GCPA Finale Chapter 7

Chapters in GCPA Finale

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7

Dig deeper, remember

All you've been and all you've left behind

Wave goodbye, my dear

Dig deeper, remember

All you've been and left behind

Welcome home, my dear.

You were the magic, that turned a curse in time

You were the beauty we had to leave behind

Cold Opening

Morgan Freeman: We open within a small log cabin in the middle of a quaint forested area. I look up from the oven, where I am cooking sausages, to greet you. Oh I'm sorry, I didn't see you enter, I say. Come in, have a seat. Make yourself comfortable. I have a lot to get through today, and it's about time we got started. At the one place we can start... the end. Don't use that coat hanger, it's broken. Just take the clown suit off of the other one and use that. Ah, okay. Good. Ready now? Alright. While you're sliding those sausages into your mouth, I'll flip open my Big Book O' Pirates and read to you the last chapter that I have... Damn pages get stuck together so easily... AH! Well this is curious. I found the foreword that I misplaced. I don't believe I've read it yet, so if you'll allow me.

Morgan Freeman: There he lay. My captain, oh captain was dying. But in his words he spoke to me, and Redbeard... no, Shamus McScruffy... no George Peppard... no, Redbeard, he said to me... "

Shamus McScruffy: Blood Voice Freeman... I did all I could with this life. I've bought the world alot more time, and I lived me dream to me fullest. Pity it has to end now. But before I go... I just want you to do one thing for me."

Morgan Freeman: Of course, I replied. What is it, my dearest captain?

Shamus McScruffy: You're the only one who will remember the real story of my life. But I don't care about that. A pity that the name Redbeard will be remembered while the name of my crew fades into nothingness... but that is neither here nor there. This is about something more. I want to you to take care of my boy, and my boy's boys and my boys' boys' boy's boyses. Watch over them... help them to find their dreams... and tell me their stories...

Morgan Freeman: And just like that, his spirit left his body at the same time as the contents of his bowels. Then I began to tell this story... And this is how it ended...

*In the ruined game show studio, Scruffy is suited up for battle, with Que Pasa, Stampede and White Panther behind him.*

Scruffy: Alright guys, are we gonna do this?

Que Pasa: Very well. Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada... assemble! (begins dancing wildly while "Whoops, There it is!" plays and everyone begins to line up)

Karl: (cartwheels out and combusts his mustache) Karl Fucking Smith, reporting for duty!

Frenchie: (skips out with her dress cut in a more hippie-ish fashion) Frenchie's here, although my accent has sadly been murdered by my new hippie-ish lifestyle. Isn't that peculiar?

One-Armed Willy: It'll be an honor to work under you again Captain Scruffy. And anyone who thinks that sounds gay can suck my dick! ...That came out right, right?

The Dreamer: We realized it's not time to wake up from the dream yet, so it seems.

Shiny Stallone: I don't have the patience to be a pirate again. But I'll help you, Scruffy, just this one last time...

Salama: (rubbing Shiny's stomach) OH YOU SILLY BILLY!

Asian Distracting Dude: I'm back too! I still haven't thought of a new name and gimmick though...

Edwin: Guys... I'm sorry. I'm a terrible- (everyone smothers him in a hug at the same time, cutting off his speech. And his breath. He regains consciousness several minutes later)

Pink Ninja: Sure, why not? It'll be fun.

Mini-Myself: I decided that it's not too late to be important to the plot. ...Right?

Nemo: Guys.... look what I was able to make!

*What appears to be Rudolph steps out, but clankily and somewhat makeshiftly constructed, and with Kanye glasses for eyes.*

Nemo: I made him with my reggae-based technology.... he's called... Reggae-Tron!

Reggae-Tron: (shifts head around wildly) What...ttttup!

Scruffy: (looks at Nemo) I liked you better when you died all the time.

Nemo: (does anime-style pratfall) Waaaah!

eLFa: I'm here too, if you need me. I haven't forgotten our friendship.

Skanky Siren: (slides out) I'm baaaack!

Jebus: A million penises upon your homes. And so, I return.

No Name: (walks down a staircase while every song called "Hero" plays simultaneously) Guys, I'm so psyched for this! I can bring the gf, right? (holds up cape to reveal Vagineta hiding in his armpit)

Scruffy: (shrugs and nods, then breaks out into a twenty minute dance sequence before the scene continues seamlessly)

That Krazy Dude: (enters, then his heartfelt message is drowned out by live studio audience applauding)

*Finally Lupine steps up and eyes Scruffy uneasily, then nods.*

Scruffy: Ale! (everyone chugs down their drink of choice) Now crew, our greatest hour has come! It was a few years ago when three of us men planted the seed of a dream in the belly of this world! And now the angry hick father, Bob Saget in our friend Stampede's body, wants to take it back from us! Oldest story in the book, isn't it? Are we going to let him get away with that? The answer is not yes. For years, we've been nothing more than vagabonds and pirates, and sometimes randomly high school students or mercenary. But this different. This is the end. We can be heroes.

