Revision as of 14:54, 28 July 2007

Chapters in Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik 2: The Vorpal Administration

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Chapter 5

*next day, next episode*

*creepy background music*

Four months ago was a guy
Vorpal as his name, oh yeah
With his pal Ditto, how sly!

*The Lady in red appears and neat-o music plays*

But hey what's this, Bush and Gore?
Losing the election has left them sore! Ol' Masamune they're sworn enemy May become a piece of history!

Masamune appears with a big stupid grin as funny music plays*

The cabinet here to serve the Prez, all of them so wacky, oh yez! Ditto the right hand man, with the prez since he ran!

zooms up to Ditto looking professional and smart while the presidential theme plays*

Vorpal is the head honcho! He's ok even if he act Macho...

zooms up to Vorpal in PJ's playing N64 while the Mario Bros. Level 1 song plays*

Vorpal: TURN OFF THAT CAMERA! Narrator: Last time on Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panic, Tipper and the newest version of Algore shows up to gatecrash. With five minutes left until the big boom, can our political heroes stop them before it's to late?

Masamune: ... .... .... Vorpal: Someone do something! Tipper: There is nothing you can do! Because only I know of the on/off switch on his neck! .... oops...

Ditto and Vorpal look at each other and grin*

Sapphire: Hmm...and I always though the women were the brains.... Murasame: Since Gore is a robot, Tipper has to make some mistakes to even things out. Sapphire: Oh... ______________________________________________ PWD- Rocky, did you see my Nintendo character telekinesis telephone? Rocky- No.... PWD- You're not hiding anything, are you?? Rocky-...No. PWD- Give it back, Rocky!! Rocky- No!!! PWD- You're being stubborn today...actually, everybody is being stubborn today. Rocky- No, I'm not. PWD- *Sigh*...I wonder where President Vorpal and Vice President Ditto McCloaker are?....They've been gone a long time, and they usually tell us to get to work if we were lying around or something. Rocky- Yeah? Your point is...? PWD- They're missing. It's suspicious. Don't you think so? Rocky- Not really,... PWD- I hope they didn't get into trouble with any states

Masamune, heroically humps up, leaps over Vorpal, does a 360 spin. Lands on the ground, uses the momentum to thrust himself up, do a powerful kick off the wall, then slam Gorebot down to the ground. Then flip the on/off switch*

Vorpal: *shakes head* Show-off. Tipper: How dare you! *switches him on* Masa: *switches him off* Tipper: *switches him on* Masa: *switches him off* Tipper: *switches him on* Masa: *switches him off* Tipper: *switches him on* Masa: *Switches him off then pulls out switch* Ha! Tipper: You fool! You just caused the bomb to start countdown! Ditto: Crud... Secret Service men: We'll protect you Mr. President! *A hundred of them pile on top of Vorpal, while one stay to protect just Sapphire and Ditto* Ditto: Don't I feel appreciated... Masamune: I know! I'll use Instant Transmission to get them out of here! Vorpal: *muffled* Woo dunt haff dat puuuwer! Vorpal: Getph offph of meh! With a surge of great power, Vorpal uses the power of the Vorpal Sword and send all the Secret Service men flying. Vorpal slowly walks toward Tipper with red eyes flaring. Vorpal: You dare disturb my party! Tipper: Uh, no sir, heh, heh *switches off bomb* heh, uh, Looks like the Democrats are blasting off again! Tipper runs off with Gore. Ditto: Wow, I'm impressed, you actually looked very presidential when you took matters into your own hands. Vorpal: Thanks, you know, I think we probably should make wealth legal again. Saph: Good call. TDPJ: And so, the three companions walk off, the last to leave the party, this has obviously been a tough day, and obviously an eventful day, for President Vorpal. Join us tomorrow, when we shall sit down in an interview with Press Secretary "Weird Al" Yankovic. Until then, good night.

Ditto runs into Vorpal's Oval Office, alarmed*

Vorpal: What is it? Can't you see I'm hammering out the budget? *Puts hammer under desk* Ditto: Sir! It's Mexico! They want to fight us! Vorpal: What? Ditto: Vincente Fox, the President of Mexico is here. He's claims he's really upset because he wanted Dubya to be President. Vorpal: Dubya? Ditto: Yeah. From what I hear, they're really good friends. Vorpal: Hmmm... Send him in. Ditto: Okay. *peeks out the door* President Fox! You can come in!

He enters*

Fox: Dubya si! Vopral, no! I demand you step down! Vorpal: Now, let's talk this through. Why are you so mad? Fox: Mr... uh, Seen-yer Bush should have been president, until the Supreme Court elected you instead. Vorpal: But, the Supreme Court didn't select the President. They left it to the people. Ditto: *looks into the camera* Yeah, right. Fox: It doesn't matter, you, uh, caballero. Ditto: I hear you and Bush were really good friends. You both like tacos, western wear, and share similar views on the drug war, as well as immigration. Fox: Yes! Uh, I mean, Si! That is right. *flattens his mustache over his face*

Ditto and Vorpal look at each other*

Ditto: Uh, Mr... Fox. You know Dubya's number. Can you put him on the line? Fox: *Sweat* Uh, sure.

he dials*

Fox: Uh, Mr. ~ahem~ Seen-yor Bush, El President Vorpal wants to talk to you... Uh, yes. Uh, SI! That's what I meant to say! *hands it to Ditto* Ditto: Well, hello, Dubya. How ya doing today? Voice: Just fine. Uh, 'Whooopie!' 'Yaa-hooo!' Uh, "Fuzzy Math!"

Ditto nods to the window. Vorpal casually turns and looks out the window and sees Cheney in a phone booth across the street*

Ditto: I see... Okay, thanks. *hangs up* Scuze me, Mr. President, can you spell 'caballero?' Fox: *sweats* Uh, sure. It's, uh, c-a-b-b-a... uh... y-e-r-r-o. Ditto: Just as I thought. Name the President of Palastine! Fox: *sweats* Uh... Putin? Vorpal: No he isn't! Ditto: A ha! I knew it! There really is no President Vincente Fox! For you see, he is, in actuality...

walks up and rips his mustache off*

Ditto: ...George Dubya Bush! Dubya: No! Uh, I mean, uh, 'si.' That is, yes. Vorpal: Amazing! How did you know?! Ditto: Aside from the atrocious spelling, I remembered how we parodied Dubya as 'Zorro.' Vorpal: Oh yeah, that was funny. Ditto: And in Spanish, 'Zorro,' means 'Fox.' That, I realized, was where Dubya got the name. Vorpal: Well, well. *turns to Dubya* So there really is no Vincente Fox, is there? Dubya: *bows his head* Nope. Ditto: But, why? How? Dubya: Well, during Election 2000, I could see how bad my chances were against Algore. And, well, Mexico was... just so darn close! It's pretty close to Texas! Look! They're almost neighbors!

everyone rolls their eyes*

...I couldn't resist the temptation. Every day, when I came back to the Ranch from a speech, I put on a fake mustache, swam across the Rio Grande, and gave the same speech in Mexico, and I won! Ditto: Incredible. Vorpal: Well, Georgie, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to tell your Old Man. What will he think, hmmm? Dubya: Oh, he won't mind. He did the same thing. Ditto: What? Dubya: Oh, sure. Back in '92, in addition to bein' President Bush, he was also Mikhail Gorbechev. Vorpal: Get out. Dubya: No, it's true! Back when he was working for the CIA, he once did a job in Russia. He walked through a door he thought said 'bathroom' back door of the Kremlin. He washed his face, and reached for a towel, but he didn't have his glasses on. He grabbed a map of Eastern Europe instead, and some of the ink from Yugoslavia rubbed off on his forehead, and it looked like a birthmark. He couldn't find his glasses and walked into a Communist Party meeting. Next thing he new, they elected him President of Russia. When they asked him his name, he sneezed, and that's how 'Mikhail Gorbechev' was born. Saph: Well, I'll be darned. Ditto: Actually, that explains a lot. Vorpal: Pretty unbelievable, though. Dubya: Not really. Dan Quayle got lost in a women's lingerie department in Victoria's Secret. Next thing you know, *snaps his fingers* Janet Reno. Saph: Well, we all knew that.

Masamune: Well well well! That was almost TOO perfect! I was brilliant! Murasame: Excuse me, but I did the better act. ANYONE could fool that chimp Vorpal! Masamune: Ditto isn't exactly a genius either... Murasame: . . . anyhow, when they activated the missiles temporarily we got the codes! Masamune: Yes and their little summer homes are already being built! Murasame: Just imagine the look on the worlds face when we blow up America and Russia! And even Hawaii and Alaska while were at it! Masamune: Hoo hoo hoo! Whew... Murasame: ... Masamune: Gyahahahaha! Murasame: Kyahahahaha!

Ghost of Senator Mel Carnahan: I disagree that we should annex the islands of Boobaria and Savaland! Where are they anyway? And all President and Vice President Vorpal and Ditto want to do there is build summer homes within the United States and be Senators and Congressmen the rest of their lives! Ditto: That, uhh is not true! Um, Maybe not I, but my family members will be Senators and Congressmen. GhostMel: See! Thurmon: . . . Lott: I agree with Senator Strom Turmon. This country's going to shambles anyway.

Vorpal: Woohoo! Saph: What, did you get a double cheeseburger for the price of one? Vorpal: Well . . . yes, but enough about that, it's time for me to make a speech. Saph: But you have a cabinet meeting in 30 seconds. Vorpal: *through his teeth* I said I had to make a speech!

Vorpal walks out onto a podium. Vorpal: My fellow Americans! We have just annexed two countries into the United States. Boobaria and Savaland. They won't be states, however. Until I and my Vice President Ditto, start living there. I will not be answering questions at this time, thank you.

Murasame: See! They take country from us, we want get money so we could repair damage done to each other and rebuild our islands together! Masamune: But evil big kahooty of Ameerika stole our home and kick our people out! World Leader ???: Hmm... I see; their new leader has caught my suspicion, especially what they did to Russia when they called... Secretary ???: Ok, so I will stop Trade with America now, no more secret ingredients for their bacon cheeseburgers.

News reporter: And there you have it, as of now Alaska and Kansas has officially separated from the United States of America. What are your comments on them Professor M. R. Sameson? Murasame: Well, we people of Kansas are tired of being known as the boring state and references to 'I don't think were in Kansas anymore'. So we plan to use huge helicopters to pull Kansas off the continent. The same will be done with Alaska, and then we will set Alaska and Kansas next together as a separate independent country! Reporter: Thank you Mr. Sameson, stay tuned to hear some speeches from Ex-Vice President Algore and Governor Dubya later on.

Vorpal: *spins around in his swivel chair* Wheee! Ditto: Shouldn't we be doing something about Kansas and Alaska? Vorpal: Hmmm... your right, let's go discuss this with our counter. Ditto: Cabinet sir. Vorpal: Whatever. I don't know what to say! Ditto: Simple. You tell them what you expect of them, more or less, and how you plan to work together with them and Congress. - Saph freezes - Sapphire: Congress? I almost forgot about that.. Ditto: Forgot what? Sapphire: Our mortal enemy is in the senate; remember? It was a cold day on the streets of New York. An icy chill pierced the air. The supporters cheered while the opposition jeered. And some just sat around, confused. The rest walked with their heads down in fear, for certainly doom was near. For, as they say, "Hellary is Here" Vorpal: I completely forgot about the senate race! Oh well, she can't do anything to us anyway. Ditto: I guess you didn't melt her enough. Sapphire: *shrug* just thought I'd mention that. Vorpal: [Blink] Ditto: Now, let's go to that meeting. We're already late. The three of them slowly enter the room, and Vorpal looks to his cabinet and clears his throat. Vorpal: Well-

Elsewhere: Alone in an office, a figure sits, hands folded neatly on her lap as she leans back. Her face is hidden in the darkness, she directs her glance to the window, and smiles. The room emits an icy chill as she begins to speak. Figure: Someday soon I will have my revenge... hm hm hm ha ha ha...

PWD watches as Vorpal, Ditto McCloaker, and Sapphire go into the meeting room. PWD- Hmmmmmmm...Mr. Vorpal is busier than usual...Maybe he's taking more responsibility in his work... PWD hears Vorpal making a long, long, LONG speech. PWD- Hmmmm...he never told me to go into the meeting room...I'll just...Oh, geez, I forgot what Sec. of Energy does! Drat it all! PWD goes to his office, not noticing a shadowy figure standing by. The shadowy figure waits until PWD is in his office, then runs to the meeting room. ???: Heh heh heh...I'll know their plan, and tell the people the opposite! Heh heh heh...

Vorpal: . . . no no, the joke is like this . . . Ditto: Shouldn't you be at your Cabinet meeting? Vorpal: Oh, sorry, Mr. Jennings, we'll continue this discussion at a later time. Vorpal steps into his Cabinet meeting place. Vorpal: Sorry for the delay gentleman. Wrange Tirk: Huh? Vorpal: and ungentleman. . . Hey, where's PWD? DVGBC: I saw him a little while ago. Vorpal: Hmm . . . anyway. What should we do about Kansas and Alaska breaking off from the Union? Sec. Flutter? Flutter: I say we blow 'em off the planet! Yoshiman: Yeah, how many people live in those states combined? Three? Suddenly PWD opens the door with a silent yet scared look on his face. Vorpal: ...And so, I pledge that, uh, we will remain together in a spirit of... uh, togetherness. Ghost of Mel Carnahan: Ha! Spirit?! Heck, I'm the only spirit around here! Vorpal: :sweat: *whispers to Ditto* Uh, Ditto, who's next to speak after me? Ditto: *checks clipboard* Secretary of Energy Dee. Vorpal: Where the heck is he?! Ditto: I don't know. We're on our own. Vorpal: *addressing audience* Ummm... and now, filling in for Secretary of Energy Dee, Vice President Ditto, giving a report on Energy. Ditto? Ditto: Who? What? ME?! Vorpal: Let's give him a big hand.

Wolves are heard howling in the distance*

Ditto: *to Vorpal* I'm gonna get you for this... *to audience* Uh, Ahem. Yes. well. "Energy." America has... uh... *coughs* lots of it. Bales of it. In fact, we uh... have too much of it. That's it, we have an energy surplus. We must... calm down. A lot. And... of course, as we all know, as stated in the Law of Conservation of Energy... Energy is neither created nor, uh, destroyed. So... we're in... really good shape.

Parasol Waddle Dee walks in*

Ditto: HEY! There you are! Get over here, you little... *sees audience staring at him* ...bundle o' joy! Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the Man with the Plan, the guy with more Energy in his little finger than the Hoover Dam, Secretary of Energy Parasol Waddle Dee! --Meanwhile-- That Evil Tom Brokaw: This just in: Puerto Rico has just announced intentions to secede and join Alaska and Kansas. Rumors also are growing that Florida and Missouri are, quote, "Seriously thinkin' about it." We must add that this information is still unverified and our sources extremely unreliable, so quite naturally, this news station projects with absolute certainty a total collapse of the nation within the next few months. Thank you and good night. Masamune: *holds up a purple card* Woohoo! Puerto Rico! We got Puerto Rico!!! Murasame: C'mon, Masa. That's like getting Baltic Avenue in Monopoly. Masa: Hey, all we need are the Virgin Islands and we can build a hotel. PWD- Sorry that I'm late... Vorpal: You are.... two milliseconds late! PWD- Milliseconds? Ditto: (whispering) Next time, don't be late! PWD- (whispering) But, I was only two milliseconds late... Ditto: (whispering) Just don't let it happen, ever again! PWD- (whispering) Yessir, Vice President Ditto McCloaker. Ditto: (whispering) Good. Vorpal: And now, our energy reports. PWD- Lately, the energy on earth has been increasing a lot over the years. Ever since the "Great Depression", humans have been getting energy boosts for some unknown reason, probably trying to get a raise from their employers. After a lot of study, we found out that the sudden, "Energy Boosts" were caused by candy, mainly what you humans call, "Pixy Stix". The pixy stix contained a lot of sugar, and, if too many were eaten, a sugar rush occurred.

Gasps are heard*

PWD- And, from more study, we found the cure for sugar rushes. The healthy food products, brussel sprouts and spinach, have the nutrients to stop you humans from being sugar high. Always remember our famous president before Vorpal: John Fitzgerald Kennedy. He once said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country." Vorpal is a role model, just like that famous human.

Some people clap*

Vorpal: The next to speak after him... Ditto: *checks clipboard* Sec. of...Education, Dodo. Vorpal: *leans over* (How did we get him? Wasn't he Masa's lackey?) Ditto: (What? You’re the one who thought putting a 'Anyone who wants whatever' was a good Cabinet Policy') Dodo: Ahem, as you Education is, as of right now in shambles... Poor ethics, low intelligence. In result some radicalists have managed to persuade some of the lesser educated society into seceding their states... No offense to Kansas, Alaska, Puerto Rico, Florida or Missouri, By the way, for these uneducated people are nationwide. But these are the first to be reached by these people. Therefore I demand that we privatize our school systems in a method like colleges to improve education by having a 'rival-school policy' Act. Vorpal: Oooooh! An Act! Wow, that sounds fun! Ditto: Hmmm... perhaps, any other thoughts?

Masamune: Wheehee! It's done GO AHEAD BOYS!

people plant huge magnets on the corners of Kansas*

Masa: *on cell phone* We've drilled Kansas free of the USA, the helicopters are hooking it up right--- WHOA-- Now!

The millions of helicopters suspend Kansas over the air, and begin flying towards the Pacific Ocean. Surprisingly no one in the states underneath are harmed*

Meanwhile... Narrator: Alaska has already been separated from Canada and was rowed, by hand, into the place in the Pacific. Now the two states together with Puerto Rico off the coast of Alaskansas Rico, Otherwise known as 'The Other Country'

Reporter: In other news, Indiana announced that they too are 'Pondering up'n'goin' with 'em seceders'. Reporter 2: That's right and as most of you know the first Cabinet Meeting for the Vorpal Administration has started. In a surprising revelation we have discovered that the Cabinet was selected in a 'Free-for-all' in his favorite hangout. Stay Tuned after these messages as we bring you more on the new president and the amazing state secession that hasn't started since the Civil War.

Narrator: During the Cabinet Meeting, an aide runs in and hands Vorpal some urgent notices. Vorpal: Leseee... Oh crud. *leans over to the chairs on either side of him* Vorpal: Ditto, Saph, Flutter. We gotta talk to you in private. Ditto: But, I'm listening to the Secretaries, and this roast chicken is really good.

Vorpal yanks him out of his seat*

--Meanwhile--

Scene: A huge wooden fort. In the front is Masamune, wearing a grey Civil War Uniform and hat. He also has a huge beard*

Masamune: Well, how we doin' General Stonewall Jack-same? Murasame: *steps out of a tent. He's also sporting a grey uniform and a big black beard. He also has a huge cigar clenched in his teeth* Great. *cough* The states are *cough* quickly turning in *cough* our favor *cough, hack* Masamune: Oh, for crying out loud, get rid of the cigar. Murasame: Oh *cough* Okay *wheeze* Anyway, we should be ready to march before too long, General Shermune. Masamune: Perfect. *blows revily on a bugle* Soon, the south will no longer be portrayed as being full of toothless, pick-up truck riding, shotgun toting hicks with lazy huntin' dawgs and body-temperature SAT scores! NO, we're gonna bring back the old south! With daft colonels, and ditzy southern belles, and... slavery! Murasame: Oh boy! Slavery! --Several miles away, it is now late at night at the Lincoln Memorial-- Saph: Why'd you pick here? Vorpal: It's appropriate for the crisis at hand. Ditto: What's wrong? Vorpal: States are leaving like rats off a sinking ship! The media are already calling it "The Second Civil War," or, "CWII." Ditto: OK, let's handle this calmly. Who are on the other side? Vorpal: Everyone to the East... Ditto: No, you don't mean... Vorpal: Uh-huh. Maryland and Rhode Island. The shrimp states. Saph: Oh my God! We're... *thinks for a moment* ...nowhere near doomed.

another aide runs up and hands him a notice*

Ditto: Now who's on the opposing side? Vorpal: ...The South.

another aide*

Vorpal: ...And North...

another aide*

Vorpal: ...and West... Ditto: So, basically, it's... us? Vorpal: Uh-huh. Now what?

