happiness" when she talked?
Vorpal: Those Republicans, always misspelling what they say.
Everyone laughs.
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