Que Pasa: Just for one day. ...I have a dental appointment on Wednesday.

Scruffy: Pasa, what have I told you about making dental arrangements during the end of the world? But regardless, I'm glad we have everyone here today. But whatever happened to dear Old Mr. T?

Que Pasa: I don't really know... he was turned into stone or some crazy shit like that.

Stampede: But when we revisited it before coming here, it was gone. We wanted to try to free him or something. We have no idea... what's become of him.

Scruffy: (lowers hat over head) Very well. I'm sure he'll turn up. Now pirates, we have business to do. Our mission is clear. Every last villain we've ever faced has united out there. We have to stop Saget once and for all in the world. I believe that each and every one of his is accounted here today without a single absence. All five girls! And now, without further ado... we shall-

Que Pasa: WAIT I HAVE TO SHOW YOU ALL MY FLASHBACK IT SHOWS HOW STAMPEDE AND WHITE PANTHER ESCAPED THAT DREAM DEATH TRAP!

Scruffy: Fine, just one flashback, okay? And you better explain how you escaped from the plot hole and certain death.

Que Pasa: Of course. See, it all started when I escaped the plot hole and certain death...

Scruffy: ...

Que Pasa: My next step was naturally the mind of this Guz Saget, because I knew there was someone I just had ta save!

[Flashback]

*The ground beneath Stampede and Saget rises. They are now in a pier about ten feet above the water, looking down the side where White Panther sits atop a crate that is partially submerged in water. Que Pasa is there, watching from just behind Saget, but no one notices him in the height of the drama.*

White Panther: No!

*A shark swims in the waters.*

Bob Saget: (appears on Stampede's face) Don't you love it?

Stampede: NO!

Morgan Freeman: And so Stampede suddenly regained control of himself while the shark made its way towards that White Panther. Running towards the edge of that pier, he did dive straight in, head first. The shark diverted its way to find him.

Saget: A fool, he is. Very well; I have the keys to his body and mind. While his soul and love will die here, in his mind.

*Saget then blips away, as he exists his mind. Que Pasa takes this opportunity to rush out and along the pier.*

Que Pasa: No, no! How do I...? Oh, of course... this is a dream world!

*Que Pasa leans down over the side of the pier and reaches down with both hands. His arms elongate unnaturally. One hand reaches down to grab White Panther, while the other grabs Stampede, and he begins to reel them up, just barely pulling Stampede away from a shark. He thinks he sees That Krazy Dude by his side for a moment, but he then disappears.*

White Panther: Que Pasa!

Stampede: How the hell'd you get here, man?

Que Pasa: Plot hole. We can escape through our mind... Saget doesn't know I'm here so he'll just think you're both dead when you're not in this mind anymore.

Stampede: What is all this madness?!

*Que Pasa manages to pull up White Panther first, and then they both pull Stampede up.*

Que Pasa: I'll explain everything, we'll come out the same way I came. I've learned the secrets of safe plot hole traveling. We have much work to do...

[/Flashback]

Stampede: Wait... we were in my mind... then we left it... but I'm thinking now, so I have a mind and a body, but it's not my own, so how could I- (begins blinking and stuttering in utter confusion)

White Panther: (sighs, then snaps fingers) Look, a drumset!

Stampede: (snaps back to attentiveness) Oh shit, where son?

Scruffy: Enough! Let's get this damn thing started!

*Navy ships rise surrounding the complex...*

Guz Saget: No... let's get this damn thing ended...

Act One

*The cheesy opening credits roll one more time...*

The Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada Presents...

The End Complete, Part VII: The First Goodbye

*The GCPA rushes through the halls of the complex, stopping occasionally to beat down some random mook with their genitalia and/or breasts. Finally they reach the exit, when suddenly... a television screen pops up. Bob Saget's original face shows up on it. He looks old and shriveled*

Bob Saget: Welcome to another installment of America's Funniest Home Plot Twists. I bet you don't remember it and won't until I just tell you, but this place you're in... used to be the same orphanage that you were all raised in as babies!