Everyone becomes depressed. No one speaks for a long time. Eventually, they all return in silence to the White House. Vorpal and Saph head off to the Cabinet Meeting, but Ditto goes to his room, which, coincidentally, was the Lincoln bedroom. He sits on the bed, and stares for a long time at his personal painting of Abraham Lincoln on the wall*

Ditto: Oh, Great One, you faced this problem long ago well. What shall we do? Voice: Hmmm...

Suddenly, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears*

Ditto: Abraham Lincoln! You're my hero! You mean your ghost haunts the White House? Abe: Yup. I learned first hand that bein' in Office is one o' the toughest things a man ever faces, and I've stuck around to help out my predecessors. I appear to just about everyone. No one says anything, to keep me secret. Ditto: Wow. Even Bill Clinton? Abe: Heck no. I hated that guy. He was on his own. That's why he screwed up so bad. Ditto: So, what should we do? Abe: Well...

After the LONG speech...*

Vorpal: THAT...was LONG... Ditto: Yeah, but, aren't speeches usually that long? Vorpal:...No. Ditto: Hmmmmmmm... Sapphire: How long are you gonna be president, Vorpal? Vorpal: Um...

Parasol Waddle Dee, Yoshiman and Mr. Predict, and the others are busy working. Sgt. Flutter: Let's see...uh, oh! Yoshiman&Mr.P: "Uh, oh"? Sgt. Flutter: Japan is angry with California and they're gonna have a war! DVGBC: Oooooh, that's bad. Dodo: Valentina is president of Japan! Linkman: That's tough... Yankovic: Should this be in the news? Nazz: Of course! Kirbyboy: What a horrible future... MagiKoopa: Wouldn't it be better if I just cast a spell on them? Fuzzball: No! Wrange Tirk: What are we going to do? Everyone begins chatting about the situation, except PWD, who decides to tell President Vorpal. That shadowy figure appears and smiles, showing white teeth. ???: Soon, they will all die...heh heh heh...

Reporter: And now, it seems the leader... or leaders of 'The Other Country' have finally emerged and are holding a press conference, were taking you there live... Masamune: *look cautiously around* All right ya'll, they'll be here in a second... Murasame: *cough* So Stay *hack* Put *hack* You scum! *wheeze* Masamune: (I told you to get rid of that cigar...) And now they’re here!

Masamune and Murasame walk to the side as... Dark Prince and Chillsea walk on stage*

Dark Prince: Good afternoon Ladies and Gentleman, yes it is true, it is I who has been behind this all... The current results it seems New York, Indiana, Florida, Missouri, Canada, Virgin Islands, Texas and England are seceding to become part of 'The Other Country' Reporter 4: But Canada and England aren’t States, their separate countries. Chillsea: *steps over* Yes, but when they heard our plans they joined our cause. Reporter 3: And what is this -cause-? Dark Prince: We plan to create the ultimate country where we shall dictate the affairs of the world. Murasame: *hack* We *cough* Plan *wheeze* To rei-- *cough* --nstate *wheeze* Slavery *goes into coughing fit* Masamune: Yes, but not by color, but this time we shall enslave all Politicians. Reporters: *gasp* Masamune: And were considering... the media too. Reporters: *pass out*

Dodo: Valentina took over Japan... oh my... Masamune, what are you planning?

We join Vorpal in his cabinet . . . Ditto: What are you doing in the cabinet? You have a Cabinet meeting! Vorpal: Oh, sorry. Okay, so we still have military reserves? Flutter: Yes, many of our strong holds have not seceded and most likely will not. Vorpal: Good, we have an advantage with firepower. Yoshiman: Also, many of the states that have left were land-locked states and have no Navy power whatsoever, considering they are now and island. Vorpal: Okay, here's the plan. Since many of our states are now near the ocean we set up Navy bases in Chicago and northern Montana. From there we send our fleet from those two places and from several launching points in California, Hawaii, Guam, and Japan. From there we will surround the "Other Country" and keep them from adding more countries or states to their stronghold. We set air based attacks on St. Louis, Topeka, London, Quebec, New York, Indianapolis and Houston if they don't surrender in 72 hours after the blockade has surrounded them. Remaining troops will be transported to Washington, D.C. Groups still loyal to the US will set up secret attacks against the police force in the "Other Country". Ditto: Wow! You actually sound like you know what you're talking about! Vorpal: Yeah, well, so did Reagan.

Masamune: What do you mean your not going to let us destroy the remainder of America!? Murasame: *throws Cigar down* This whole plan... you used us and our ideas... any chance you had of winning is gone now! And... now I have bad lungs because of you! Masamune: You have lungs? Murasame: Had to get some installed for coughing effect *teleports away* Masamune: *does so, as well* Chillsea: Good, now with those two out of the way the world is ours!

Mura: *snicker* It's so perfect, we duped Chillsea and Dark Prince as well as the Vorpal Administration! Masa: It's so perfect, now we just have to wait for Vorpal to successfully takeover "The other Country". It works perfect since he'll also Add England and Canada to the United States as well. Ireland, Scotland, England... three states... Canada will make up a bunch of states... And with Savaland and Boobaria, United States will have increased greatly from 50. Probably to around... 60-65 states. More or less! Mura: Yes... and with our newly created United States Flag with all the stars on it... Masa and Mura: GWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Shadowy figure: Hm hm hm... it is so intriguing to watch these fools think that they can run a country. When I'm through, there just may not be a United States to rule anymore. We'll just have to see... She laughs, and as the camera pans in Hillary is revealed for a moment, ice blue eyes still cold and distant, her blonde hair neatly trimmed, she rubs her palms together and it begins to snow. Smiling she leans back, the shadow draws in again, and it fades to black.

Sapphire (to Ditto): At least he has his military strengths... Ditto: *shrug* I think that's a requirement. Sapphire: Even though we are technically nowhere near doomed, shouldn't we appear more worried? Ditto: Do you remember how many presidents age while in office? Vorpal will look 16 before his time! Sapphire: *rolls eyes* Vorpal: What are you two whispering about? Ditto: Oh nothing. Get back to your speech. Vorpal: since you're doing nothing, please take my order in to McDonalds for me. Sapphire: Whatever. *rolls eyes* This happens to be the very same McDonalds that Clintin' is working in. Clintin': *smiles brightly* Hello ya'll! How may I serve you? Sapphire: *whispers to Ditto* That's really pathetic. Ditto: He feels more comfortable here. *Shrugs*

Yet another shadowy figure is in a laboratory, sitting as if a trance almost, wrapped in a mist of her own judgements and miscalculations. 'I don't believe it.' The Master plan had failed. All of them did. What a waste all those years were! Yet, there was always hope... She stroked the top of Al Gore's head, now decapitated for the purpose of rebuilding anew. Woman: Don't worry honey. I'll put you back together. *Her blue eyes flash* And then they will face the wrath of Tipper!

Masamune: *over telephone* Okay, we'll agree to a surrender, only if you come over to our capital to negotiate. Vorpal: Uh, okay. Vorpal flies over to the "Other Country" in Air Force One. Dark Prince: Okay, FIRE!!! Air Force One goes down into a burning ball of fire.

Elsewhere~ Minion: Reverend, when will you go to Washington, to talk to President Vorpal? JJ: When the time comes. When the time comes.

Press Sec. Weird Al: No, no! There is no reason to believe the President is dead. No really sit down Dan Rather!

In the ocean . . . one lone survivor. Fred: Hey, Bob! Look at what I found! Bob: Whoa! That's a Whopper!

they haul the waterlogged President onto the deck*

Fred: Poor feller's half drowned. Someone should give him mouth to mouth. Bob: :sweatdrop: Uh, I'll leave that to you, Fred.

with a cough, Vorpal sits up*

Vorpal: Wha--? Fred: Well, hey there, feller! We was wonderin' if you was gonna wake up! Bob: Fred was gonna give ya mo-

Fred elbows Bob in the ribs*

Fred: Uh, what he means to say that... you look familiar. Vorpal: I'm... President Vorpal. *sulks* Well, was, anyway. Bob: Well, you were in office fer 12 hours and you've already lost the entire country to England. Vorpal: Oh, gripe, gripe, gripe. That's all I hear. *pouts* Well, maybe you're right. Bob: Hey, don't pout there, li'l feller. We gots faith in ya! We wouldn't-a voted fer ya if'n we didn't! Vorpal: What-? You mean... Fred: Yup! We're card carryin' members of the Mega Mega Extreme Doki Doki Panik Party! Bob: We had faith in 'ya. Thought Vorpal could handle ennythin'. Y'see... we got tired of all these big, suited fellers confusin' free speech with jest plain cheap talk, and we liked yer message o' just leavin' the country to the Americans. Vorpal: I never said tha- Fred: -And we liked that message. Now, ya jest gotta follow yer instincts. You know why their called "instincts?" Cause ya gotta look in *smells inside of his own jacket* Hm. Stinks. Vorpal: You're... right! All this time, I've been spinning in my chair, and when something went wrong, I hopped right into Air Force One and got hammered. I gotta quit thinking like a President, and think like... Vorpal!

takes out a cell phone*

Ditto: Vice President Ditto McCloaker soon to be President Ditto McCloaker. Talk to me. Vorpal: Nope. You're still V.P. D. McC. Ditto *across the country* Vorpal?! You're alive?! Vorpal: Darn right. Ditto: ...Should I send Air Force Two? Vorpal: Do I sound like a wuss? Send over... Sky Palace III. Ditto: Hot dang! Now we're gonna see some action! --Meanwhile-- Buckingham Palace, London, England

Prince Will and Chillsea sit in the Drawing Room discussing their plans*

Dark Prince: Hahaha... Soon, I shall accomplish what King George III couldn't. I shall regain the original Thirteen Colonies... with interest! Chillsea: Hm hm hm ha ha ha...! My, but mother's going to be maaad! *giggles*

A beefeater runs in*

Beef: Your Highness! Your Highness! President Vorpal is on his way! Dark Prince: What? Hmmm. Well, the best thing we can do is to paralyze the American citizenry. Unleash our most subversive, deadly, cunning spy. Agent Double Eleven. In the past, he has been very effective in undermining American society and robbing them of their intelligence. Chillsea: You don't mean...? Dark Prince: Yes... Dispatch... Mr. Bean.

In the foggy streets of London, a spotlight suddenly opens up. A man in a tweed suit abruptly falls out of the sky onto the ground. He stands up. He's wearing black sunglasses, and holds a teddy bear. In the background, female singers sing "Man With the Golden Bear"*

Mr. Bean: Uhhh... Bean. *peeks over his sunglasses* Mr. Bean. --Meanwhile--

The Sky Palace III looms overhead. A rope ladder comes down onto the deck of the fishing ship. Vorpal climbs up, and turns around and gives the Presidential "wave" before entering the aircraft. Then, the door shuts*

Vorpal: I was about to give up back there... but then those two kindly old fishermen reminded me what America's all about. If I win this thing, think of the posterity! Ditto: Yeah! Think about it, what President can claim to have won the Revolutionary War and the Civil War? Voice: Right! Vorpal: Who-?

Hellary steps forward*

Vorpal: Hellary Clintin'! What are you doing on board? Hellary: To help stop England from taking over America, you fool. New York was one of the original colonies. I'm not letting them get it... and also... I'm worried about my dear daughter. She's run off with that spoony prince. Despite our differences, Bill and I are very worried about her. How could she just run off and fall in love with some pretty face that wants to dominate the world? Where does she get it? Clintin': I have no idea, dear. --Meanwhile-- Chillsea: Will! Dark Prince: Y-yes dear?

Vorpal's cell phone rings Vorpal: Can't this wait? Ditto: Uhh. . . I forgot to mention that . . . There was barely any country left, so Secretary of the Interior Yoshiman decided to . . . ah . . . Vorpal: WHAT? TELL ME! Ditto: . . .annex France, Spain, and Portugal. Vorpal: WHAT? Meanwhile in France. . . Frenchman 1 to Frenchman 2: Hey! ve can't be znooty to Americans anymore! Ve are Americans!

Meanwhile, on the floating continent of New Atlantis... Masamune: Heehee! More countries! We'll become the number one flag Production Company and become rich honestly! Murasame: Yep, then next time someone brings it up that we don’t earn money fairly, we can rub it in their face that we did do ONE Honest job!

Reporter: So is it true Prince William that you found the ultimate American Secret Base in Kansas? Dark Prince: We knew it was there all along. Because when you watch Wizard of Oz you can see the Tornado messing up the land and some strange guy saying "Stoppit! Zis is our secret Military Base fools!". Reporter: Ummm... sure... Chef Torte: Ack! Zey have found our zecret Base! Torte Assistant: Does this mean were on the 'Other Countries' side? Chef Torte: Of course iz does, now we muzt bake a cake for our new leader, fool! Dark Prince: *sweatdrop* Don’t make a cake... just get the military surveillance on...

Vorpal: The Sky Palace III IS BACK IN ACTION! Ditto: *frowns* Yeah... anyhow, were about to get... WE'VE BEEN HIT! Sapphire: WHAT!? Ditto: Somehow they got a Missile Base... Vorpal: Arm the Lasers! Sapphire: Aye Sir! Ditto: Their powering up torpedoes! Vorpal: Revert Power to shields! Sapphire: Shields have been hit, Shields reduced to 45% …how do I know this? Ditto: One more of those and our shields are toast! Vorpal: Revert Power from Emergency Power to the Forward Shields! Dodo: I can't sir, she's giving it all she got! Anymore and she'll be ripped to shreds! Yoshiman: What do we do? Vorpal: *suddenly gets strangely serious* Initiate Separation Process, everyone get to the separation part. We'll crash this thing into their Military Base. Ditto: You'll die if you stay in here! Vorpal: *looks back* Then I'll see you in the sequel. Now get out! Ditto: Aye sir... *all of them run out* Vorpal: . . . . . whew...

The front end of the Sky Palace III crashes into the military base destroying both it and the military base. Ditto: I.... Can’t believe it.... Vorpal is dead... Sapphire: . . . . Ditto: Do you know what this means? Sapphire: He's a hero... Ditto: Well.. that and I am President now! PWD: *bounces in* Whew, am I too late? Hey what's wrong? Ditto: Vorpal died in the crash. PWD: Really? I coulda swore he was boasting on TV. Ditto: WHAT!?

Reporter: And then....? Vorpal: I jumped in an escape pod and let the ship crash into the base! Whew, I'm gonna miss the Sky palace III *sniff* *sniff* Ditto: He's alive? PWD- Yessir! Sapphire: Impossible! How did he survive? PWD- He jumped in an escape pod and let the ship crash into the base...he said that he misses the Sky Palace III, too. Ditto: How do we know if you forgot to eat your Brussels sprouts this morning and are lying? PWD- No, sir, I wouldn't lie to you! Sapphire: Do you have proof? PWD- I brought my portable television with me! Here, watch the channel 6 news! PWD hands Ditto his portable TV Ditto turns it on and changes the channel to channel 6. Sure enough, President Vorpal is talking about his cheating death. Sapphire: Cool! Ditto: This is a change of plans... PWD- By the way, I always eat my Brussels sprouts. Ditto: How can you eat that stuff? Sapphire: Nevermind the sprouts, we've gotta meet up with President Vorpal. Ditto: Sec. of Energy Dee, for this information, you get more Brussels sprouts. PWD- Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!

____________________________________________ Vorpal: Hmmmmmmm...Why does the Sec. of Energy like Brussels sprouts? Suddenly, his cell phone rings. Vorpal: Hello? ???: This is President Vorpal I'm speaking to, right? Vorpal: None other. ???: Well, this is President Ness of Germany. The problem, this time, is with those weird Irish people. The Irish are planning some attack that involves blowing up planet Earth!!! What should we do? Vorpal: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Ditto: Should we go back to the White House, or what? Sapphire: Don't ask me. Ditto: I wasn't. I was asking PWD. PWD- Um...I thought you would know where to go, Vice President Ditto McCloaker. Ditto: I haven't a clue. Sapphire: Where should we go, then? Ditto: Um,... --BUCKINGHAM PALACE--

Dark Prince William and Chillsea Clintin' watch Vorpal on the BBC*

Dark Prince: *spits out his tea and crumpets* What?! HE'S ALIVE, AND HE BLEW APART THE KANSAS MISSLE BASE?! Vorpal: *on TV* And, frankly, I hope Prince William chokes on a scone. Dark Prince: *chokes on a scone* How dare those low-brow American cretins?! Chillsea: Hey, I'm an American!

she sends a blast of ice that sends him into a nearby wall and storms out of the room*

Dark Prince: Sorry! Sorry, dear! Women. Voice: You've got to get tougher.

A ghostly choir is heard in the distance singing "God save the King." The scary white grin materializes before William. Suddenly, he takes full form. It is in fact, the ghost of a short, pudgy man wearing royal 18th Century robes, high heels, and a long, curly wig*

Ghost: Bow before my manliness. Dark Prince: King George III?! Triple G.: Just call me... Triple George. I've come back to help you make sure the Revolutionary War comes out the right way this time, and England achieves it's Manifest Destiny. Dark Prince: But you lost the last one. Triple G.: Oh, gripe, gripe, gripe. Washington didn't fight cricket. He simply refused to line up his troops in nice, neat rows on the battlefield, in the proper, traditional fashion. I mean, really. Such a thing was just unheard of. Now, had he been reared in on of our proper, traditional, pompous schools like he should have, he would never have considered such an outrageous thing. Dark Prince: But... Washington won. Triple G.: Quite so! And it should have been England! It makes perfect sense. Dark Prince: Okay, what do I do first? Triple G.: First, get rid of that ratted Parliament and install some proper lackeys and nod-heads, like in my time. You simply cannot get anything done as long as you have *shudder* commoners having a say in Royal affairs. --In Washington, D.C.--

a TV is in the corner*

TDPJ: Today, the runner-up candidates are going to deliver their Concession Speeches to President Vorpal. Note, these speeches are expected to be pivotal in setting the atmosphere of cooperation the President can expect from them.

cuts to a scene of Algore's head and Tipper at a podium*

Tipper: *deadpan* Vorpal, we are going to kill you. Personally. We will hunt you to the ends of the Earth- TDPJ: :sweat: Uhh, OK... We now go to the Governor's Mansion in Texas where George W. Bush will make his speech. Dubya: *shatters a bottle against a bar* C'mon! I kill ya! I'll kill all o' ya! C'mown! Old Man: *in his creepy voice* No one crosses the Bush family. I still have ties to the CIA, Vorpal. Read my lips. You're days are numbered. Bar: Dear! Remember your blood pressure! Be gracious this time! Old Man: Aw, Bar. TDPJ: :sweat: Hoo boy. Uh, there you have it. What the former candidates meant to say, according to their attorneys, was that Vorpal could expect only limited cooperation in the future. We have also received word that some Japanese businessmen have offered Algore a deal on manufacturing action figures, to which Tipper declined, and Al agreed to. Uh, back to you, Jim.

TV goes off*

Ditto: Okay, President. We've ordered the new military uniforms like you wanted. Are you sure this is the best idea? *holds up blue coats from the Revolutionary War* Vorpal: Yep. Saph: Where did you get this idea? Vorpal: From my newest advisor.

Suddenly, a ghost appears, who looks just like a $1 bill*

Ditto: George Washington?! Ghost: Yes. And if I hear just one joke about "George Dubya," I'll throw your dishes at you. Hundreds of Political Humorists: AWwwwww. --Later, in the House of Parliament-- Parliament guy: Hey! The Queen Mother is going to speak! Queen Mommy: I urge England to try to come to peaceful terms with the Americ-

William walks up and kicks her walker out from underneath her. She falls down*

Dark Prince: Beat it, Granny. Gentlemen, I propose that we fight those absurd Americans until the world once again recognizes the might of England! The U.S. shall be abolished, and it shall be renamed, "Even Newer England!" Masamune: Hey! What about the "Other Country?" Murasame: I think we'd better get outta here. The crowd's gettin' ugly. Masamune: Well, just their teeth. Murasame: Shhh! Let's get outta here! Tony Blair: *to William* You can't order that! The English monarchy is just a figurehead! You have no real power! Dark Prince: *holds up the Magna Carta* Oh yeah? *rips it in half* What say you to that, Blair Wizard? "Blare": Well, he ripped it up. There's nothing we can do. *jumps out the window into the Thames*

Vorpal: Hmm . . . well . . . let's give back France, Portugal and Spain. Yoshiman: Aww . . . Vorpal: What should we do George? Lincoln: Hey! What about me? George: Ha, ha! Penny-man! Lincoln: Well, you're on the one dollar bill! George: Aww. . . Abe: *Sticks his tongue out* I'm five times better than you. That's all there is to it. George: Hey, don't make me come up there, stretch. You're not thinking clearly with that hole in your head. Abe: Humph. Curious George. George: Redneck. Abe: *stands over him* Don't make me come down there. Ditto: Hey, Historians cite Washington, Lincoln, and FDR as the three best Presidents ever. George: Well, I was the Father of our Country, so there. :razz: Lincoln: I was the Great Emancipator. My policies had the greatest effect on this country. :razz:

The Ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears*

T.J.: Hey, I did my part!

The ghost of John Quincy Adams appears*

John Jr.: Don't you ever shut up? T.J.: C'mere, you.

The Ghost of Martin Van Buren appears on the sidelines*

Marty: Yeah! Get 'im! Get 'im!

The Ghost of Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears*

FDR: Hey, does WWII ring a bell? I was one of the greats too, with my "Square Deal."

The Ghost of Theodore Roosevelt appears*

Teddy: Hey, Nephew-In-Law, you stole that "Deal" idea from me! Not to mention my name! Square Deal! Square Deal! FDR: Square this, squeaky. *runs over his foot with his wheelchair* Teddy: OW! Why you... I speak softly, but I carry a "Big Stick!" *pulls out his Big Stick* FDR: You have nothin' to fear but FDR himself! En guarde! *pulls out his cane*

they swordfight*

Teddy: Give it up, Ironside! I fenced in Harvard! FDR: ...So did I! Ironside, eh?! I beat Hitler; I can beat you.

they fight*

Teddy: Yeah, I got yer WWII right here; buddy. *backs into Abe* Lincoln: Watch it, shrimp.

Ronald Reagan's ghost appears*

Ronnie: Hey, I did some good work, too! George: Hey, you're not dead. Ronnie: Eh. *shrugs*

Ditto: Well, what do we do about the "Other Country? Vorpal: Nothing. Ditto: NOTHING?!?!?!? Vorpal: Yep. Ditto: *to Saph* Okay, I think he lost it now. Vorpal: It's simple really. All those children want to do is get some attention. They're just spoiled brats. Once we start ignoring them they'll give up. Ditto: :sweat: I hope your right. Suddenly Jessie Jackson bursts through the doors. Vorpal: Hey, this is the oval office! You're not allowed in here! JJ: I thought you knew. I'm the President. Vorpal: What?!?! JJ: I've been President since 1960! Vorpal: How is that possible? JJ: There's a secret Amendment to the Constitution. It says, "Jessie Jackson is the Supreme Ruler of the United States." Saph: No wonder! You're not a Reverend! You just say that to avoid paying taxes! JJ: That's right! Now that you know my secret I must kill you and replace you with clones to do my bidding. Vorpal: I won't let you. I'm President. Saph: Vorp? Vorpal: Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Vorpal changes much in the same fashion as a super saiyan. He grows larger, His battle suit appears and his beard grows. Vorpal: Bring it on JJ! JJ: Fine! JJ takes off his jacket and suddenly grows having muscles in places people only dream of. Vorpal: Uh, okay, maybe not. Um, you guys can handle him and I'll, uh, watch. Ditto: Oh, no you don't you can fight him all mighty President. Vorpal: Can't you change into some ferocious beast? Ditto: Uhhh, Gussiepie is at home. Vorpal: D'oh! Guess this one is all up to me. Vorpal pulls out a mirror and points it at JJ. JJ: Arghhhhh! It's the beast of the Apocalypse! JJ runs away. Vorpal: Well that worked out pretty well. Vorpal changes back into his Presidential garb. Vorpal: [Yelling after him] Yeah, and stay lost! Ditto ...Shall we get back on track?

Sapphire: I suggest we should leave the ghosts to fight now shouldn't we? Until we need their tactics since they don't seem to be offering us any... Vorpal: Eh, what? Saph, Ditto, Hellary: *roll eyes* Hellary: Hmph! If we're going to handle this, it should be handled...well, more accurately. Ditto: What are you insinuating?! Are you trying to call us incompetent? Hellary: You said it I didn't. Besides, there must be some intellect. Since you got the presidency anyway...pity. Vorpal: *snort* Hey, can we turn up the heat in here? It's frosty! Ditto: *shrug* But it's full blast, Vorp. Sapphire: Honestly! It's like a freezer. Hellary: Quiet, little girl. Thankfully your plans to thwart my being appointed as senator failed, and most unfortunate that we are fighting for the same cause now. I have three words: Live with it! Sapphire: Grrr... Ditto: *taps her arm* Now Saph.. Clintin': I guess peace talks are out of the question? Hellary: Sorry darling, this is an all out war. And most unfortunate is the many losses that we have lost. Tipper is a genius; unfortunately, she hates you. *shrug* And Chillsea.. well... Vorpal: Which do we deal with first? The Civil war or the Revolutionary war? Ditto: How about... we divide. All: *Popping Eyes*

[In Buckingham palace] Dark Prince: Well my dear Chillsea, as of right now, anyone who speaks out against us will be put in the dungeons. So far all of "Parliament" and the Queen Mother are there. Chillsea: I love your evilness. When does the rest of the fun begin? Dark Prince: I have called my brother, Harry, and informed my Father as well.. Though I doubt he would have anything to do with it... and he is very interested in helping us indeed... I am assembling troops as we speak. Chillsea: Good, good. Marvelously so. Care for some tea? Dark Prince: ..Delighted, M'dear.

Reporter: In the news today... Massive Flooding is plaguing many areas of the world due to the lifting and moving land areas to different sections of the world. Also massive cloudy thingies with little electrical yellow things are quite common right now. Reporter2: Not only that, it appears in the Mid-eastern Hemisphere (wherever that is) that a new brand of action figure has been developed. These Action Figures grow 'Chest hairs'. Reporter3: And over in that one place... somethingland, there currently having a overbountiful supply of Charmin Toilet Paper Rolls this year, which are selling like crazy! Reporter: And if you look over here in that place, you can see mass riots surrounding that one place they sell stocks and'n'stuff. They say the Stock Market Crashed! Reporter2: And umm... Reporter 3 is gay! Reporter3: *blushes* And umm... over HERE, it seems that something is going on, we don’t have the exact details yet, though.

Vorpal: Uuughhh.. we need to hire someone to take care of the Press, the Media sucks!

PWD is back in his office, with letters from children who go to school at...let's just say...(picks random school on earth)...RFMS School...(I don't think it's a real school, anyway. Somebody goes to a school similar to that, though). PWD- Oh,...my...gosh! [Hyper; words not understandable] Look at all these letters!! What should I do? Should I tell President Vorpal that the children are being abused during gym time at the school?! No, no, he's too busy! What am I gonna do? Oh, geez, I gotta eat my Brussels sprouts... PWD opens his desk, pulls out Brussels sprouts, and eats them. PWD- I'm not so hyperactive, now...maybe I should tell President Vorpal. Or Vice President Ditto McCloaker...or Lady in Red, Sapphire... _____________________________________________ Vorpal: [beeper beeps] What is it now? [Reads beeper] Oh, geez, ANOTHER MEETING?! Ditto:....How long is it going to be? Vorpal: FIVE STRAIGHT HOURS! Sapphire: Wouldn't that bore you to death? Vorpal: Probably not. Ditto: How often do we go to meetings? Vorpal: But first! I must make a statement to the press! Ditto: About your meeting? Vorpal: No, about Brussels sprouts Vorpal walks up to the press. Vorpal: I don't like Brussels sprouts. Ever since I was a kid and my mother made me eat them. Now I'm the President of the United States and I'm not going to eat anymore Brussels sprouts! Press: GASP! That Despicable Tom Brokaw: Good afternoon, America. We're here live at Vorpal's live Weekly Address, where he has just admitted to having tried Brussels sprouts when he was young. Saph: Uh, he chewed, but he never swallowed. That Despicable Tom Brokaw: Is that true, Mr. President?

Everyone in America leans in to hear*

TDTB: Did you swallow? Ditto: *jumping in* Oh, come on! Let's not cast stones; people! I'd say most of us tried some kind of vegetable when we were young. Heck, where I grew up, it wasn't uncommon for parents to force it on their children. In fact, Secretary of Energy P.W. Deeson eats brussel sprouts on a regular basis! Audience: *gasp!* PWD: Oh no! I'm ruined! *munches Brussels sprouts* Ditto: ...In fact... Heck, I even occasionally enjoy a big ol' plate of Brussels sprouts mixed with collard greens!

Tabloid spins toward screen. Headline reads:

"Not Easy Being Green: V.P. Says "I Mix My Veggies!"* Former College Buddy of Ditto's: Yeah, I remember back in the old days, we used to go down to the grocery store and come back with several bags of mixed veggies. We had a stove we cooked em' over and we'd just spend the afternoon looking at clouds and munching on broccoli stalks. It was... awesome, man! Sometimes, we'd invite people over, and hold really wild parties, where we'd pass around carrots and celery. It was... transcendental... I remember, once, I woke up on the other side of town with a half-eaten carrot stick in my hand... and I had no idea how it got there! TDTB: In response to the national furor that has risen up since several members of his administration have admitted to using vegetables, President Vorpal took action today by establishing a new "Veggie Czar." Wart: *standing in front of a bunch of microphones* With our united effort, I pledge that we will keep vegetables out of the hands of our children. We are currently taking steps to determine the source of the influx of vegetables, and we believe that most of them are domestic. While we do believe certain types of celery and zucchini are imported from South America, a good 90% of our vegetables are made domestically. We're currently leading strikes against various vegetable-growing operations in the Midwest. Farmer: Man, y'know, it's jes' another thang. My family, we, y'know, been growin' this stuff for generations. We never thought we'd be caught. I mean, it wasn't the sort o' thing ya told the neighbors, but we figured a farm was the perfect cover to grow vegetables. --Back In the White House-- Sapphire: Hey, I like vegetables! Vorpal: *turning off the TV* Man, this is awful. Ditto: Maybe we could draw attention away from the scandal by focusing on the war efforts. Vorpal: I thought we'd just ignore Chillsea and Evil Willie. Saph: It's no good. They're landing boats on our shores. They've named a general. Good news and bad news. Vorpal: Oh man. What's the bad news? Ditto: Our sources claim they've cloned General Gage, who commanded the British in the first Revolutionary War. Vorpal: Hm. And the good news? Ditto: This.

holds up a picture of a three-month-old infant wearing a red coat and carrying a sabre at his side*

Ditto: Apparently, his inexperience is showing. Vorpal: What steps have we taken? Ditto: Well, first some guys dressed up as Indians and threw some tea in a harbor. Then they dressed up as tea and threw Indians in the harbor. Then they got drunk and threw up in the harbor. Vorpal: Perfect, my plan is going perfectly. Ditto: And now...? Vorpal: Uh... begin the thawing of Paul Revere. Yoshiman: Wait! My new machine is finished! Vorpal: Oh, no! Not Yoshiman and his machines! YM: It's the Put-everything-back-to-the-way-it-was-before-Vorpal-began-losing-states-to-the-Other-Country Machine! Vorpal: But your machines always end up messing up the story rather than fix it. YM: So. Yoshiman pushes the big red button. Everyone pauses. Ditto: I didn't feel anything happen. YM: Turn on the TV and see! TDPJ: And we now have reports that Ohio and Washington are leaving the Union, as well . . . YM: What!?!!? It . . . it should work! Saph: Great we just lost Microsoft and Nintendo thanks to you! Vorpal: Nin . . . nintendo . . . Ditto: Oh great, I think Vorpal lost it. Vorpal: Ten . . . nin? Tendo, nintendo? Everyone: :sweat:

Murasame: What are we going to do? TOC (The Other Country) double-crossed us, and the USA has banned veggies! How can I survive? Masamune: Listen, I know veggies are good for popularity with your reptroops, but... we have to think of SOMETHING! Murasame: So, World War III? Masamune: Yep, WWIII: the M's strike back! Murasame: So, we'll get Russia, China, and Poland to join up, then we'll get India, Bulgaria and Greece on another along with TOC and USA. Masamune: Good, good, I'll round up the first three; you do the other! CIAO! Vorpal: Just our luck, we end up with Greece. Saph: You mean that movie with John Travolta? Vorpal: Well, so now we got WWIII on our hands... What do we do, Ditto? ...Ditto? *looks around* Ditto? ~Meanwhile, in the Oval Office, Ditto is casually walking towards Vorpal's desk, singing to himself~ Ditto: So long Mom, I'm off to drop the bomb, So don't wait up for meeeee. But while you swelter, down there in your shelter, You can watch me on your TVeee...

As you might expect by now, Norman Schwartzcough joins in*

Schwartzcough: While we're attacking frontally, Watch Brinkally and Huntally, Describing contrapuntally The cities we have lost. There's no need for you to miss A minute of this agonizing holocaust! Ditto: So long mom, I'm off to drop the bomb, So don't wait up for meeee, For though I may roam I'll return to my home, Though it may be just a pile of debris...

The Secretaries all link arms and do a kick line as Ditto and Schwartzcough are hit with spotlights*

Both: So long Mommy, I'm off to get a Commie, So send me a Salami And a delicious leg of calf. We're off to be In World War Three, We'll be back in an hour and a hAAAaaaaAAAAlllf!

they all bow as everyone throws roses at them*

Ditto: Okay, seriously, what's the next order of business? Aid: Well, Masa and Mura just got another country. Ditto: Oh, crud. Well, which one this time? Aid: Germany. Ditto: Oh, man, not Germany. Travelogue Guy: Hey, now, Germany is a really nice nation that just has an unfortunate tendency to fall in with the wrong crowd every decade or so and try to take over the world. That's all iN the past now, however, As today they are a warm, prosperous, united citiZenry that wouldn't THINK of dressing up In stiff uniforms and walking in ridiculouS formation and wearing tiny little moustaches.* They, in fact, have great senses of humor.

check local listings

First German Guy: Hey, how many Polish people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Second German Guy: I don't know. How many Polish people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? First German Guy: I don't know! Let's march into Poland and find out! Second German Guy: Okay! First German Guy: Ha ha! Just kidding! Probably! ...And so, Masa and Mura took control of Germany.

Germany Facts at A Glance: Language: Foreign.

Boots: Tight.

National Dance: The goose-step

Currency: 12 Runes = 1 Kvetch

Funny Hats and Moustaches: Yes.

Vorpal: Let me get this straight...The Second Civil War, revival of the Revolutionary War AND World War III is going on? Ditto: Well... not just those... Vorpal: What? Ditto: Vietnam, Korean, South Pacific, Pole and a few other wars has started up again. Vorpal: Pole? Ditto: Santa Clause Landlord in Antarctica is suing for illegal practice of toy-making. Vorpal: Why!? Why did this have to happen while I was president!!! Sapphire: No one said it'd be easy. Vorpal: It's not fair, I want to use my 'powers'. Ditto: Powers? Vorpal: *cocks a brow* Yes... 'powers' 'powers' beyond your imagination... very... 'powerful' Ditto and Sapphire: *blink* *blink*

~Finally, after all the seceding, the entire United States is now back together, 60 miles to the West of where it was, except for one small missing chunk. Meanwhile, Washington D.C. is in it's original position, floating all by itself in the middle of the ocean.~ Vorpal: Okay, this has to stop. Ditto: But it's fun! Vorpal: *gives him an angry glare* Vorpal is huddled in a corner of the Oval Office. Vorpal: Vorpal's been a bad boy . . . be good boy . . . do nothing . . . be good boy Ditto: The problem with you, Vorp, is you give up too easily. Vorpal: Me be good boy . . . not do bad stuff! Saph: You are a good boy . . . just think through this how can you get everything back to normal? Vorpal: Not want normal . . . be good boy! Saph: Oh, boy! I don't know how to do this! It's like he's two years old! Ditto: Hmm . . . that gives me an idea! Get Secretary of Veterans Affairs Rogers!!! Rogers: What the **** you need me for you ****in' *****! Ditto: I think those 50 plus years working for PBS made him a little irritable. Sapphire: No kiddin'. Well, we'll just leave Vorp with Rogers until he straightens out. Meanwhile, I suppose it's up to us. Ditto: Any ideas? Sapphire: Well, we could get someone to research these old wars for us so we could get some sense of how to go about this. Ditto: And whom do we know that is an expert on this? Sapphire: *shrug* You seem pretty knowledgeable. But you would have to seize some kind of control. Ditto: Still, we may not have the resources to do so at the moment- The door to the oval office opens with an arctic chill, nearly knocking Saph and Ditto off their feet. Sapphire: [under her breath] Ice queen. Ditto: *Shrug* She is a powerful ally. In this case, old enemies should be taken into consideration, since they are powerful. Sapphire: I guess. *puts on fake smile* Hello, Hillary. Like the new décor of the office? The old one was rather drab. Hellary: Hm, so I see. I just thought that I would let you know that I've dispatched some of my people to bring up information on wars past, and dispatched Bill to work on negotiations. Unfortunately, as I have said, I have lost some of my old help, but I think I can manage. Sapphire: Grrr.. [Gets really mad] Ditto: Excellent! [Sapphire kicks Ditto] Ditto: Hey! Sapphire: [whispers] It was my idea first. Ditto: It was? Hellary: I’ll leave you to your dispute. She exits. Sapphire: I'm sure you will you wicked- Ditto: Now Saph.. Sapphire: Let's get back to business. We don't have much time to lose, what with new technology and all that. There won't be any country left to fight for, if we don't get a move on. Ditto: ..Good point. Saph: Okay, let's look at this logically, and focus on one war at a time. Ditto: Very logical. Saph: Just how did we win the Revolutionary War the first time? Ditto: Basically, we held out until Triple George kicked the bucket. Saph: ...That's it? We wait for Chillsea and Dark Prince Will to die? Triple George was old. They're young. Ditto: Well... There's been a big scandal that Chillsea smokes. Same for Prince Willy too. Saph: Yeah, but we can't just sit around and wait for them to get emphysema. Besides, those rumors were all unsubstantiated. Ditto: Right. In that case, it's time to kick off... The Battle of the Bulge of San Juan/Bunker Hill at Lexington and Concord! Saph: I'll contact Los Alamos, and put Yoshiman at the head of our Weapon-design project. Vorpal: *a la King Koopa in the Movie* Muster the Goombas! Ditto: We don't have any Goombas. Vorpal: Actually, I've taken the steps to having criminals in prisons de-evolved into loyal, lethal members of the Royal family. Saph: Hey, humans didn't evolve from reptiles. Vorpal: *gestures to an overcoat clad reptile behind him* It worked on O.J. Simpson. Ditto: ~Sigh.~

Goom and Ba appear*

Goom: Hey, boss! You still got us! Ba: Can we do all the planning in conference rooms 2,000 miles from any battlefield, sending men to shoot people they have no quarrel with, and then die horrible deaths, all the while pinning medals on each other's chests even though we didn't do anything more heroic than stapling? Vorpal: Of course you can be the Generals.

Goom and Ba high-five each other*

Ditto: Hey, what ever happened to Secretary of Veteran's Affairs Rogers? --Meanwhile, Mr. Rogers, wearing a sweater over a camouflage uniform, climbs the stairs in the PBS building, holding a suitcase. He softly sings "Oh Won't You Be My Neighbor" to himself on the way up. At the top, he goes in a door and to a window. Whistling, he opens the briefcase and pulls out an automatic rifle. He points it out the window at several PBS executives below...--

Saph: Oh, he's probably off planning the next "Land of Make-Believe" skit. Anyway, let's get cracking; group! Vorpal, Goom, Ba, and Ditto: Yeah!

They rush off to do their jobs.*
In the background we hear the very faint sound of gunfire and screaming*

Masamune: I can't take it anymore... how come there’s finally a global war, and we have no part of it? Murasame: We initiated it... 'sides, I got out 'pink fluffy innocent clouds' ready above the battlefield, when they get their... make sure you brought Marshmallows.. Masamune: SMORES!

Dark Prince: Are our soldiers ready? Chillsea: That's right, behold... an entire line of Gorebots! Dark Prince: Hoo hoo hoo! Who can stop the unfathomable power of thousands of Gorebots? Tipper: AHEM! Chillsea: Oh yes... *hands her a pouch of gold* Tipper: Thank you... *wanders off* Chillsea: To help them, I'm designed the 'Pukecannon' which will be controlled by Darth Nader. Dark Prince: Very good. Chillsea: And Bush wanted in on some revenge on Vorpal, so Dubya will be the General... and of course all those other worthless humans that seceded will fight too. Dark Prince: Wonderful! Let us begin preparations!

while our good "hero's" are sending in the revolutionary's, and our "villains" are assembling their force, there be the forgotten folk who still carry with them grudges of long past...