*They all look at each other and gasp, remembering this as if it were always fact.*

*Cheesey 80's theme music plays matched with horrific images of babies being abducted from parents or other orphanages, and being experimented on in laboratory.*

Bob Saget: It was nineteen years ago. I rounded up orphan babies from all over the world, brought them to my lovely little orphanage and modified them genetically to act as my personal pirate crew. The perfect crew of superpowered dumbasses for life. But you dumb babies... yes you, not those other dumb babies over there... had to ruin everything.

*A small baby with a poofy head of black hair sits in a sandbox. He has a pair of adorably oversized goggles and a red shirt in addition to a diaper, which every other baby has so I won't mention it in the other descriptions unless there is a variation. He has finally finished constructing a sand construct of a monkey.*

Baby Scwuffy: Poncho!

*Baby Que Pasa emerges from the sand, with a deranged look upon his face. He has spiky brown hair and wearing baby's first monocle with a green shirt and the Millennium Nose, in the form of a little bubble shooter. Scwuffy looks somewhat agitated.*

Baby Que Pasa: Hey Scwuffy, what's wong? Got gas?

*Baby Que Pasa slaps Scwuffy on the back, causing him to belch out a fireball that incinerates the sand monkey.*

Baby Scwuffy: Cooool.

Baby Lupina: Can you two be quiet? I'm twying to wearn about da buseedo way.

*Baby Lupina is sitting in a baby armchair in one corner of the sandbox reading a Rurouni Kenshin manga. He wears a pink shirt and a frilly bib, as well as a pink diaper, since his parents had expected a daughter.*

Baby Scwuffy: What a wet bwaket.

???: You gonna need a bwaknet when I'm done wit you punks!

*A very furry ape baby steps in.*

Baby Gowenicus: You dumb human babies jerks!

Scwuffy: Hey dat's mean tawk and I won't awwoww it!

Baby Lupina: Da honowable buseedo will always wook de odder way when someone woffends them. Awso onwy fight with their feets.

Baby Gowenicus: Shut up you ain't a samuwai baby you a dumb baby!

*Baby Gowenicus lifts Baby Lupina's armchair over his head and begins shaking it at high speeds.*

Baby Lupina: WAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!

Baby Que Pasa: Whadda we gonna do Cap'n?

Baby Scwuffy: Same ting we do evewyday Pasa: save the poowr fool.

*At that point Baby Que Pasa begins humping Baby Gowenicus's leg.*

Baby Gowenicus: AUGH! YOU FWEAK!

Baby Que Pasa: I wearned dis from your fwiends on Animal Pwanet!

Baby Scwuffy: Good job Pasa, I can take it from here!

*Baby Scwuffy bends over and farts a blast of fire that sends Baby Gowenicus flying back, making him drop the armchair. Baby Lupina gets in one kick to Gowenicus's face before he falls into the sand.*

Baby Gowenicus: NO I FELL ON MY COOKIE! (tears run down cheek) I'LL... BE BWACK! (runs off) WAAAH! WAAAH!

Baby Scwuffy: I wove it when a pwan comes togeter.

Baby Lupina: (stuck in hardened sand) I'm stuck guys!

*Baby Que Pasa nods, as Baby Dat Kwazy Dude steps in, wearing a miniature janitorial uniform, a babyfaced grin and wheeling around a small janitorial set. He also has big poofy hair.*

Baby Dat Kwazy Dude: Wooks wike a mess to be cweaned up! (begins mopping Baby Lupina's face)

Baby Lupina: WAAAAAAH!!

*At that point, bells ring out from the orphanage. They are slow and solemn bells, like a death toll. Suddenly, everyone's grins fade. They run into the orphanage in a great hurry, and gather together with the other babies. And then personification of evil steps into the room. However, he is so tall in comparison of the babies that all which could be seen of him was the portion of his legs covered by his extremely long pink-and-purple stockings.*

Bob Saget: Well well. We sure have a full house today, don't we? Well it's about to get fuller. See, Santa has given me some early Christmas presents from some unwitting families. Acquaint yourself with our newest subjects, children. They are codenamed Baby No Name and Baby Carlito.

Baby Karl: (tearing up) Bitch stole my name!

Bob Saget: I don't care. You will all get along and agree and get ready for the big pillaging tomorrow. There will be no exceptions. Now get to work, babies.

*Saget steps away to reveal two babies who crawl out from under the Christmas tree covered in wrapping paper, eventually tripping until other babies unwrap them. Saget then steps out of the room, causing everyone to sigh in relief. That's right. Even Baby Sawama, the fattest baby ever to emerge from another human being.*

Baby Sawama: (stuffing face full of spaghetti) I just woooove to eat!