... ...

In the Mansion Old Man: Bar! Barbara: //Am I the only first lady who didn't run things the way they ought to have been in the white house? Hmmph..// Yes, George? Old Man: I'm a bit worried about that boy of mine. Shrub: The fuzzy math kid gave my state a bad name... Old Man: Quiet you. You're grounded. I thought it was only your brother who couldn't count. Barbara: ..sigh. Old Man: Anyway, I believe its time to initiate plan- Barbara: Didn't we do that already? Old Man: Quiet woman! I'm still gaining control of this country no matter what. Those miserable Clintin's... that miserable Vorpal, they'll pay. Read my- Barbara: Dear!

Elsewhere.. A lone silhouette of a woman is stalking away slowly in the moonlight. She turns for a moment and her features are illuminated for a moment to reveal... Tipper: Hah! They thought that I would be on my merry way after I got this pouch of gold, eh? Well nobody, close up Tipper: ...has seen the last, of Tipper Gore. Robotics will succeed. After all, I didn't spend half my life creating Gore-bots for nothing, did I? I didn't team up with those Clintin's for nothing, did I? She stops speaking and turns around, and continues stalking away...

Vorpal: Wait! I know how to get the country back to the way it was and get rid of the "Other Country"!!!!! Saph: What? Vorpal: I'll use my psychic power and lift every thing off the "Other Country" 10 feet into the air except for the "Other Country's" castles and bases! I'll then raise America, Canada and England back to the way they were from out of the ocean. That'll send a giant wave that'll sink the "Other Country"! Then I'll move everything back to the way it was! Ditto: It's better than anything else we can do. Masamune and Murasame run in. Masa: We're here to hel . . . Aw, rats!!!! -The Next DAY!- Ditto: It seems to be resolved, all the states are back in control, and the other countries have resumed leadership under their original leaders. Vorpal: Very good... Reporter: So, how does it feel to know that the first three weeks of your presidency had the world’s largest and most ridiculous war ever? Vorpal: *grins* Pretty darn good!

Somewhere in the White House, PWD is reading a letter from some human. PWD- It says: Dear President Vorpal,

I have witnessed your presidency in the White House, and it is very good...so far. But that doesn't mean you WON'T fail to fill your first term of President. Let this be known: YOU STINK, YOU PHONEY BELONEY!! We, the terrorists, have a plan up our sleves and are ready to attack you at ANY SECOND. Beware, we will kill you easily, along with Vice President Ditto McCloaker and Lady in Red Sapphire. We're gonna kill ya, Terrorists PWD- Whew, at least I wasn't mentioned in this letter. Oh, wait, there's more: P.S., We're also gonna kill: Sec. of Press: Yankovic Sec. of State: Bodet Sec. of Defense: Sgt. Flutter Sec. of Agriculture: DVGBC Sec. of Education: Dodo Sec. of Energy: Parasol Waddle Dee Sec. of Health and Human Services: Fuzzball Sec. of Housing and Urban Development: Wrange Tirk Sec. of the Interior: Yoshiman Attorney General: Mr. Predict Sec. of Transportation: Linkman Sec. of Labor: Nazz Sec. of Commerce: Kirbyboy Sec. of Treasury: Magikoopa Sec. of Veteran's Affairs: Rogers PWD-...I've gotta tell President Vorpal or we'll all die oh, darn those terrorists I wish they didn't exist now what do we do we have to surrender we have no chance of survival this is a nightmare that came true oh, I hate reality it really blows and now we're doomed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (takes a breath) I should really try to come down...(takes another breath) Oh, no, we don't have a chance those terrorists are gonna kill every single one of us and we don't have a code T plan oh, I knew this was going to become bad with those terrorists I TOLD President Valentina of Japan to destroy them all but she didn't and they're all loose and we're gonna die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rocky, President Vorpal's unknown-and-not-quite-mentioned pet, comes in with a portable television. Rocky- Vorpal! PWD- Oh! It's not too late to tell him!

Ring* *Ring* *Ring*

Vorpal picks up his cell phone. Vorpal: Hello? Oh, Sec. of Energy PWD! What's wrong? [pause] Uh huh. Yeah. [pause] Listen, maybe you should slow down. I can't translate a single word you're saying. [long pause] Terrorists? Oh, my goodness...wait, are you SURE that this is real? [pause] Okay, okay, I'll tell everyone else and...[pause] I have an unknown-and-not-quite-mentioned pet Rocky? [pause] A rock for a pet? Okay, listen, I'm gonna tell everybody else and we'll think up a plan to stop the terrorists. [pause] Uh,...no, I don't think I'm going to "un-ban" brussel sprouts. Oh, you use them to calm you down? Are brussel sprouts like drugs? Do you abuse them? [pause] Sorry. Bye. [hangs up] Ditto: Who was that? Sapphire: Was it important? Vorpal: It was Sec. of Energy, PWD. And, yes, it WAS rather important. Sapphire: How was it important? Ditto: Was the time machine invented? Vorpal: No, no, no. It's the terrorists... Ditto: Terrorists?! Sapphire: Terrorists?! Vorpal: I'm not finished. Ditto and Sapphire: Oh. Vorpal: Well, the Terrorists are planning to kill every single one of us. Ditto: WHAT?! Sapphire: *rolls eyes* Save me a front row seat. Vorpal: It's true, we got a threat letter. Ditto: Now what? Vorpal: *Sigh* Another meeting. Sapphire: Awwwwww, man! I just finished brushing the green fuzz away from my red dress!

Everyone, except PWD, is in the meeting room. Vorpal: As you can see,... Ditto: Uh, President Vorpal? Vorpal: What? Ditto: PWD isn't here,...yet. Vorpal: We'll just start without him. Now,... Before Vorpal can tell everyone what's going on with the terrorists, a loud scream is heard from within the White House. Soon, PWD opens the door, rushes into the room, closes the door, and locks it. PWD- Whew,...that was close. Sapphire: What happened? PWD- It...it was the terrorists!! Suddenly, a gun shot is heard and everyone ducks. Yoshiman: We're gonna die! Sgt. Flutter: We're doomed! Everyone else: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Rocky- Terrorists weak. PWD- Uh, Rocky, it isn't nice to insult the terrorists...

Ditto looks out the window and sees a man in a turban and a long beard outside*

Ditto: Oh NO! It's Osama Bin-Ladin!(nickname please?) Bin-Ladin: I am going to blow up de whole United States dere. Oh yes, yes. Dat is what I am going to be doing! Vorpal: Hey, aren't you that Arab dude? Bin-Ladin: Heavens to Allah! You have figured oud de identity I have been using dere! I must flee away at this moment!

pulls out a flying carpet and flies away*

Vorpal: We'll be seeing him again. I just know it. And now, on with the Parade...

That Delightful Peter Jennings: And so, in celebration of the end of the...

does a double-take at his script*

...Second Revolutionary World War III, uh... Vorpal is scheduled to take part in a victory parade in New Mexico, light-heartedly deciding to follow the exact same route followed by President John F. Kennedy the day he was assassinated, which you may remember happened on a day exactly like today. And here comes the presidential motorcade now!

The motorcade begins to go by. Vorpal, Ditto, and Saph are riding in a convertible, waving to cheering facts*

TDPJ: And it appears Vorpal is arriving to a warm welcome. Here they come, and...

splat!*
Vorpal slumps forward onto the wheel*

Ditto: -Oh my God! Saph: He's been hit! He's been hit!

a tin pan and a white substance slides down Vorpal's back*

TDPJ: Oh my God. Just two seconds ago, we heard the sound of a splat and a bunch of screaming coming from inside the presidential car. It appears that President has been... hit with a pie. Ditto: Driver! Quick! Drive! Drive! TDPJ: ...And now the motorcar is headed to the nearest bath house. I repeat; the President has just been hit with a pie. No word yet on just what kind of pie it was, though there have been shouts of coconut cream. We are still not sure whether it was an ordinary pie or a high-powered assault pie. Members of the Secret Service are being dispatched right now to discover the identity of the thrower, but it isn't looking good. --At the Hospital-- Doctor: Quick, this man needs moist towlettes! Moist towellettes I say! We gotta get that coconut cream out of there before it leaves a stain on the suit! Assistant: Sir! It's hopeless! We're just wasting them! We must save them for patients we can save! Doctor: *grabs him by the shirt-collar* I said get me those towelettes! If I can save just one suit, it's worth it! Now GO! Vorpal: Uggghhhh... Saph: He's coming around! Ditto: Say something! Vorpal: So cold... so cold... Ditto: You need blood? *rolls up his sleeve and thrusts his arm at the doctor* Vorpal: ...No... It's dripping into my underwear! YYYEEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!

Meanwhile, a shadowy figure wearing a bellhop's uniform in a nearby hotel is seen rolling a pastry wagon down a hallway. He ducks into a nearby broom closet and pulls out a teddy bear. He unscrews the head and pulls out a communication device.*

--At Buckingham Palace--

phone rings*

Dark Prince: Hello? Ah, yes, Agent Bean. Fine work. Good. Be on a plane home as soon as possible. Chillsea: Now, for the next part of our plan...

Masamune: Well that went well? Murasame: Yes! Too bad that wasn’t US! Masamune: I wish I had been the one doing the pie... BLAST THOSE TERRORISTS! Murasame: Hmm... I know! You know your 'New Atlantis'? Masamune: Yeah... Murasame: And our scheme on page 1? Masamune: Yes... Murasame: If we land New Atlantis in a convenient spot in the ocean, we can become a new country and ally ourselves with the USA. Masamune: How does that help us? Murasame: Tch, tch, never much of a think little brother, we ally ourselves with the USA so we can get rid of those Terrorists without losing our 'bad guy' look. Because we'll get rid of the Terrorists... then REPLACE THEM! Masamune: Oooh! I love it! *picks up mic* Rapheal, Albatoss! Get this New Atlantis landed somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean! Mic: *statis* Yes sir, roger that sir! *statis* Murasame: Hmm.. *picks up cell phone* Snipes? Oh Krunk... go get Snipes... *pause* Snipes, get the special 'eggs' ready, we need as many repto-mans as we can get for our 'citizens' *pause* Very good, bye! Masamune: Soon, very soon we will earn money.. HONESTLY! Masa and Mura: GWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Saph: Is Vorpal gonna be all right? Doctor: I tr, tried to . . . Loud screaming can be heard in the back room. Vorpal: My DK tie! Three weeks and it's gone! Doctor: I'm sorry, Mr. President, It was beyond our control. Two nurses come in and cover the tie with a white sheet and carry it off. Vorpal: *sniff* Those terrorists are gonna pay!

PWD is running around, screaming. PWD- Oh, my gosh, the president is in the hospital it was all the terrorists' fault I hate them they're gonna pay for what they've done and...the president was hit with a Coconut-Spinach-Broccoli-Brussel Sprout pie!!! The humiliation!!!! Perfectly good vegetables soiled by a suit, and the other way around!! The president isn't gonna be happy when he finds out that the hippies AND the terrorists are conjoining to form the "Ultimate Weirdo Dude Peace" group AND that they're planning to kill Sir Vice President Ditto McCloaker for profit, Lady in Red Sapphire for Congress, and ME for the Constitution!!! Oh, the horror of it all!!! Rocky- Calm down. PWD- No, they're going to kill YOU for a Rocky Skin Coat!!!! Rocky- Nooooooooooooooooo! PWD- What do I do, what do I do, WHAT DO I DO?!?!?! Rocky- PANIC!!! PWD- No, no,...calm down, I'm going to call Vice President Ditto McCloaker and tell him what's going on now.

Ditto picks up his cell phone. Ditto: Hello? PWD, what's wrong now? [pause] WHAT?!?!?! [long pause] No, no, no, this CAN'T be happening!! [pause] Oh, shut up. [hangs up] Sapphire: That was...? Ditto: It was some Sec., okay?! Sapphire: Um,... Ditto: Anyway, PWD just got news that Vorpal, me, you, PWD, AND Vorpal's unknown-and-not-quite-mentioned-pet, Rocky are going to be slaughtered. THEN, they'll kill everyone else. Sapphire: Horrible! Ditto: He also said something about being killed with a cabbage pie... Sapphire: Ditto, watch out for the--

SPLAT*

Sapphire: --pie. Doctor: Oh, no! I MUST save THIS suit, too!

Dodo: Grrr... my whole Rival School planned.. Dashed away over that war... *his pen rolls off the floor* Hmmm? *bends down to get it, suddenly a pie flies overhead barely missing him and splaying in a wall* What!? ???: Drat! *begins to run away* Dodo: Security! Intruder!!! Security Man: You stop! ???: Dangit... *puts hands up* Dodo: Well, well... a Terrorist.. *tastes pie* Worm pie? Trying to ruin me with what I love most, eh? ???: I'll never speak! Dodo: Is that so? You just did! ???: No! *pulls out another pie and turns it towards his own pie* Security: No- Dodo: WAIT!

splat*

Dodo: It.. was pie induced suicide... Security: Whoever this guys working for, whatever they would do to him must've been worse that what we would've done... Dodo: Hmmm... relay this to Vorpal... and get a doctor in here! Perhaps we can identify who this was and possibly save the hitman outfit... I kinda like it... Security: :sweatdrop: Umm.. yeah.

Somewhere in the White House, another Terrorist is in the secret passage ways. Homer Simpson: Heh heh heh. I'll get paid a million dollar bills for this! Hee hee hee! Now I just gotta drop this pie on...Parasol Waddle Dee? Who the (Hic) is that?! Awwww, (Hic)! I've got the (Hic) ups! In his office, PWD is looking at planet earth's lazy humans from monitors. PWD- They need more energy! Let's see...a sugar covered rice ball should give them the energy they need!! (to the humans through telepathy) [monotone] You will go and buy yourself sugar covered rice balls and will no longer be lazy. The humans suddenly get some energy, go out of their houses, and buy sugar covered rice balls. PWD- Wow, that monotone telepathy thing really works...maybe I should use it on the terrorists to stop the attacks. No, I should ask President Vorpal for permission. Without warning, Homer Simpson falls into PWD's office. Homer Simpson: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! PWD-...! Oh, no! Not ANOTHER terrorist!! In self-defense, PWD knocks Homer Simpson unconscious with his parasol. Homer Simpson: D'OH!!! (passes out) PWD- Whew,...Oh, for the love of Marx...he was gonna throw that mad cow diseased pie at me...and I HATE meat! What should I do? Suddenly, Bart Simpson, another terrorist, falls into the room and chucks a pie at PWD. PWD- AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! As a reaction to the attack, PWD transforms his parasol into a mirror wand and reflects the pie. Bart Simpson: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! Bart Simpson is hit with the pie and is knocked unconscious. PWD's mirror wand transforms back into a parasol. PWD- Whew, that was close...Security!! Sentence those two!!! Being a Nintendo character, PWD's security guy is Mr. Saturn. Mr. Saturn- YoU cAlLeD, PWD? PWD- Yes,...I said, "Sentence those two!!!" Mr. Saturn- As YoU wIsH, PWD. PWD- Um,...you'll have to listen to President Vorpal, too. Mr. Saturn- BuT, hE's NoT Shigeru Miyatomo's cReAtIoN, lIkE uS! PWD- He's the PRESIDENT, and that's all that matters. Mr. Saturn- As YoU wIsH, PWD. Mr. Saturn takes Homer and Bart Simpson to the "secret dungeon below". PWD- I REALLY gotta hire more Nintendo guards...

Ditto: (on cell phone) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No....oh, okay. Bye! Sapphire: And WHO was that? Ditto: I think Valentina is helping us, too, but I don't really know for sure. Sapphire: Oh. Vorpal: Hey, DK, can I borrow your tie? DK: *dressed in a black suit and an ear piece* No you may not sir.

Pinches Vorpal on the neck and Vorpal faints*

Link: *also dressed like a Secret Agent* Hey, you can't do that to the Pres . . . *DK pinches Link and Link faints* DK: *looks at his watch* I still have fifteen minutes until Will and Grace. *Pinches himself and faints* Suddenly, PWD comes into the room. To his horror, he sees that his fellow Nintendo characters, Link and DK, have passed out on the floor. To his humiliation and horror, the president has also passed out. PWD-.......YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!! After awhile, Vorpal regains consciousness. Vorpal: Owwww....what happened? Hey,...why are Nintendo characters on the floor and passed out? PWD- Uh,...it's all a dream, you see. Vorpal: Uhhhhhh,...sure. While DK is asleep, I'll take his tie. *takes DK's tie* PWD- What do we do with the others? Vorpal: I say we leave 'em. PWD- What if sir Ditto McCloaker comes and finds them? What if he has a heart attack? Vorpal-.......Shut up. PWD- Anyway, Sir President Vorpal? Rocky, your not-quite-mentioned-pet-rock, heard that Sir Vice President Ditto McCloaker has been hit with a pie. Vorpal: Huh? PWD- The terrorists hit him with it. Vorpal:....What? PWD- *Sigh* Terrorists equal pie plus Ditto McCloaker. Vorpal: He was hit with a pie? PWD- YES! Vorpal:....

Ditto: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Doctor: I'm sorry, Ditto, we did all we could. Nurse: No, actually, we weren't trying to--*Doctor pinches her and she faints* Ditto: You....you meanies! You couldn't save my shirt!! Doctor:...We're sorry. Ditto: Grrrrr...THOSE TERRORISTS ARE GONNA PAY!!!! Sapphire: hmm... Ditto: What is it? Sapphire: I've just been thinking.. this flying pie terrorist thing. What if it isn't terrorists? Ditto: eh? Sapphire: I see you are still suffering from the affects of your hit... anyway, I've just been theorizing. We have many enemies. This could just be an attack from one of them...and it's bound to get more serious.

Meanwhile, far far away in Texas... Dubya: Yee haw! Got Vorpal and that Ditto-dude too! Can I do another one pop? Please? Old Man: [Mutter] All right... BAR! Barbara: Aren't any of these pies going to be for eatin', dear? Old Man: What's that one you got there? Barbara: Apple. Dubya: My favorite! Oh boy oh boy, we can throw the next one, all right? Old Man: Bar, he's regressing. Barbara: *roll eyes* I'll be just a minute.

Barbara: [to herself] The things I do for... um.. utter dislike?

Vorpal walks in, in the middle of Saph's and Ditto's discussion. Vorpal: *beaming, with an oversized DK tie* Whatcha talkin' bout? Saph: Uh, nothing. I see you got a new tie. Vorpal: Shhhhh! DK might hear you! PWD: *peaks his head inside* No, he's out cold, sir. Vorpal: Good, just for that, I'm legalizing Carrots. PWD: Couldn't it be brussel sprouts? Vorpal: NO! *To Saph* So what were you talking about? Ditto: *whispering* We better not tell him, or he might go all second-grade on us again. Saph: Uhhh . . .

Dodo and one of the security guards just walk in. Ditto: What are you doing here pudgy? Dodo: *glares* I'll ignore that comment... I'm here... because someone just attacked me... and I believe I traced who did it. Vorpal: Really!? Who? Ditto: Oh boy... Umm Dodo, about that 'Rival Schools' plan. Dodo: *beams* Yes? Saph: Ditto and I love it! We think it should pass! Dodo: Really!? Vorpal: Huh? No way! That plan sucked! Dodo: *frowns* Grrr... first I nearly get hit with a pie, then my plan is flat-out refused! That's Monday for you... *stomps out* Ditto: Whew...

Suddenly, DK springs up.*

DK: Time for Will and Grace! *Runs to the TV* Vorpal: Uh. . . that's my TV. DK: Shhshhshh. . . it's starting! Meanwhile... Tipper: Hee hee... now for my newest prototype... No one shall beat this Algore... Alchi Muyore! *turns it on* Algore: *whirls* Hmm... ahh, I'm alive. Wonderful... I just hope... AHH! TIPPER! (Oh no, not again...)

Vorpal: What have I done as President? I haven't done anything. Ditto: Well, it's only the second day and you stopped the Civil War and possibly the Revolution . . . Vorpal: No, important stuff!!!! Ditto: Umm, you changed the theme for the President from "Hail to the Chief" to "Classical Gas". Vorpal: I guess that's important. . . Ditto: And you're the only fifteen-year old president. Vorpal: Also true. Ditto: And the lawn never looked tackier. Vorpal: By George, you're right! I am important! Saph: Great, now he's going on an ego trip. Vorpal: On the road again. . . Ditto: Why me?

A week passes . . . TDPJ: Only nine days into the Presidency, and some are calling Vorpal the greatest President ever. Some are calling him the worst. I frankly don't care; I'm Canadian. Vorpal: *watching TV* Canadian! We allow Canadians to broadcast on American television? Saph: Actually the TV's are made in Japan. . . Vorpal: They're closer to Americans then Canadians are! *changing subject* Hey, where's PWD? I haven't seen him in a while. Vorpal, Ditto and Saph go to PWD's office. They find PWD lying in a huge crate half-full of brussel sprouts. Ditto: PWD! Brussel Sprouts are illegal! PWD: Had, to have Brussels sprouts. Vorpal: We better not let this leak to the press. . . The next day . . . TDTB: I seems that Secretary of Energy, Parasol Waddle Dee, has been illegally importing Brussels sprouts from Canada. He gave out this statement. PWD: I tasted, but I did not swallow. TDTB: Sources say that . . .

Masamune: Well... now what shall we do? Murasame: Well... after careful consideration, I have decided that it is time I go over to evil and you to good... instead of in the center. Masamune: But is Vorpal good or bad? Murasame: With Ditto and Saph I say good... I shall meanwhile devise an evil scheme to destroy America. Masamune: And... and I shall support Vorpal is some way... maybe a cheese factory...

Vorpal: All right. I guess that since the ENTIRE U.S. has seceded from the U.S... We're united again. That means... the Civil War is over. Saph: Yaayyyy! Ditto: And the Revolutionary War? Shouldn't that be over? Vorpal: Well, the English are saying they want a recount of all the people that died in the first Rev. War. They're saying they might've still won. Ditto: Well, that's fair. WE WON. Just hold A FAIR AND ACCURATE RECOUNT. To do otherwise WOULD BE JUST PLAIN NUTTY. Vorpal: I don't agree with the recount process. Ditto: I say EVERYTHING COULD BE STRAIGHTENED OUT WITH A NICE, CLEAN RECOUNT. Vorpal: Why do you keep talking to the screen like that? Ditto: To get my point across. I'm just saying WE WON FAIR AND SQUARE. Vorpal: Let's just leave it up to the Supreme Court. Chief Justice Buttkist: I say we leave the decision to the British. *his evil little eyes dart back and forth* We will now adjourn. Coming everyone?

The other members of the Supreme Court, except for Breyer and the other dissidents, jump into Buttkist's pocket*

Ditto: Well, we obviously can't rely on the Supreme Court to do the right thing so I guess it's in our hands. Saph: So what do we do? Ditto: We're goin' to England ourselves! We'll bring this thing to a close so we can get on with the Administration. Saph: Okay! [Just then, Masamune arrives and explains his situation] Masamune: And so that’s about it... Ditto: You were an opponent in the election and were responsible for several wars in Vorpal’s early presidency... and now you want us to TRUST you!? Masamune: Hmmm... yeah, pretty much. My skills are unmatched... well outdone by Murasame, but he's not loyal... like me! Vorpal: Didn't you betray us in PG14? And then betray Dark prince and Chillsea last week? Masamune: Yes... but the thing you fail to see is why... Profit, profit, PROFIT! That is my objective, you as president is profitable. Me helping you is mutually beneficial. Ditto: Stay firm Vorpal, he's using big words against you... Masamune: By utilizing your powerful position and my mysterious powers and abilities. We could easily solve all of America's problem and expand... *raises hand to the sky* To the unknown... Vorpal: Go... to space... (There’s aliens that know me there... that might not be a good idea...) Masamune: I know there are aliens that know you Vorpal. But that is no matter, for I shall win them over or simply get rid of them. Ditto: I don't quite trust him, what do you think Vorpal? Vorpal: Well... Vorpal: For the sake of the story, I say, we let Masamune whatever, and . . . yeah. Masamune: *a la Homer Simpson* Woohoo! Ditto: What!?!?!!?!?! Vorpal: I, uh, think he'll, make, uh, valuable addition, yeah, and besides, Dodo is the Sec. of Education. How bad could Masa be? Sapphire: Classic Vorpal. *Roll eyes*

In a random classroom in America. Kid 1: All we have are bird watching classes. I'm bored, I think I'll shoot someone. Kid 2: Yeah, and they'll blame it on Doom. Hahahahahahahaha Kid 1: Hahahahahah, wait, I don't get it.

Vorpal: Think we can paint this place black? Ditto: You're really reveling in this now, aren't you. Just because the Civil War II is over and all those other ones have ... mysteriously ended... Vorpal: Well, I hadn't gotten much time to sit back, and enjoy the victory. Ditto: To the victor go the spoils... Vorpal: Eh? Ditto: I was recalling a certain president named Andrew Jackson.. Old Hickory, the common man.. Yah, right. Ghost: I heard that! Ditto: ...*rolls eyes* ... anyway, you have to meet with your advisors.. that's what they are here for, no? Vorpal: Kitchen cabinet? Ghost: Stop calling me! Ditto: We don't mean you, *rolls eyes*, Vorp, you know all this already. Sapphire: I thought we were heading to England to settle this thing? Ditto: We were. But Vorpal had to attend to his ...uh, presidential duties, and I had to make sure he doesn't make too many irrational decisions... so who's left? Sapphire: Well we could always- Voice: I'll go! A gust of cold wind blasts through the room. Hellary: And I'm not even in a bad mood at the moment. *laughs* Hm hm hm ha ha.. Sapphire: *very mad* And why would you go? Don't you have other duties, like being the senator of New York? Hellary: Well, Chuckie doesn't need me right now, and obviously the senate is held with minute disregard, and I have old scores to settle with Charles.. besides, Chillsea is over there, and you know how much I love the British. Sapphire: You're scaring me. Hellary: I'd like to see you go over there, then. Sapphire: ..Fine! *storms off* Ditto: Hey, wait! *runs after her*

Barbara: Honey, I told you not to let Georgie eat the pie. He's eaten every last one I baked just because you didn't listen to me in the- Old Man: Silence, woman!

--BUCKINGHAM PALACE--

William, Chillsea, and Triple G are talking*

Triple George: *sniffs as he points towards William* Failure! Dark Prince: No! No! I can make it up! I promise! Triple George: Sure, sure. Chillsea: I wouldn't go pointing fingers if I were you. Triple George: Eh?

She throws a blast of cold wind and freezes the ghost instantly*

Dark Prince: :jawdrop: How did you do that?!! Chillsea: *blows off fingers* Nothing you need to worry your pretty little head about, dear. [William and Chillsea are arguing] Dark Prince: ..and furthermore, if you think that I am going to give up my say in this matter, you're wrong! Chillsea: I do admit, putting the Queen Mother and the rest of the rebels in the dungeons was a pretty good idea, but don't you think you're a little INEXPERIENCED to try and overthrow your own grandmother? Dark Prince: Really, m'dear, whose side are you on?

A cold blast of wind knocks him across the room. She shakes her head sadly at him as he slowly rises.

Chillsea: Well, of course I'm on yours, dear. I just think it may be a little odd if suddenly I were declared queen might cause a little more problems in this country before we take over the rest of the world? The sun never sets on the British Empire remember? Dark Prince: Where did you hear that? Chillsea: I didn't go to prep-schools for nothing, you know. We've had these talks before. Besides, my mother is getting pretty maaaayd over there. My father being what he was and all, and she failing to secure the presidency for that Gore fellow.. so much for nice clean recounts.. Dark Prince: Don't talk to me about American recounts. Why, they couldn't count as far as I could throw them.

He jumps back just as she fixes her eyes upon him with an icy glare*

Chillsea: Besides, there are other ways to control them. If force and determination aren't working, then we must find out what we missed. I won't rest, till the United States, is mine.

She takes a sip of her tea*

Chillsea: The United States, will be mine. Mm hm hm hm ha ha ha ha... Prince William: *makes puppy dog eyes* Um.. ours? Voice: Not so fast! Chillsea: What the...

Chillsea and William turn towards the voice*

Chillsea: *laughs menacingly* Oh, if it isn't the Lady in Red. Or should I say First Lady in Red. I remember you; you were the little girl who tried to foil my mother's plans in New York! Sapphire: Yes, mommy says hello. Chillsea: Grrr... Anyway, she may not have been able to get rid of you, but that's not saying that I won't!

Dubya: So umm.. You’re saying that I can make a comeback? I dunno, what do you think Pa? Old Man: Well boy, he helped last time in the election. He seems trustworthy, but what's in it for him? Murasame: What? Why to be an important historical figure. Now see your plans to call off the Recount failed unfortunately. Vorpal won anyway (by a landslide). Of course were not even mentioning Masamune's 20 million vote lead before seceding.... Barbara: Why did that young fella' drop out? Murasame: Ruling a country was too small, besides USA don’t have enough firepower for fun destruction... Anyhow, we can -actually- become important figures now... And I know how.... Old Man: And how is that son? Murasame: Hmmm... well during the wars, I managed to acquire the United States Press under my control. Their quite influential if used properly.... Dubya: You mean we could use them to uhh... uh... Oh phooey! I almost had it! Barbara: *leans over to Dubya* Make a comeback and show Vorpal's true color dear... Dubya: Oooh! That’s it! Barbara: It’s so good to be the voice of reason…

Meanwhile, as the Lady in Red distracts the Dark Prince and Chillsea, Ditto, dressed as a British guard, attempts to sneak in via another route. Suddenly... Guard: Halt! Who goes there! Ditto: Ah! Ummm... Guard: I say, just who the divil' are you? Ditto: *gets an idea* I'm the Major-General! Guard: Oh yeah? Prove it! Ditto: Well, since you asked...

singing*

I am the very model of a modern major general, I've information vegetable, animal and mineral, I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical, I'm also well acquainted too with matters mathematical, I can understand equations both the simple and quadratical, On binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news, With many cheerful facts about the square root of the hypotenuse! Chorus: With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse! Ditto: I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, And I know the scientific names of beings animalcules, In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-General! Chorus: In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral, he is the very model of a modern Major-General... Meanwhile... Lady In Red: And now, Chillsea! We're taking you back to mommy! Chillsea: We? You and who else? Lady In Red: *muttering to herself* C'mon, Ditto... What's taking so long? Meanwhile, back down at the Palace Gatehouse, Ditto's skillful mastery of Gilbert and Sullivan has managed to subdue the guards... Ditto: Aaaand....

When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery, When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery, When I know a smattering of elementary strategy, You will say a better Major-General has never sat a gee! Chorus: *Arms linked, toes tapping, singing along* Oh, when he knows a smattering of elementary strategy, We will say a better Major-General has never sat a gee! Yaaay! Encore! Encore! Ditto: Uhhh... and now, my friend over here will sing "Captain of the Pinafore" for you! Crowd of Guards: Yaaaay! Guard in Corner: Oh boy! My big break! *climbs up on a table and clears his throat, while Ditto sneaks out and heads toward the Palace* Ditto: Here I come!

Meanwhile... Chillsea: Well, it doesn't look like any help is coming. Now... Alchi Muyore! Take care of her! Alchi Muyore: Ha ha ha! Now, I shall make like a denominator and fraction you!

advances towards her*

Lady in Red: You’re such a spoilsport.

Suddenly, a voice comes from nowhere*

Voice: Hey! Al! Look! A ballot box! Gorebot: Really?! Must count it! Must count every vote! *jumps out the window, and crashes into a mess of springs n' things out in the courtyard, where the guards are having too jolly a time to notice...* Chillsea: Curses!

Vorpal sits on the steps of the White House with a guitar. He sings and Ditto sits down beside him. How many roads must a man walk down Before you call him a man How many seas must a white dove sail Before she sleeps in the sand How many times must the cannon balls fly Before they're forever banned The answer my friend Is blowing in the wind The answer is blowing in the wind How many times must a mountain exist Before it's washed to the sea How many years can some people exist Before they’re allowed to be free How many times can a man turn his head Pretending he just doesn't see The answer my friend Is blowing in the wind The answer is blowing in the wind How many times must a man look up Before he can see the sky How many ears must one man have Before he can hear people cry How many deaths will it takes till he knows That too many people have died The answer my friend Is blowing in the wind The answer is blowing in the wind As President Vorpal strums, small groups of protesters outside the gates put down their signs and stare in. Guards at the gate look confused, and then turn around. People on the street stop and listen to the music, which Sapphire has cleverly hooked up to a speaker, spreading it to the surrounding area. Old hippies join hands with the young and concentrate on the music. Everyone stops and crowds at the gate, and begin swaying and singing along. Traffic cops come and listen. Cars driving around Washington stop, and people get out to stand up and listen to their President. The White House staff gather out on the East Lawn to listen. Soon, it seems all of Washington D.C. is swaying in joy and warmth to his sonorous strains. When he's done, a small mutter rumbles through the crowd. A small child steps up and begins clapping her hands. The clapping begins to grow, and grow, and people begin to cheer... Vorpal: Thanky, America! *gives a Clintin' wave and smile* Newspaper Editor: *At his window* Stop the presses! Lackey: Why, sir? Newspaper Editor: I haven't seen such public togetherness since my days reporting in the 60's. That guy out there, *brushes away a tear* may have just done more to seal the bond between Republicans and Democrats, young and old, conservative and liberal, than any stuffed shirt in Washington. I want you to write that, just like I said! Lackey: *scribbling* Yes sir! *darts away* ~Meanwhile, in Buckingham Palace~

books are strewn around. Everything is quiet. A picture falls off a wall, as Chillsea stands goggle-eyed at the window, staring down at the wreckage outside. The guards around the palace are all silent, save for whispers. Dark Prince Willy sits, face down, at his desk. Finally Chillsea shuts the window and marches over to him...*

Chillsea: This... is all your fault, you... you... androgynous wimp! Willy: *slowly looking up, with anger in his eye* ...My fault?! That was your stupid lackey! Chillsea: They were your incompetent guards! If YOU weren't such an impotent leader... Willy: WHAT?! Oh... you said leader. Chillsea: You definitely take after your father, 'Your Highness.' Willy: Shut up, nag. Chillsea: You... molly-coddled spoiled rebel-wannabe! Willy: Shut up, you gawky, gilded loudmouth! Chillsea: Why you...!

A calm, cool voice wafts into the room accompanies by a deathly chill...*

Voice: Trouble in paradise, dear? Chillsea: M... mother! *runs up to Hellary, who sweeps into the room* Hellary: My, my. You sound just like me, when your father failed miserably for the first time. Of course, I had him whipped more than that, but... you're learning. Chillsea: Mommy! I don't wanna be with William! I wanna come home! *sob* Willy: Now wait just a minute...! Hellary: Why you...! Chillsea: No, mother. Let me. I've seen you do it to Daddy hundreds of times...

she gives him an icy stare. Suddenly, he doubles over and sits in a chair, crossing his legs and whining*

Chillsea: Did I do good, mommy? Hellary: My my... you have been paying attention! Let's go home, dear...

They leave. Willy sits at his desk*

Willy: I want my Mommy!

Suddenly, 'The Queen of Hearts' appears before him*

Willy: Mo-mommy?! Speak to me!

Suddenly, he floats off the ground upside down, and a book flies off a shelf and paddles him*

Princess: Go to your room, young man, and don't come out until you've thought about what you've done! Willy: AWww... Princess: Don't talk back to me! Just wait til your father gets home! I swear; I'm turning in my grave right this minute! You're going to be the after-death of me! Now, MARCH! Willy: WAAAAAAAAHHH! Meanwhile, on the plane... Chillsea: Mommy.. I just thought, we had so much in common... He'd be perfect to help me take over the world, like you. ...Are they all such morons? Hellary: Yes, dear. You just have to learn that men's main purpose is to draw smiles. You've got to learn to take control yourself, like I did with the entire Democratic Party. Chillsea: Okay, mommy. Can I try again when I get back? Hellary: Of course you can... Now, lay your head on mommy's shoulder.

She does. Hellary's eyes suddenly get really wide...*

Hellary: Is that... smoke?! Chillsea: *popping eyes* Hellary: YOU'RE GOING TO YOUR ROOM FOR A MILLION YEARS, YOUNG LADY! AND YOU ARE NOT SEEING THAT PRINCE AGAIN!

At the White House, all the pleasant commotion is silenced from the screaming coming from the plane overhead. Everyone looks at each other...*

Ditto: Well... Sapphire: I guess we won't be hearing from Bonny Prince Willy or Chillsea ever again. Vorpal: What a relief. Maybe now I can get this Presidency under control. Ditto: Another day, another crisis. I wonder what our next scandal is gonna be? Sapphire: In the real world, many people are talking about diversity in the Cabinet. Vorpal: *looks at his Cabinet, full of turtles, dreamlanders, and whatnot* I... don't think we'll have a problem with that...

-v- \_________/ [{. .}] ~J~ \ -v- / Dubya: Maybe I should try that...

That Delightful Peter Jennings: Well folks, it looks like everything is back to normal. Right now, I'm about to interview the lovely Tipper Gore. Madame? Tipper: *her eyes change to an eerie red color as she places what remains of her beloved Gore-bot on the counter* I swore I would get revenge, and you people keep undermining me! And I won't stand for it, you hear? TDPJ: Heh..heh.. *sweat* That's all folks.. --TV turns off-- Vorpal: Her and her puffed up threats. Right now is about the time when we can relax! Ditto: Well let's see... has congress sent you any bills that they want you to veto or approve? Vorpal: The only "Bill" I've seen was old "Bubba" making his daily delivery of McDonalds. Sapphire: *roll eyes* Ditto: Hmm... you see, there just isn't something right about this. We're supposed to be handling crisis’s.. Vorpal: But they are all handled. And they said being president was hard! Tcch. Nah. Sapphire: ... Vorpal switches on the television. That Evil Tom Brokaw: ...with me today, is Laura Bush, wife of the former governor of Texas.. Sapphire: What is it with these guys? Ditto: -.-() I think it's because since there is really no other crisis's going on in the world our old nemesis's must make continual re-appearances, until they kill it. Sapphire: I see your point... Laura Bush: Well, ah just wanted to say that even though I was forgotten by tha' public, I'm still around, and believe me, you won't forget my name this time! TETB: ..Thank you, Mrs. Bush. Vorpal: *turns off TV* Isn't there anything DECENT on? Ditto: We could always watch... Kikki's delivery service! Vorpal: No. Anything but that. Sapphire: You did say you were bored, Vorpal. Vorpal: Yes. I mean no. I don't know. Hey wait, I have an idea, why don't we pull out a game system and play a few? Ditto: ...sure Vorpal. But shouldn't you be managing the telephone? Vorpal: Oh, I'll get a secretary to do that. Sapphire: Oh brother. Vorpal: Hmm, lessee *rummaging through boxes* Aha! Here are my game systems! Nintendo, Super Nintendo, Nintendo64, Game Boy Color, Virtual Boy, Neo Geo Pocket, Playstation, Game Gear. And All 150 of my games!!!!!! Ditto: So what are you going to play? Vorpal: *holding two NES games, looks at one* Punch-Out!! *looks at other* Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!, Punch-Out!!, Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! Saph: ~sigh~ this could take forever Secret Service Agent: Mr. President, telephone for you. Vorpal: And right in the middle of an important decision. *picks up phone* WASSSSSSSSSUP? Yoshiman: *on telephone* Ow, my ear. Oh, I have news to report. Vorpal: *sigh* can't this wait? I'm deciding what game to play right now. Yoshiman: Umm . . . it seems that Wyoming wasn't replaced after the states were put back together. Vorpal: Don't do anything for now. It's not like anyone's going to notice a couple dozen people missing. Saph: *Who didn't hear Yoshiman, mind you* Err. . . Ditto: Ahh. . . Vorpal: *looking at them* . . . What? Hmmm... Mike Tyson might bite off my ear... but Mr. Dream's just a white version of a black guy... Like fighting Michael Jackson... *shudder* I'll just play Zelda II! Ditto: Ummm... sir. Vorpal: Hmmm... Listen to that music... Sapphire: Vorpal! Vorpal: Don't worry princess; I'll rescue you! Ditto and Saph: *heads get really large and they have fangs* VORPAL! Vorpal: *on the ground, dazed* WHAT? Ditto: The Head Prophet of the Federal Reserve Board, the Great and Powerful Greenspend has summoned you. Vorpal: *in awe* The Prophet of Profit?! He knows all, and sees all the relates to economics. I must heed his call, or plague and pestilence will befall us! Aide: *marching in* Sir. A blind, mysterious soothsayer from an old Shakespearean play is here to see you. Vorpal: Show him in.