Baby Que Pasa: New guy, what's your name?

Baby No Name: I don't gots no name!

Baby Que Pasa: Dat's stupid! Evewyding's gotta have a name! Dis means we godda be enemies fowever Baby No Name!

Baby No Name: So be it, wittle punk!

*Baby Que Pasa and Baby No Name begin dueling with cwayons- crayons. Baby Carlito and Baby Karl both shrug and start playing baby poker. Baby Scwuffy just crawls off to naptime.*

Baby Carlito: This is a nice place.

Baby Karl: Pwus da bitches be fwy!

Baby Bill Murray: Hey guys, what's up?

Baby Carlito: Nothing much, we're just chilling and dreading our suicide missions tomorrow.

Baby Scwuffy: (emerges from blankets in a fit) Enuff! All of us babies, we've wet Nanna Saget step aww ovew us all dis time! It's time we bwoke fwee!

Baby That Kwazy Dude: (innocent and heartwarming smile) Weawwy boss? Dink we's can do's it?

Baby Sawama: Mowe impowtantwy, can we eat it?

*And then another toddler steps in. He has a head of furry black hair that covers his eyes and a black Opeth Kids t-shirt. He is Baby Stampede.*

Baby Stampede: Sawama youw a gwoss. (eats an Opeth Kids vitamin) But what will dis mean for ouw new band, Sudden Infant Depth Syndwome?

Baby Scwuffy: We gonna have to put it on hold if we ever gonna escape fwom da bad Saget!

*A loud commotion comes over all the babies, drowning out Scwuffy. Then Baby Que Pasa steps up, with his nose becoming a loudspeaker.*

Baby Que Pasa: Quiet down, bwudders, and wisten to our captain in awms?

Baby Lupina: Captain? He's a captain of what?

Baby Scwuffy: Uh... piwates, dat's what we be! Wisten to me... your gweat and honowable Capn Washtabacka! Anyway, I knows Nanna Sagets gave us dese powas and all all wit dose scawy needles, but we's gotta be good and escape so we's don't get's not more suicide missions! Den we can wive da wives of fweedom we awways wanted to!

Baby Que Pasa: (now drawing a dragon in red crayon on Baby No Name's back, both apparently forgetting they were fighting a moment ago) Wives of fweedom? I will accomplwish dish mission! Where should I find one?

Baby Stampede: ...I beweive in you, Cap'n. Wet's make our pwans and become da piwates we was awways meant to be.

Baby Scwuffy: Dat's da spiwit! Wet's aww get to work, I gotz dis pwan down!

Baby Bill Murray: Yeah!

*At this point, the last 80's montage actually made in the 80's begins as they all begin getting to work. Babys Stampede, Dat Kwazy Dude, Carlito and No Name take parts from an oven and other kitchen supplies.*

Baby Stampede: -so after dat awbum we can work on ouw concept awbum based on Smallville, cawwed Abowtionville.

Baby Dat Kwazy Dude: You keep 'em comin and I'll keep 'em comin!

Baby No Name: Dat don't make sense guys!

*A small troll baby known as Baby Nemo pops up from a blender, where he has lived his entire life.*

Baby Nemo: What's goin' on guys?!

Baby Stampede: Nuddin Nemo, go pway wit your dowls.

Baby Nemo: (eyes widen innocently) But I wanna pway wit you guys!

Baby Stampede: (pinches forehead in exasperation)

Baby Carlito: C'mon, Nemo. We're planning an escape. Grab the gas compactor.

Baby Nemo: Sure ting, guys!

*Baby Nemo climbs into the oven and a few seconds later it explodes, sending the babies flying back across the kitchen until they slam into the stomach of Baby Sawama, who is sucking up cake mix.*

Baby Stampede: Yo so gwoss man!

Bob Saget: (offscreen) What's going on down there?!

Baby No Name and Baby Carlito: (simultaneously) CHEEZ IT! (they both stop for a moment to look at each other, as if falling in love)

Baby Stampede: Baby dudes, c'mon!

*While this is happening, Babies Siren, White Panta, Dreamer, eLFa and Fwenchie sit at a lemonade stand. Baby Siren is dressed in a tutu. As for Baby White Panta, she is small and silent, wearing a pacifier while constrained to a walker. The other three are babies who are girls, what am I supposed to do freaking illustrations. Baby Two-Armed Wiwwy stops for a drink there.*

Baby Two-Armed Wiwwy: Whatchou girls doing here instedda hewping us wit our pwan?