In walks the old, blind soothsayer, being led by a boy*

Man: *in a spooky voice* Beware the ides of March! Vorpal: No. Man: In that case... spare a dime? Vorpal: No. Man: Okay... *turns back at the door and points at Vorpal, and speaks in a spooky voice* but you'll regret it! Ignore me, and plague and pestilence shall befall the land! *leaves* Vorpal: Yeah, yeah. Plague and pestilence. Write that down, Ditto. Ditto: Yes sir. Vorpal: Now, which way? Hippie Protestor: *in a Munchkin voice* Follow Pennsylvania Avenue! Another Hippie: *in same high-pitched voice* Follow Pennsylvania Avenue!

Vorpal, Saph, and Ditto skip down Pennsylvania Avenue*

Vorpal: We're... off to see the Wizard, The Financial Wizard of the Federal Reserve Board, He's the most wonderful wizard there is, though he leaves us perpetually bored!

They arrive at the tall, green towers of the Federal Reserve Board. Vorpal knocks on the big, green gate with the dollar sign on it. A guard with a big mustache pops out*

Guard: Who's there?! Vorpal: We're here to see the Wizard of Wallstreet, The Great and Powerful Greenspend. Guard: WHat?! No one sees the Wizard! Not you, not anyone! Even I haven't seen him! You're not gettin' in, not no way, not no how! Vorpal: But... I'm President Vorpal. Guard: Yeah, that’s what they all say. Sapphire: I’m the first Lady in Red… Guard: What?! You're Saph?! The witches' Sapphire? Well! That's a horse of a different ethnic background! Come in, come in! Vorpal: Wha…? Sapphire: The feminine touch.

the gates open, and the three advance down the long, impressive hallway. They enter, and they see a large, green head floating over a mountain of fire. The head, however, has a big nose, wears thick glasses, has a thinning hairline, and speaks in a meek voice*

Wizard: I am Alan Greenspend. The great and powerful. What is your business? Vorpal: I'm President Vorpal. You summoned me- Wizard: Silence! You are President Vorpal, and I have summoned you! I'm going to tell you that I am going to... lower the interest rates! *flames erupt around him* Vorpal: *drops to his knees* No! NOOOOOO! Wait a minute. Why? Wizard: You have no right to question me! Go; bring me the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of New York! Vorpal: No. Wizard: Heh, I was just kidding anyway.

suddenly, Ditto goes off and starts peeking behind a curtain*

Wizard: Hey! You! Get away from there! Er... Pay no attention, to the man behind the curtain! Ditto: Alan Green-spend! Greenspend: *behind the curtain, speaking into a funnel* Well, you found me out. Vorpal: But, why all this fuss? Greenspend: Because no one listens to me any other way, so I have to make big pronouncements of doom. Sapphire: Well, you are somewhat boring. Greenspend: It's not my fault. Economics is boring. Vorpal: Tell me about it. Greenspend: But, you must listen to me! I foresee a terrible economic downturn in the near future. One that will rain plague and pestilence of Biblical proportions down upon us! Ditto: *whispering to Vorpal* Just like that blind soothsayer said when you dissed him. Vorpal: *back to him* Shut up! *to Greenspend* What makes you so sure? Greenspend: I have foreseen it using the latest and most advanced Economic analysis procedures. Vorpal: What's that? Greenspend: I read it in a pile of chicken bones. Vorpal: Prove it. Greenspend: Okay. *brings out a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, and takes out a few bones. He stops to take a bite out a leg, and licks his fingers* Mmm. Finger lickin' good. Sapphire: *rolls eyes* Greenspend: Sorry. *throws the bones on the ground, and they immediately line up to form the words "ECONOMIC DOWNTURN IMMINENT. PLAGUE AND PESTILENCE. ARTICLE CONTINUED IN BUCKET B2." Vorpal: That's bad. Greenspend: That's right. And to avert disaster, I'm going to lower the interest rates. Vorpal: Please, don't. I like high interest rates. Keeps the yuppies down. Greenspan: But... Vorpal: I sense this is somehow my fault,

in background, we see the old soothsayer walking past a window, laughing evilly to himself*

Vorpal: ...and I'll protect the country myself. With the powers... of the Executive Branch! Greenspend: Good luck. May the force be with you. Vorpal: Thanks. You know, you should get a nose job. Greenspend: Grr... *takes out a lightsaber and throws it at Vorpal as he walks out the door. It misses, and he doesn't notice* Ditto: So, Vorpal, how are you going to save the country from the depression? Vorpal: Hmmm...

That night, Vorpal works late in his office. He reads a book on Advanced Economics. Then he reads a book on Beginners Economics. Then he reads the Oxford Dictionary. Then he reads a Marvel Comic.... then, it hits him.*

Vorpal: A depression occurs... when people quit pumping money into the economy! That' it! *works furiously* ~The next day, he strides in to Congress with his bill~ Vorpal: Every one, stop what you're doing! I've got a bill I need passed, immediately. Hellary: Is that... written in crayon? Vorpal: Anyway, vote. Speaker: All in favor?

crickets chirp*

Speaker: All opposed? Everyone: Yaaaaay! Vorpal: Do I have to invoke my "Executive Powers?" *takes out his sword, and fire surrounds him* Vorpal: *in a demonic voice* I want a recount... Everyone: Yaaaay! Vorpal: *puts away the sword and turns normal again. Speaks in a cheery voice* Okay! Vorpal: *Walking away, adjusting his suit lapels* I love this job...

On the South Lawn*

Vorpal: And so, in concurrence with Measure 4203856, I have hereby illegalized the practice of with-holding copious or otherwise unnecessary amounts of federally-recognized tender from the public sector.

Audience gasps*
In Texas, in a trailer in the middle of the oil-fields...*

The Old Man: *spews out his port* What?!

In a tree, with the Keebler Elf sign out front*

Ross Perot: *taking a break from managing the elves to watch TV* He just...

In Silicon Valley*

Bill Gates: Did he say what I think he did?

At the White House, where Vorpal is striding back into his office*

Saph: Do you realize what you just did?! You just... criminalized wealth! Vorpal: Ooops. Ditto: Cool. It's about time. Sapphire: …no comment.

Murasame: Yes, this is the life. With Masamune gone, my industry skyrocketed. I am filthy rich!!! Snipes: Ssssir... your under arresssst Krunk: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT. Murasame: What is the meaning of this? Snipes: Did you not watch CNN? Begin rich isss... illegal. Ssso saysss the Presssident. Krunk: BEING SECURITY GUARDS, IT IS OUR DUTY TO TAKE YOU OFF THE PREMISES AND REPORT YOU TO THE AUTHORITY. Murasame: That Vorpal scum! *flips out of the building* Snipes: *presses com system* Secretary... Alert the polissse we have a fugitive on the run... Hiss... Krunk: THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM THE LAW.

Bad boys, bad boys, What'cha gonna do? What'cha gonna do when they come for you? --COPS-- 10:20 p.m. Hartford, Connecticut Cop: *driving while talking into a camera* Yeah, it's dangerous out here. Thanks to that new law, Connecticut has been declared one of the most dangerous states in America. You see 'em, passing along fur coats, diamonds. Sometimes their just getting together to drink expensive wine and play squash... But you can never be too sure. Look! There's one!

Sees a fat, middle aged white male, on a street corner*

Cop: *gets out* All right, you! Freeze!

The man drops something and begins sprinting away*

Cop: I'd say that the most positive outcome of the new law is... the criminals are a lot easier it catch. *walks calmly over to the guy, who is already out of breath* Well, we got us a Richie. What do we have here? *picks up what the guy dropped* Uh huh. Just as I suspected... *holds it up to the camera wiht a pair of tweezers* Stocks and bonds. Must be over a thousand dollars' worth right there. When will you people learn, happiness is not to be found in a leather portfolio. Man: *gets pushed into the back seat* They're not mine, I tell ya! Cop: *behind the wheel again, driving* Sure, a lot of people say it's a victimless crime. But... you look at these guys in their $500 dollar suits, playing badminton and driving their Crown Victorias... It's just really hard to feel sorry for 'em. --COPS-- ~In a police station~ Chief: Okay, we've drawn up a new sketch of the criminal profile. Usually, the suspect is a white male, aged 45-80, usually with a little gut out front, probably with thinning hair. They seem to be the types most at risk. Of course, we don't want to focus only on the whites. There are increasingly many Asians, too. ~Before a Congressional Hearing~ Wealth Czar: What we're seeing is a 30% decrease in Cotillion activity. This week alone, we raided 1200 debutante balls. Private schools are complaining, of course, and used cars are all the rage. We're seeing a .01% decrease in alcohol consumption, most notably from the Chardonnay and Merlot brands...

In the top secret headquarters of the wealth kingpin. . . Kingpin: I love giving away money! I'm so nice! Cronie: Sir! Bill Gates has been arrested and sentenced the death penalty. Kingpin: Hmm. . . one of my biggest contributors, eh? We'll see about that!

Pushes big button*

Meanwhile in DC. . . FBI guy: Uhh. . . call the pres. We have a problem. CIA guy: *picks up phone* In the Oval office. . . Vorpal: *picks up phone* WASSSSSSUUUP? CIA guy: Ow, my ear. Sir, we have a problem. Vorpal: This isn't about Wyoming, is it? CIA guy: No, sir, I just need to know what to do with all this confiscated moolah. Vorpal: Burn it. We can't use it, can we? CIA guy: Whatever you say. On the TV: TDPJ: Inflation rates have skyrocketed, the dollar now able to buy half a company. In related news, this TV station has now been bought by Mr. . . no, wait, by Mr. . . . hold it. . .This building has been confiscated by the author. .*ftzzzzzzzzzz* Vorpal: Do'h. Ditto: Uhh. . . Vorp, you're being impeached for having wealth. Vorpal: Why me. . . Sapphire: You have to do something! Vorpal: That's right. I got us into this mess, and--

[the phone rings]

Ditto: I'll get it... hello? Laura Bush: Mr... um, president, I would like ta' know what izz the meanin' of this new law. Outlawin' money, for cryin' out loud. Mah poor Georgie's off in jail. How could ya do that? What were ya'll THINKIN? Ditto: Ditto. Laura Bush: What? You agree with me? Ditto: No, I mean I'm not the president. I'm Ditto. Laura Bush: Oh. Anyway, see too it that you inform Mr. Vorpal that he has not heard the last from the Bush family! [line goes dead] Sapphire: Who was it? Ditto: I think that was Dubya's wife... Vorpal: What did she want? Ditto: Oh, to say that we haven't heard the last from the Bush family. Sapphire: Gee, I think they're REALLY mad, no? Being that they're one of the richest-- Vorpal: Ah..heh.. *sweat* And? Ditto: ... Vorpal: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! Another threat letter!!! Ditto: Is it as bad as the other one? Sapphire: Are people demanding for less veggies? Vorpal: Actually, no, but they want me to meet their leader...no weapons...If I don't, then, "the Nintendo VGF characters get it". What could that mean? Ditto: Um,...PWD and Rocky. Sapphire: I forgot about PWD, but Rocky,... Vorpal: Hey, where IS Rocky? Rocky comes in the room with a paper. Rocky- Vorpal, strange thing come in, zoom, and it bad, ding, for all us. Vorpal:...You sound like Mr. Saturn. Mr. Saturn- WhAt ThAt, BoInG? YoU bRiNg BuRdEn, ZoOm? FrOm TeRrOrIsTs, DInG, dInG?! Rocky- No. It from human! Mr. Saturn- HuMaN, ZoOm? It KaY-o WiTh Me! DiNg, DiNg! KaY-o WiTh YoU, Vorpal, BoInG? Vorpal:...Uh,...yeah..."BoInG"? Mr. Saturn- KaY-o. YoU eNtEr. Rocky- Letter say: Dear Mr. President, We know your weak point. Or, should we say, "weak points"? You hate being tickled. You hate veggies. You hate school. You hate homework. You hate Terrorists. You hate etc.! We know where you live, you mistake for a...thing! Soon, all will be impaled with terror from us! That includes you, Ditto McCloaker! You will fall and we will rise! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...etc. Vorpal: Does it really say, "etc."? Rocky- Yeah. Vorpal: That guy must still be laughing... Sapphire: …I still don’t get it. Ditto: Well,...maybe we need some kind of army. Vorpal: Of what? Humans? Ditto: Basically. Vorpal: What if the Terrorists have magic people? Or black mages? Or ghosts? Ditto: Impossible! Unless...the enemy is from a game system... Vorpal: Nintendo? Sapphire: *sarcastically* Gee, I’m really scared now. Rocky-...*whimper*... Mr. Saturn- YoU wRoNg, Vorpal, DiNg! ZoOm, EnEmY fRoM SEGA!!! BoInG, SEGA hAs LoT oF aRmY, zOoM, nOt BiG lIkE NINTENDO's aRmY, dInG!! Vorpal: Oh, yeah,...Nintendo is on our side. But my impeachment trial is tomorrow. Ditto: Not anymore. Vorpal: What? Ditto: All the Supreme Court judges and all of Congress and the House of Representatives are being convicted of owning wealth. Vorpal: Haha! I knew things would work out! Ditto: And the voting population is down to 212 people. Vorpal: What? Ditto: Only a few homeless people couldn't be convicted of wealth. Vorpal: I sense corruption. Who's convicting them? Ditto: *opens mouth, then closes it* Sapphire: … Ditto. Vorpal: I NEED TO RETRACT THAT ARTICLE! Ditto: But. . . there are only 212 people left to even fill up congress, and they wouldn't agree with what you say anyway! Vorpal: Then let's REWRITE THE CONSTITUTION! Ditto: What? Saph: But the Attorney General is in charge of enforcing law! Vorpal, Ditto, and PWD: Mr. Predict!?!?!? Ditto: But he was arrested six hours ago. PWD: By whom? Vorpal: This is getting insanely weird.

Dodo's theme starts playing*

Dodo: Perhaps you will need -my- help? Vorpal: How can you help? Dodo: I am Secretary of Education, I can influence the children of the world to grow and be poor. Within thirty years we can be functional. Masamune: WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME! *walks in* Ok, Rich people are in jail, War is brewing since Japanese Dignitaries were arrested. There is a solution... Vorpal: What is that? We can't change the law! Masamune: Oh ho ho! But until we get Congress back, we certainly -can- bend it. A factory can be bought for a mere two dollars, correct? Well by backing the single dollar bill up, it becomes equivalent of a few million. Ditto: So if we backup the money more, then the rich people will use small bills and won't seem rich... hmm... Masamune: Exactly! And once we get Congress back, we can change the law back to normal. Vorpal: That's just crazy enough to work! Masamune: *steps over to paper shredder* Keep a five dollar bill and put the rest in here.

They all through tears and sadness get rid of all there money*

Vorpal: How do we pass the bill to backup money? Ditto: Well, Poor people in congress won't be against the idea. Just as long as they don't realize our objective.

Algore: That... was... beautiful... *sniff* ~Meanwhile, the terror continues...~ Trump Card: I gotta get rid o' this money! *begins shoveling it out into the street* Wait! I have an idea! *dials up Dominoes Pizza* Send me two Big New Yorkers! Dominoes: That will be your life savings and your first born son. Your order should be ready sometime around the start of the next Millenium. Trump Card: Whew! I'm poor! Stock Broker: Sir, your stock just went up 200 points. Trump Card: NOOOOOOOO! I'm ruined! *jumps out the window of his penthouse, only to land comfortably on a big pile of his own money, next to Bill Gates* Bill: Doesn't work, does it? ~Meanwhile, at the IRS HQ...~ Chief: I can't bear this. People's incomes are sharply increasing. We can't possibly figure out how much tax anyone owes! I give up!!! Boys, looks like our looting and sacking days are over.

They all set down their pitchforks and torches, and lay their Viking helmets over their chests...*

~Meanwhile~ That Delightful Peter Jennings: And so, with everyone looking to empty their bank accounts, putting money into worthless stocks. Stocks of all kind are going up. In the last 10 minutes alone, "Consolidated Hog Lips" went up 300 points. Money is literally littering the streets, reminding this reporter of New Year's Day. Money is being poured into charities very quickly, and this is the result...

Shows a family in a formerly hunger-plagued country*

Kid: *groan* No... I can't eat any more... Woman: Someone call Jenny Craig! Father: *wearing a fancy suit and tie* We only wanted water and sugar! Now look at us! I don't even like Armanis! I just want my loincloth! Peter Jennings: And there you have it. For some, the results are tragic. The American Dream has become a nightmare. On the up side, the economy is going into paroxysms of ecstasy. It looks like President Vorpal has saved us from the Depression. ~And yet... in Washington...~ [at this time, punch in www. midi.seastar.net/midi/disney/zorro.mid for appropriate music]

High above, the moon is full. A figure on a jet black Limosine rides up, wearing a black cape, black clothing, a mask over his eyes, and a... cowboy hat?

~The masked renegade rides into Washington D.C. and climbs over the gate. He sneaks around behind the White House, and sneaks to the window of the Oval Office, where Vorpal is working late. He quietly enters and holds his sword to Vorpal's back. ~ Masked Man: Give me your money! Vorpal: Never! *draws out his sword, and charges. The masked man cracks his whip and knocks it out of his hand. The masked man puts his sword to Vorpal's neck* Vorpal: Ack! Masked Man: For years, the wealthy have been exploitified by you powerful middle class people! Being forced to give you quality consumer goods at fair prices, and appearing on "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous," while your dogs poop in their well-kept lawns, and you make ridiculous soap-operas about their lives. Well, no more. I will returnify their money goes back to them. Your oppressionism is at it's... going to end. Vorpal: Are you... Zorro? Masked Man: No...

He carves a 'W' in Vorpal's suit, grabs some money, and hops out of the window. He leaps into his waiting black Limo and heads for the wall. Of course, he forgets that it's not a horse and cannot jump. He crashes into the wall. He staggers out, and then scrambles over the wall...

Chorus: Out of old Texas, Driving a Lexus, Comes the Republican known as "Dubya." This bold, renegade carves a W with his blade... A 'W' that stands for "Dubya..." Dubya! His mind, so vacant and free, Dubya! Shouldn't he be making a 'Z'? Dubya...! Dubya...! Dubya...!

In the White House, Rocky, Vorpal's pet rock, suddenly goes berserk. Rocky- Nooooooooooooo! All these horrible months of having to require proper attire for meetings has made me go completely insane! The humanity of never being noticed hasn't bothered me, but now, Mrs. Sapphire thinks I'm cute in this diamond rock attire!! How the heck can it get worse?! PWD- Did I mention that Kuja, from the Playstation game "Final Fantasy IX", is on the Terrorist side? Rocky-...Okay, NOW it JUST got WORSE!!!!! PWD- Hey, look on the bright side; we have Jeff Andonuts on our team. Rocky- The genius from EarthBound? What about him? PWD- Well, he can make the ultimate weapon within a few minutes. Rocky-...And this will help...? PWD- He didn't say what it would help, but he said that Nintendo will defeat the enemy. Rocky-...Shouldn't you tell my owner, Vorpal? PWD- You do it. I have more important things to do. Rocky- Like what? PWD- For one, the human energies have been getting too high from lack of spinach. Rocky-....And that's bad? PWD- Claro que si! Rocky- "Of course"? PWD- Didn't you take Spanish? Rocky- No. PWD-...Just tell Mr. Vorpal.

Sapphire: Drat, I lost! Ditto: What are you playing? Sapphire: Mario Tennis on GBC. Suddenly, Rocky runs into the room. Rocky- Good news! Sapphire: *sarcasm* Awwww, isn't he cute? Rocky-...Um,...yeah...anyway, Jeff Andonuts... Ditto: That weird kid from EarthBound? Mr. Saturn- HeY, hE hEaRd ThAt, ZoOm! Ditto:... Rocky- Jeff Andonuts is making the ultimate weapon to destroy the terrorists. Sapphire: *playing game* That’s nice. Ditto: Did you consider telling Vorpal? Rocky- Yeah, I did, but he isn't here, and I noticed that YOU have a cell phone... Ditto: And you want me to call him up to tell him? Rocky- Well, it would help us.

A rare intro to a Vorpal cabinet meeting: Vorpal: Hello, cereal, and I haven't forgot about you, Vanilla Wafers. No not that kind of cabinet meeting, this kind:

Vorpal: Okay, we'll do a round about report, oh, and Mr. Predict couldn't make it, he's busy trying to fix the "money problem" from his jail cell. Everyone groans in discomfort. Vorpal: Well, I'll go first. I got a new tie! K, PWD? PWD- Well, um, human energy isn't up to standard, so we have to eliminate the fat lazy ones. KirbyBoy2000: Hey, isn't he supposed to do stuff that have to do with electrical energy? PWD- Hey, I don't tell you how to do your job, KirbyBoy! Vorpal: Yeah, what is your job? KB: I'm the Secretary of Commerce! Vorpal: I know, but what is your job? KB: ~sigh~ Nazz64: I'd like to add something to PWD's report. Vorpal: Ah, yes, Labor Secretary Nazz, go ahead. Nazz: Well, I think we should eliminate all lazy people as well. Maybe give them to Japan or something. MagiKoopa: All right! Vorpal: Treasurer MagiKoopa, we all know you're a hard working individual. Magi: But for the chance to go to Japan . . . Vorpal: Um, I'll write up a bill to send all people to Cuba, thank you, Nazz, PWD. Magi: Rats! Vorpal: Yes, well, um Agriculture Secretary DVGBC, what is going on the Agriculture front? DVGBC: I can't work like this! I need Wyoming! Vorpal: Um, yes, well how about you Fuzzball? FB: Well, I've gotten rid of all Health and Human Services, so I'll have enough time to play video games! Vorpal: You did WHAT!?!?!? I hope your report isn't as bad Wrange Tirk's, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. WT: What is this "Housing and Urban Development" you speak of? Vorpal: ~sigh~ what about you Yoshiman? YM: Well, I redecorated the Oval Office. Vorpal: Interior Secretary doesn't mean the interior of the White House! It means relations between states and stuff like that! Anyway that’s Saph’s job. YM: Oh, you meant about my job, well, I think we accidentally gave Wyoming to France. Tom Bodet: They're demanding we take it back. Vorpal: Ughh, this is tougher that I thought.

Masamune's theme song is heard*

Masamune: Seems you have a cabinet problem... Vorpal: Yes, Ditto and I don't have enough time to get them in line! Masamune: Looks like you need a Secretary of the Cabinet, hmm? Vorpal: Where will we get one of those? Masamune: *frowns* Think long and hard... Vorpal: You!? Don't make me laugh, what makes you think I'd let you control them!? Masamune: Well, I did get more votes, could have made you lose the war, helped the terrorists destroy you and I happen to have a rare gold DK tie I'm willing to give up... Vorpal: You got yourself a deal! Sapphire: You *what*? Vorpal: ..let Masamune help out with the cabinet. Besides *grins* I got a gold DK tie! Ditto: Uh, no. Vorpal: But there isn't anything else going on. The world's problems are solved, right? Ditto: Are you forgetting the recent events? Vorpal: Probably. Sapphire: Well, I've redecorated the White House. Yoshiman didn't do too well of a job... Vorpal: You were discussing my plan of bringing Masamune in. Sapphire: Oh yes! You cannot get new cabinet members without the senate. So we'll have to get them to review him. Ditto: But aren't the senators in jail? Sapphire: Oh yeah. Looks like you'll have to get them out, Vorpal. But I don't trust Masa. I think he's still trying to foil us from within..

At Masa and Mura's HQ.. Murasame: Why is she always so suspicious?! You had better make this work, Masa. Masamune: I assure you, I have it all under control... *cue cynical laughter* ... make what work? Murasame: Grr... Ok, you stay here... I'll go. I am your twin; they won't know the difference. Just have to dye my hair color! Masamune: Dodo will know! Murasame: Oh drat, well I suppose instead of winging it, we'll have to come up with a plan. Masamune: Shame we split paths already... I go an idea; how about I work my way to resolving the entire Money problem? Murasame: That could work, then I can continue my plan to lower gas prices!

The evil blind prophet who cursed Vorpal's Administration walks in*

EBP: He he hee! It'll never work! You can't stop the economic downturn I have forecast! Soon, plague and pest- Yoshiman: Yeah, yeah, we know the drill. Plague and pestilence will rain down upon us. EBP: Why, you...! *walks to the door, than turns, points at Yoshiman* You will regret this! Yoshiman: *reads the caption above him* "Points at me?!" Hey! You're not blind! Evil Not-Really-Blind Prophet: Ooops. Yoshiman: Cut his Disability check. ENRBP: Nooo!! Not my precious check! I'm old and decrepit! It's the only thing keeping me alive! Yoshiman: Well, you should have thought of that before, huh?

The Evil Prophet starves to death on the spot, and turns to a pile of bones right there on the sidewalk*

Yoshiman: *coldly* Next time... vote Democrat. *Walks back into the White House* Well, the curse is broken, so, technically, it's now possible for us to save the economy. Sapphire: Now, we just inflate the dollar bill until the cabinet's no longer poor. Ditto: Hey, I just thought of something. Vorpal: *puts his arm around him* See? That's why I hired him. He does this all the time! What's your idea? Ditto: With the sole ability to determine the value of legal tender, we can harness the power of the almighty dollar. Therefore, the future of each Representative and Senator lies in our hands. Ladies and Gentlemen, it appears the Sword of Damocles is hanging over their heads, and we're holding it. Vorpal: In English? Ditto: We hold the political Lamp of Aladdin in our grasp, with unlimited wishes. Vorpal: I don't understand. Ditto: We have absolute say in what the Legislative Branch agrees to. Vorpal: Buh? Ditto: We say. They do. Vorpal: *suddenly eloquent* Ah, I understand. Since we hold complete control over the fate of Congress, we currently have the capacity to get them to do anything we want. Machiavellian in it's simplicity! Ditto: You say good...ly. Sapphire: So, guys... what shall we do?

Masamune walks in*

Masamune: I have my own plans... Let's legalize Education. Vorpal: Umm... it is legal. Masamune: Err... make it illegal? Ditto: What would that do? Masamune: Fine, let's redo all the money and coins with our faces on it! Vorpal: Now your talking!

Ditto panics and takes out photographs of all his past forms*

Ditto: *panic* Which one...?! Hmmm... French chef? French fry? Auugh! Sapphire: *to a mirror* What's say, guys? Front? Or profile? Vorpal: I look sorta like that new Abraham Lincoln dollar... Lincoln's Ghost: Give me a break... Vorpal: Now, wait, do I use my Vorpal form, or my presidential form? Ditto: Are trying to copy off me? Vorpal: No! No . . . no . . . well, yes. Masamune: You losers... I look good no matter what I'm in... *slides over a picture of him at Disney Land with a goofy hat on* Vorpal: Umm... you got one with no background? Masamune: Well... I have the Other Country currency with my portrait on it still. Ditto: That had their own currency? *blink* Masamune: Uhh so? Anyway, That is the picture I will use! Vorpal: Hey, if MagiKoopa is the sec. of Treasury, shouldn't he get a bill of his own?

everyone stares blankly*

All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hahahha! Sapphire: Or maybe I should pose as "The Lady in Red"... that way, I can be the first lady on money! Vorpal: Wait a minute, hold it, it's only the president that gets to go on the currency. So I know! It can be various shots of me, and then I won't have to choose! All: *sweat* Ditto: *whisper* You can enforce your _own_ rules, Vorp.

Later in PWD's office Rocky- Hey, did you notice that President Vorpal hasn't come down to our offices and said, "Keep up the good work!" or, "HEY! Get to work!" or, "Hey, that looks like fun! Let me try!" or, "Ooooooooooo! DK ties!"? PWD- Now that you mention it... Mr. Saturn- MuSt MaKe! DaDdY! DoInG! KirbyBoy: Who's he? Rocky- He's Mr. Saturn. KirbyBoy:...And his purpose is...? PWD- To be our security guard. KirbyBoy:...Weird. And you're doing that wrong, PWD. You're supposed to do reports on electricity energy and stuff. PWD- Hey! I don't tell you how do to YOUR job!! KirbyBoy: Sorry! Sheesh... Rocky- Besides, Plasma Wisp is a good source of "electric energy". KirbyBoy: Who? Rocky- *sigh* Nevermind. You're not a Nintendo character, so you don't know any names... PWD- Will you guys be quiet and let me get this report finished?! Ditto McCloaker was mad at a CERTAIN somebody for not doing their job right. Rocky- And that was...? PWD- Sheesh! Don't you remember?! It was LinkMan, the sec. of Transportation!! Rocky- Oh, him. I haven't seen him here lately. PWD- Hey, where's Miss Sapphire? She was supposed to come here and comment you on your cute looks an hour ago. Rocky- Hey, that's right... Suddenly, they all hear Masamune and Dodo talking about something "double important". PWD- They're talking about human children education... Rocky- But why humans? Why not rocks? KirbyBoy: If they were teaching rocks, they'd be nuts. Rocky- HEY!

Linkman bursts through doors*

Linkman: Sorry I was late. Stuck in traffic. PWD: For two weeks straight? Linkman: Yes, you see, that's why I need to start working right now. PWD- But your office is over there! This is MY office! See the sign? "Sec. of Energy"! That makes it mine! MINE!! LinkMan: Geez! Sorry, you stupid... PWD- I'm going to tell on you! KirbyBoy: You're both maniacs. Rocky- No, Linkman AND KirbyBoy are maniacs! PWD- Yeah! We're doing our job, so there! *sticks out tongue* Man, I can't work with out Vorpal yelling at me to start working . . . Vorpal: *opens door* Get to work! *slams door* PWD- I feel satisfied! Rocky- I feel rejected . . . PWD- Rocky, how can you feel rejected?? You're President Vorpal's pet rock!! Rocky- Well,....I shouldn't tell you, anyway. *cough* PWD-....Rocky,.....why didn't you tell President Vorpal you could cough up diamonds??? You would've been of good use, too. Rocky- He's only interested in D.K. ties. If only he knew that diamonds could buy a whole lot of D.K. ties...*sigh*...*cough* PWD- That's a ruby, not a diamond. Rocky- I don't give a crud to what it is!!! All I want is attention and...*cough* PWD- An emerald??? Rocky-...Ugh...this is starting to hurt me....*cough* PWD- A sapphire?? Okay, this is getting weird. Rocky- I'm *cough* leaving to show *cough* my master *cough* what I can *cough* do! PWD- You should take all of these with you, too. I'm going back to work. Rocky-....*cough* Rocky leaves. PWD looks at his work, unsatisfied. PWD- I only did five hundred pages of my Energy Report in one minute...and this...this isn't enough...Maybe I should write more...YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The other secretaries stare in wonder at PWD as he writes at the speed of light. LinkMan: How does he do that?? PWD- Pure energy, LinkMan! It's pure energy!!!

Vorpal: Something's wrong... Ditto: What's wrong?? Sapphire: Did you forget to buy a D.K. tie? Vorpal: No, no, no,....I can't quite explain it... Suddenly, Rocky bursts through the door. Rocky- *HicCOUGH* Vorpal: Uh,.... Ditto: Did I see him do what I thought he did? Sapphire: He just...coughed up...a diamond! Rocky- Master, *HicCOUGH* I thought you might *HICCOUGH* want to know what I *HICCOUGGGHHH* can do!!! *HIIIIICCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH* Vorpal:...This...is...weird. Ditto: So? Aren't all OGs weird?? Vorpal: No, but... Sapphire: I never knew he could do that...

Vorpal goes before Congress to prepare to legalize wealth. Ditto, however, has one last thing in mind...*

Vorpal: And now, I would like to propose Bill Number 43... Ditto: Just a second! *checks his watch* Oh goody! *summons PWD* Deeson! You there! Put me through to Winter Park Prison, in Florida... Get me Charlene Closshey. PWD: Yessir! Vorpal: What is this? Ditto: *shushes him* She's on death row for possession of wealth. Vorpal: How do you know?' Ditto: Because... I'm the one who put her on the FBI 10 Most Wanted List! *evil grin* *back to aide* They should be leading her down the hall right now. Have them put me through to her. Tell her it's the Vice President of the United States, and it's about a possible pardon! PWD: OK. *does so* Okay, here you go. ~In the prison~ C.C.: Oh, thank God- Ditto: *on other end* Pththththbbbbt! *hangs up* ~Back in the White House~ Ditto: Hahahaha! Okay, Vorpal! Now you can. Sapphire: Who was that? Ditto: Oh, just some annoying snot back in Florida. PWD: Not only an abuse of power, wasn't that also a cheap, uncouth, thing, concerning some personal, real-life vendetta of yours, having nothing to do with this story? Ditto: Wow. I'm really... not concerned. Vorpal: In any case, I would now like to legalize wealth again. All in favor? Congress: Yay! Vorpal: All opposed?

crickets chirp*

Speaker of House: Bill passed. Vorpal: Back to normalcy! Masamune: *sidling up* Good. Now... what about my new job?

Ditto drags Vorpal into a huddle. Finally, they break*

Vorpal: Sure, Ditto. I'll let you handle this one- Ditto: Okay, Masa! I, uh, that is, we have just the position for you! Masamune: Oh, Goody! Ditto: Right this way. *leads Masa to an office* As you can see, this has a beautiful view of the East Lawn and it's right next to the President's own Office! Masa: Well, it's about time I was shown some respect around here. Ditto: I'll leave you to your work. Good to have you aboard! *leaves* Masa: Now... let's see. Just what job is this? *looks in drawer for the sign to put on the door* This is the... lesse... *gasps* OFFICE OF FAITH-BASED INITIATIVES?! ~ opens blinds to see hundreds of crazed mobs standing outside his window brandishing torches and pitchforks ~

Ditto stands outside the office listening*

Masamune: *from within* NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DITTOOOO! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIIS!

Ditto puts his pinky up to his mouth, a la 'Dr. Evil.'

~ Back in Oval Office, they talk despite the horrible screams coming from the next office ~ Vorpal: Looks like... the California Energy Crisis. Ditto, I'm putting you in charge of that one. Ditto: Why me? Vorpal: Because the paper said so. *Holds up paper that says "President Puts Vice President in Charge of California Energy Crisis"* Ditto: Hey! That's a paper from the real world! Vorpal: But it's also The New Yorker. Ditto: Well, it's always right... Okay. Well, let's see... Energy crisis... I guess that would be the field of... Secretary of Energy P. W. Deeson.

Ditto opens the door to PWD's office*

Ditto: DEESON! PWD: Yikes! Yessir! Why do you call me that? Ditto: Sounds more professional. Now, where was I? Oh yes... DEESON! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?! PWD: Y-yessir. It's a newspaper. Ditto: Uh-huh. And what does it say, Deeson? PWD: *puts on one-lens reading glasses* Ummm... "Energy Crisis Plagues West Coast." Ditto: Right... CARE TO EXPLAIN WHY THIS IS?!?!

marches threateningly into the room as PWD meekly uses his umbrella to shield himself from the fury*

~Meanwhile~ Vorpal: Now... to be Presidential. What will my next issue be? Sapphire: Let's pick one. PWD- Vice President Ditto McCloaker, this is due to...*reads paper again*...the junk food the humans have been eating...I think they should cut back on fatty foods and start eating healthier foods. That is why the foolish humans from the place called "California" got sugar-high. Now,...PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ditto: "Junk food", eh? I'd better tell Vorpal about this...*leaves the room* PWD- *still raises parasol*....I thought he would put the entire White House on fire with his fury...but I guess he didn't.... Screams are heard a few fifty offices away. PWD- Oh, that's just the Sec. of Faith Based Initiatives....wait, who is the Sec. of Faith Based Initiatives??? Boy, would I hate to be in HIS shoes!

Vorpal: Ditto, did you solve the problem? Ditto: It was due to junk food. They should really cut back on the fatty foods. Vorpal: Really? Wow! Okay, California is now officially banned from eating junk foods... Sapphire: First vegetables, now junk foods…do you want us all to become cannibals? Rocky- *HICCCCCOOOOOUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!*

Ditto: Not now, can't you see we're busy? Rocky: Yike! Sorry! *HICCOUGH* Vorpal: Wait a second! What is that? Rocky: A diamond. Ditto: Where did you get that? Rocky: I cough up precious minerals. *HICCOUGH*! ~ A blue gem pops out ~ Vorpal: WOW! The raccoon that coughed up the golden egg! We can reduce the national debt! Ditto: We can do more than that... Rocky! Can you cough up any mineral? Rocky: Pretty much, I guess... Ditto: What about... uranium? Rocky: In theory, yes. Vorpal: *looks dramatically* Do you realize what this means? Rocky: ??? Ditto: Well? Vorpal: ... It means, we can solve the California energy crisis! We have an unlimited supply of uranium! We won't have to drill in Alaska! Ditto: Brilliant! *turns to Rocky* Okay! Make with the radiation rocks! Rocky: But... I might get radiation poison! Ditto: *turns his back on him* And here I thought you cared about your country. Rocky: Sorry! *HICCOUGH* *coughs up some uranium* Vorpal: OOh! They're so... warm! *rubs a rock against his face* Ditto: Uh, Vorp. That's... not a good idea! Vorpal: I'm gonna use this one as a night-light!

In the offices... PWD- Wahahahahaha! I am faster than ANY of you! Seeseesee! Icanwritefaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssstttttteeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!! Hahahahahaha! Looklooklook! Icanwritefasterthanyouandyoucan'tdoanythingaboutitandI'mgoingtobethefirstonetohavea5000pagelongreportonENERGY!!!!!!!!! KirbyBoy: And he called me strange... Yoshiman: Did you see him drink any coffee at all?? KirbyBoy: No. Mr. Predict: Did you see him drink any expresso?? KirbyBoy: No. Dodo: Did you see him eat any sugar? I've been in this situation with Valentina. She gulped down too much sugar. KirbyBoy: Actually, yes. I saw him eat some sugar and now....Now he's insane. Dodo: Wait! Where did he GET the sugar??? KirbyBoy: His parasol. Dodo: This...can't be good...

Ditto: Come on, Rocky! Cough up some more Uranium! Rocky- *HICCOUGHHICCOUGHHICCOUGHHICCOUGHHICCOUGHHICCOUGHHICCOUGHHICCOUGHHICCOUGHHICCOUGHHICCOUGHHICCOUGH*........At least I'm noticed.... Sapphire: Uh, Ditto? Ditto: What? Sapphire: Rocky might run out of Uranium. Ditto: No he won't! Hey, Rocky! Rocky- *looks up from huge Uranium rocks* Huh?? Is that you, Mom?? Is that you, greatgrandrock Rocky? The tunnel...am I going to find light at the end?? Yes?? Oooooooo....I don't feel so hot... Sapphire:....*sweatdrop* I think you're pushing him too hard. Ditto: Nonsense! Rocky! Rocky- Huh? Oh, Mr. Ditto McCloaker, I think the Uranium rock is stuck...I've been trying to cough it up, but I can't.... Ditto: *kicks Rocky where his stomach should be* Did that help? It didn't help my foot... Sapphire: *cringes* Rocky- *HIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCCOUGH!!!!!!!!* Vorpal: Let's see....5001, 5002, 5003, 5004, 5005, 5006, 5007, 5008, 5009, 5010, 5011, 5012, 5013, 5014,...We need more. Rocky- But I don't think my body can take a hundred more Uranium rocks!! Ditto: Just try! Rocky- UGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! *HIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCOUGURGLE!* Rocky spits out a Uranium rock that nearly takes up the whole room. Vorpal: ! Ditto: Whoa...that's...HUGE!!!!!!!! Sapphire: I… can't move.... Vorpal: Well, there's all the uranium we'll need! Rocky- I don't feel so well . . . Ditto: Walk it off. Rocky- O . . . okay. *walks off* Saph: I think you guys were just using him. Vorpal: So? Saph: Point taken. Later. . . Vorpal: Well, I think I'm doing a pretty good job. Ditto: Yeah. MagiKoopa: *Runs in* Hey, I got rid of the US Treasury. Vorpal: WHAT! Magi: Yeah, well, no one told me wealth was legal again. I was afraid I was gonna get arrested. Ditto: So where is the money? Magi: I uh, spent it all. Vorpal: On what? Magi: I bought Japan! Vorpal: Well this is just great. Ditto: So what do we do? Vorpal: I shall go to Japan and fix this deal. Ditto: Are you sure you can do this on your own? Vorpal: Yeah, prepare Air Force One!

Ditto hands him a charred piece of propeller*

Vorpal: What is this? Ditto: Air Force One. What's left of it. It got smashed, remember? Vorpal: Not if we decide to put the attack on England near the end of the story in the final cut! Ditto: Not a bad idea! Vorpal: *sits calmly behind his desk* Well, people, it looks a trip to Japan... Ditto: *looks complacent* Yeah... Magikoopa: *looks uninterested* Yup. Vorpal: Uh-huh... Oool' Japan. Ditto: Yup. Magikoopa: Nippon.

they sit in silence for, maybe a minute*

Vorpal: ALL RIGHT! JAPAAAAAN! Ditto: YYYAAAAAAHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOO! Magikoopa: WA-HAAAAA! *sings* WE'RE GOIN' TO JAPAAAAN! WE'RE GOIN' TO JAPAAAAAN!

They all dance around inside the office, doing the arm-link switch-off dance, kicking up their heels, causing the floor to rock*

Vorpal: Whew! Okay... see you later! *goes to Air Force One, climbs the stairs, stops at the top to turn and wave, then goes in and slams the door* Magi: *face falls* What? Ditto: WHAT ABOUT US?!?!

run to the plane and begin pounding on the door*

Vorpal: *Sweat* oops. Got too caught up in the moment... *opens door* Ditto and Magikoopa rush in, panting. Magikoopa: Well what are we waiting for? It's onwards to Japan! Sapphire: But wait, you can't all go. Vorpal: *Confused* what do you mean? Sapphire: Well first, the president and vice president can't go on the same plane, secondly, who is going to run the country in your absence? ???1: Oh, we'll do that. ???2: Don't mind us. Vorpal: *narrows eyes* And who are you? ???1: Uh... *whispers in the other persons ear* I told you this wouldn't work, Murasame! ???2: Well Masa, any other bright ideas for gaining control of the country? all: *sweat* Vorpal: Well anyway, good point Saph. Sorry, Ditto, you'll have to stay. Ditto: Wha--? Ditto: *high-pitched squeak* Whaaaaaaaat? ~The world around Ditto goes up in a puff of smoke, and in the background, all that's left is a bleak wasteland. (This is all symbolic of course...)~ Magi: *walks over, pats Ditto on his shoulder consolingly* Don't worry, old buddy. This is just gonna be a business trip anyway. We won't be having any actual fun. Vorpal: Yeah that’s right. It'll just be a few boring conferences, tons of bureaucratic paperwork, and we'll be back right after. ~Magi and Vorpal enter Air Force One. They slam the door, and immediately we party music pounding from within~ Ditto: *cries* ~The plane takes off, and, looking through the window, Ditto sees Vorpal and MagiKoopa dancing and eating pizza~

Heard from within*

MagiKoopa: *singing along* They-were Kung-Fu Fi-ghting! Vorpal: They were fast as light-ning! ~plane takes off, and heads into a sunset that looks exactly like the Japanese flag~ Magi: *Voice diminishing into the distance* This is the best day of my life...! ~Later that day, Ditto sits in the Oval Office, staring blankly ahead~ PWD: *peeking timidly in the door* Mr. Vice President, would you sign this bill for- Ditto: *staring straight ahead, in a deadpan voice* Sure.

signs the bill while still looking straight ahead*

~Sgt. Flutter peeks head in doorway~ Flutter: A small, defenseless, neutral, agricultural nation refuses to pay homage to the U.S. Shall we drop bombs on them? Ditto: Sure. PWD: A-are you okay, sir? Ditto: *stares straight ahead* Sure. PWD: Are you sure? Ditto: Sure. PWD: Really? Ditto: Sure. PWD: You're not bothered at all? Ditto: Sure. PWD: Say something besides SURE! Ditto: *sings softly to himself* They-were-Kung-Fu-Fight-ing... Sapphire: *peeking in* Poor guy. What do we do now?

Vorpal: This is cool! Magi: Tell me about it! Man: Mr. President, Mr. Secretary, I hope your both comfortable. Vorpal: Quite, Mr. uh . . . Man: Cooper. Vorpal: Ah, Mr. Cooper, thank you. Mr. Cooper starts to walk away and he starts to laugh diabolically. Magi: Was that diabolical laughter? Vorpal: Hey, you're right I'd notice that from anywhere! Cooper: Sorry, uh I got a cold, yeah. Vorpal: Oh, okay. Several hours later . . . Magi: Ugh, I think I drank one too many Dr. Peppers. Vorpal: Hmm, I wonder where we are. Vorpal looks out the window to see a vast desert. Vorpal: Mr. Cooper, where are we? Cooper: Over the Sahara. Vorpal: Over the, wait, I'm supposed to be in Japan. Back in the States . . .

A secret serviceman walks quickly into the room where Sapphire and Sarge are chatting*

Serviceman: First Lady Sapphire, Sgt, I have some... bad news. Sapphire: Yes? Serviceman: Back in the radar room, just five minutes ago, we lost contact with Air Force One on the radio. Sapphire: What are you saying...? Serviceman: I'm afraid... that we don't know where the President is.

They sit in stunned silence*

Sgt. Flutter: ...What do we do? Sapphire: We must inform Vice President Ditto.

They go to the Oval Office. Sapphire peeks in*

Sapphire: Ditto? Urgent news, it seems- huh?

Peeking in, she sees the desk empty. Walking in, she realizes Ditto is not there*

Sapphire: Ditto? PWD: *peeking in* Where is he? Sapphire: Don't tell me both the President and the Vice President are missing...! Voices in Background: Woohoo! Jackpot! Sapphire: Oh, shut up, you two. PWD: Who were they? Sapphire: Speaker of the House and President Pro Tempore of the Senate. The second and third in line after the President. Sgt: Who are the House Speaker and Senate President... whatever?

hear Masamune and Murasame high-fiving each other*

Sapphire: Two guesses. Anyway, we gotta find Ditto! Sgt. Flutter: *feels chair* Hmmm... still warm. He can't have gotten far.

They search the White House from top to bottom, not finding him. They check the East, West, North and South lawns. No Ditto. Finally*

Sgt: *puff, puff* Can't... find him.

Sapphire looks up at the night sky. Suddenly, her eyes open wide*

Sapphire: WAIT! I HAVE IT! FOLLOW ME!

grabs Sgt. Flutter and PWD and runs frantically down the road to...*

~ Scene: U.S. Naval Observatory ~ Sapphire: The Vice President's residence! PWD: Hey, that rhymes. Flutter: Look! *points at a table littered with little colored capsules* Sapphire: Oh my God...!

They run up the stairs to find it darkened. However, a light is seen under the bedroom door*

Sapphire: In there!

They burst in and gasp at the sight. Ditto is lying on his unmade bed, with a few days stubble on his face. The room is dark except the TV is on. PWD goes over and looks at it*

PWD: It's... anime! He was so depressed; he committed suicide watching anime! Flutter: *screams* Oh my God! He's dead! Ditto: ...No I'm not. Flutter: EEK! *passes out*

PWD investigates. The movie is Kiki's Delivery Service, set on 'Loop.'*

PWD: My God, it's worse than we thought... Ditto: *ignoring him* I was kinda depressed, so I finished up my paperwork early and came back here to watch this. We've been so busy; I haven't had a chance to watch this since the campaign. It's optimistic, struggle-against-adversity, message and wonderful art make me feel better. Sapphire: What about these? *holds out colored things* Ditto: M & M's. *looks around critically at everyone* Hey, I gotta eat too. So, what's up? Sapphire: It's President Vorpal. He's... missing. Ditto: *sits bolt upright* WHAT?!? PWD: Uh, Mr. McCloaker, sir, Air Force One didn't make it to Japan. We lost contact several hours ago. Ditto: . . . What!?!?! Call the Cabinet! About 10 minutes later . . . Ditto: Okay, so, last contact was made here, while they neared Japan, correct. Flutter: Correct, but Japan said the President never arrived. Ditto: Hmm, this isn't good. Sapphire: But if they never made it to Japan, then where are they?

long silence ensues*

Ditto: Hmmm, this isn't good. Sapphire: Didn't you just say that?! Flutter: I--uhm, we'll keep looking for them sir. *backs out slowly* Sapphire: ..... Ditto: No worries. Remember, we already thought he was dead once before, and he turned out to be alive and kickin' as the rest of them. Sapphire: I suppose. In the meantime, how do we inform the nation? Ditto: Let me think. They've only been missing a few hours. Maybe they are taking some kind of break or something. Sapphire: Highly unlikely...

meanwhile, on the plane Mr. Cooper: *laughing to himself* Little do they know that I am really... Wait, I'm not giving that out yet, that would ruin the whole thing. Vorpal: I wanna go to Japan! Magi: Me too! Cooper: Shut up! *slams door to were Vorpal and Magikoopa are sitting* Now I shall, turn on the knock out gas. Mr. Cooper walks up to cockpit. Cooper: Mr. Jennings, land here, in Saudi Arabia. *points to a map*

Masa: Well, I guess that shoots this world domination plan out of the water. Mura: I said it would; now we are equal. Now... I have my own world domination in Saudi Arabia, if you'll excuse me... Masa: Hmm... this is the part where I will be struck with guilt and do something heroic... *stands there waiting* Not feeling guilty yet... Sapphire: I'm really worried...they've been gone for a long time... Ditto:... PWD- I suppose that...nevermind. It isn't important for this situation because somebody else obviously has a better plan than I do.

Rocky walks by with a laptop*

PWD- And what do you think you're doing with my laptop which is the upgraded version of Toshiba that comes with two communication devices except now there's only one because President Vorpal took the other one?? Rocky- I was just getting information on Japan and the culture they have... PWD- You're not supposed to learn the culture of another planet! You're a Nintendo character, just like me, and we are not allowed to learn the customs or cultures of another planet! Rocky-...You make it seem like we're aliens. PWD- Hey, I thought you were sick. Rocky- Well, the other secretaries of things suggested many things to get over my nausea, but, apparently, they are wrong and owe me fifty "dollars". Is that the currency of this odd planet??? PWD- Ask a human, I don't think I know a lot about the human culture. Sapphire: Good grief. Hmmm… did you say that Vorpal took one of your communication devices? PWD- Yes, I did, but... Ditto: Deeson! PWD- Augh! What? Ditto: How does the communication device work? PWD- Uhhhh....well,.... Sapphire: You know how it works, don't you? PWD- I do, Miss Sapphire, but I don't want to bore you. Ditto: How can you bore us? Just tell us how it works! PWD-...Do you want me to explain in Layman's terms? Or the usual? Sapphire and Ditto: The usual.

Later.....*

PWD-...And then the transmitted message is quickly sent through an invisible wire, which humans can't see, as the one not being spoken through will receive the message at a very high speed which could cause a tear in the fabric of reality in the human world... Sapphire: Okay, okay! I'll take the laymen's terms! Ditto:...Zzzzzzzzzz... Rocky- Uh, PWD, you bored the vice president so much that he fell asleep. Why do you bore humans?? PWD-...I don't know, but I think Mr. Ditto McCloaker is having dreams of going to Japan. Rocky- Hey, he's smiling! Ditto: Zzzzzz...Kanichiwa...Zzzzzzzzzz... PWD- *sweatdrop* Is it just me, or did he really say, "Hello," to somebody in Japanese?

Masamune: *sigh* It's a shame I can't go to Japan... Dodo: Yes sir... *continues writing* Masamune: You know... sometimes I wonder, what would it be like to go to my place of roots, ya know... where my sword was made! Dodo: *nods* Masamune: Ya know I haven't been there since I was REAL little. Ever since I was put in that sword and put here... I left and never went back. Murasame got to go back, but NOO, not me... Dodo: Sir, if I might be allowed to interrupt, but can't you simply 'teleport' there? Masamune: Wait! I know what I'll do, I'll just teleport in the plane with Vorpal and Magikoopa! Dodo: Brilliant plan, sir.... Masamune: Well come on Dodo, let's go! Dodo: M-me? I have important work to do and.. Masamune: Don't sweat it... *whistles and Rapheal Raven flies in Dodo's place* They won't know the difference! It'll be like old times, me and you... TOGETHER! Dodo: *sighs* Very well, but I do not like this...

Masamune grabs Dodo and teleports away*

Cue dramatic music. Screen cuts to scenes of Ditto, wearing a suit and looking alert, walking purposefully through the halls of the White House, like in every hackneyed movie about national crises. Sapphire, Flutter, and PWD surround him. A concierge of powerful-looking suit-wearing men also follows them*
They talk in rapid, bullet-like fashion, covering tension*

Ditto: All right. Where did you lose contact with him? Flutter: 500 miles off coast of Japan. At that point, radio contact is naturally cut off due to distance until it can be reconnected. Unfortunately- Ditto: -You never make the reconnection. I see. No disturbance or unusual activity until then? Flutter: No, sir.

Sapphire: Strange coincidence that this occurred during the exact time of radio discontact. Ditto: That's just what I was thinking.

They dramatically turn a corner, the whole group still marching purposefully*

Sapphire: So you think- Ditto: -That's what I think. Flutter: But, that's unthinkable... Ditto: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Saph: I think so. PWD: WHAT?! Ditto: If there was a coup, then it means they had help from... someone inside. Sapphire: Oh my... Ditto: Flutter. I want you to run a background check on everyone who went on that plane. Flutter: Yessir! Ditto: Deeson! Have Rocky stay by the radios just in case. PWD: Sir yessir! Ditto: As for you, get on the Global Tracking System and try to pick up Air Force One. PWD: Global Tracking System? Do we have that? Ditto: Of course! We're the U.S. Government. Of course we have a system to track everyone on Earth. Don't you read the tabloids? Any reliable paranoid conspiracy theorist will tell you. PWD: Is it all true? What do we really keep in Area 51? Ditto: Oh, mostly old planes and stuff. PWD: Phew~! Ditto: We keep the good stuff in Area 52! PWD: But.. that's next to where I live! Yike! *runs off* Sapphire: (half laughing) Ditto! That was mean. Ditto: ...But so easy. Dodo: Sir. I have the details of that transaction concerning Japan you asked for. Ditto: Excellent. *reads through them* Wait. These are... fake! Get the Prime Minister of Japan on the phone!

gets him the phone*

Ditto: Yes. I'm calling about the recent purchase of your country... Yes, that's right... You have no record of such a transaction... huh. Okay. Thanks. *Cradles the phone slowly* Sapphire: It was a... set-up? Ditto: Looks like. Hmmm... help me find the files on the transaction.

Ditto and Saph search Magi's office, in vain. Suddenly, she gets an idea and checks behind his Ryoko wall-scroll*

Sapphire: Here it is! Ditto: Excellent. Now, find out who corresponded with him in this. Sapphire: Hmmm... It says... Mr. Cooper, Foreign Liaison. Ditto: ...Cooper? That's not Japanese. Saph: Birthplace listed in Japan. Ditto: What's the first name? Saph: Uhh... King. Ditto: King? Like King Hussein? Saph: Yeah, that's his first name, it says. 'King B. Cooper- Foreign Liaison with Asia.' Ditto: Hmmm... ~Meanwhile, in a palace in Saudi Arabia, Mr. Cooper brings Vorpal before...~ Vorpal: Whoever you are! You'll never get away with this! You're worse than the Arab Dude! Voice: Arab Dude? Close. Soon, I shall control the world! Vorpal: I doubt it. This whole thing is... so darn insane! Voice: Good guess. *steps into the light. He is a man in military uniform with a thick Mario mustache. It is...* Vorpal: *gasp!* You! You're that evil guy in charge of Saudi Arabia! Man: Yes, it is I, Sodarn Insane, ruler of Saudi Arabia! Mwa ha ha ha! Cooper: Mwa ha ha ha!

Ditto: So, Vorpal is taken hostage. Sgt. Flutter: Right, and under the 22nd Amendment, if a majority of the Cabinet says the current President is unable to rule, then the Vice President will become the President. Here's a majority of the Cabinet's signatures; all you need to do is sign. Sapphire: I don't know, Vorpal could still be all right. Ditto: I couldn't sign it, I don't feel right about it. Flutter: Fine, I mean, this could take a long time before we find him. What are we going to do? Ditto: Well, until Vorpal's back, I guess I'm Acting President of the United States Ditto McCloaker. Sapphire: Funny, how these things happen. Screen fades out. THE END? Opening Theme Almost Unreal [1] Peace Time Blowing in the Wind [2] Vorpal's Theme

Flowers on the Wall Lyrics-[3] Music-[4] Ditto's Theme Turning Japanese [5] Sapphire's Theme Always Something There to Remind Me Lyrics-[6] Music-[7] Parasol Waddle Dee's Theme I'm in a Hurry to Get Things Done [8] Masamune's Theme Richmond's Theme from Suikoden 2 [9] Murasame's Theme Boss Theme from Breath of Fire 3 [10] Ending Theme Ending Theme from Super Mario 64 [11]

play this - [12] In the depths of ABC to figure stand talking about their latest endeavor into the world which is Primetime Television. ???: Mwhahahahaha, we'll have a reality based show that will blast CBS's Survior out of the water! ???: Uh, sir, what do you have in mind? ???: I told you a thousand times! ???: Yeah, but, do you think Vice President McCloaker will notice all those hidden cameras in the White House? ???: No! They're hidden you dolt! ???: I'm sorry. ???: You better be.

Bravo, Vorp! Excellent choice of songs! However, you forgot the non-AC ones! Don't worry! Ditto to the rescue!

Friends in Low Places -Dubya's Theme (http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Alley/6082/frndslow.mid) Any Man of Mine -Laurya's Theme (http://www.geocities.com/sunflowerfield_2000/midi/anymanofmine.mid) I Can't Get No (Satisfaction) -Algore's Theme (http://grunt.space.swri.edu/audio/satisfac.mid) She Blinded Me With Science -Tipper's Theme (www.dfw.net/~gnl/sounds/blinded.mid) Everybody Wants To Rule the World -Chillsea's Theme (www.fortunecity.com/westwood/milan/998/everybody.mid) Rule Brittania -Bonnie Prince Willy's Theme (http://sunsite.univie.ac.at/Classmidi/cgi-bin/n.cgi/file/2/arnebrit.mid) Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby? -Jesse Jackson's Theme (No available midi, but I couldn't resist!) Secret Agent Man -Mr. Bean's Theme (http://unucc.yeungnam.ac.kr/~bwlee/midi/secret.mid) Battle Hymn of the Republic -Civil War II Victory Music (One of My Favorites!) (http://pabucktail.com/battlegm.mid) ...And, last, but not least... Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys -Barbara Bush's Lament (http://www.jahoopa.com/~toledo/music.stuff/n/Nelson.Willie/MamasDontLetYourBabies.mid) OK, this is it. Two new songs, that I thought were just PERFECT! "Shameless" -Clintin's Theme (midi- www. epcusd.w-cook.k12.il.us/bob/media/garthmids/SHAMELES.MID) (For the lyrics, which are PERFECT, if you keep Clinton in mind as you read them, go to www. geocities.com/wellesley/2256/storm.html#shameless) "I'm Your Puppet"- Supreme Court Justice Theme

(No midi, I'm afraid, but for the lyrics, which say it all, go to www. eltonography.com/songs/im_your_puppet.html)

No leaders were bashed in the making of this OG. (...Well, none we care about, really.) Any resemblance between the characters or events depicted in this OG, and any real persons or events, living or dead, is a dirty shame.

Difference between revisions of "Story:MMEDDP2 Chapter 5"

Revision as of 14:54, 28 July 2007

Chapter 5

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 =Chapter 5=
-*next day, next episode*
-*creepy background music*
+<nowiki>*</nowiki>next day, next episode*
-Four months ago was a guy
-Vorpal as his name, oh yeah
+<nowiki>*</nowiki>creepy background music*
-With his pal Ditto, how sly!
-*The Lady in red appears and neat-o music plays*
+''Four months ago was a guy''<br>
-But hey what's this, Bush and Gore?
+''Vorpal as his name, oh yeah''<br>
+''With his pal Ditto, how sly!''
+''*The Lady in red appears and neat-o music plays*''
+''But hey what's this, Bush and Gore?''<br>
 Losing the election has left them sore!
 Ol' Masamune they're sworn enemy