Baby Dweamer: Dis is our part of da plan. See, we decided to wait until da 90s to take on pwo-active femawe woles, so until dhen we shall be submissive femawe babies.

Baby Siren: And one day we'll have mammawwies!

Baby ADD: (sitting in corner reading book) I can't wait til I can take mammogwams!

Baby White Panta: (sucks on pacifier)

*The babies make their way to the basement, avoiding sharp corners along the way. The remaining babies are there, hard at work. Baby Scwuffy, Baby Que Pasa, Baby Lupina and Baby Karl put together a giant drill with pieces provided by Baby Stampede's group as well as Baby Mini-Myself, Baby Pink Ninja, Baby Shiny Stawone, Baby Patten McGwoin and Baby Wudolph.*

Baby Mini-Myself: Yay, evewywone's my size for a change! While I'm still a- a baby, I tink I'll wecord an ansewing machine message for my ceww phone to use for da west of my wife!

Baby Pink Ninja: Get me a good fake ID while yo at it chump.

Baby Shiny Stawone: (wearing a suit jacket and a diaper) I can hook you up, as wong as you pay da pwice to da wightful don.

Baby Patten McGwoin: (wearing an adorable fez hat, opens mouth to speak but is cut off by Baby Wudolph)

Baby Wudolph: Wudolph systems booting up. Initiating adorable baby speech impediment... woading compwete. Now active.

Baby Scwuffy: Done wit all youw obwigatowy wines? Good, wet's get going.

*The babies all climb into the drill, which begins to drill into the Earth while Saget gives chase. The two left behind, Baby Nemo and Baby Patten McGwon, grab onto the drill before it disappears and hurriedly climb in while Saget begins his pursuit. And Baby Gowenicus is left crying.*

Baby Scwuffy: We gonna weach new howizons, piwates. I can count on it.

Baby Stampede: Dude, what do we call our piwate selves?

Baby Scwuffy: Uh... I'ww teww you aww water. (whispers to Que Pasa) Come up wit a name!

Baby Que Pasa: (salutes) I'ww get back to you in 15 yeaws!

Baby Karl: Guys, dat mofo Saget's gaining on ouw taiws.

Baby Scwuffy: Uh ohhhs!

*Baby Scwuffy then blasts fire into the furnace to speed up the drill while Baby Lupina constantly pats his back to make him belch out more fire. At this time, the girls all begin handing out snacks.*

Baby Dweamer: Guys! We have pwepared snacks to hewp us in our jouwney! Accept dem as one of ouw wast acts of womanwy sewvitude!

Baby Two-Armed Willy: Guys, wook what I can do! (activates heelies, skates into wall and passes out; Baby Dat Kwazy Dude puts a blankey over his unconscous form)

Baby Dat Kwazy Dude: Goodnight, sweet pwince.

Baby White Panta: (holds out a small cupcake to Baby Stampede while sucking on pacifier)

Baby Stampede: Danks, kid. (assumes a macho pose as he bites into cupcake)

Baby Siren: Who else wants some cake?

Baby Que Pasa: I only eat chocowate cake!

Baby Siren: Oh come on chocowate's so wame, you should twy some new tings!

Baby Karl: What's wong with choco- (shoved to the side by Baby Que Pasa)

Baby Que Pasa: Fine, I'll give it a twy so I can spit it back atcha if I hate it!

*She cuts him a piece of cheesecake, and he chews on it.*

Baby Que Pasa: Mmm... Gowden Cheesecake....

Baby Siren: Dhere! Not so bad! (skips away blissfully)

*At that point, the drill shudders as it is battered by tentacles. Baby Que Pasa stumbles across the area and slams into Baby Sawama's stomach.*

Baby Que Pasa: Ugh... (looks into the cake mix splattered along Baby Sawama's stomach, which loosely resembles a heart with two figures linked together within it) I see... da future... (passes out and begins sucking on thumb)

Baby Lupina: She can't take much mowe Cap'n!

Baby Scwuffy: (only coughs up smoke) Oh noez, Scwuffy can't has fire? Quick, someone get baby a soda boddle!

Baby Morgan Fweeman: Oh no! But dhen Bob Saget tored their drill out of the ground, and he slammed it on the ground alot and all the babies fell out and they cried.

Baby Stampede: I godda paper cut!

Nanna Saget: End of the line, boys and girls. Not even Baby Gordon Freeman can save you now. Time to come back home and be prepared...

*Baby Scwuffy defiantly stands up in Saget's path.*

???: Not a step further.

*Mr. Feeny steps forward.*

Nanna Saget: Ah... George.

Mr. Feeny: These babies are on my lawn. According to this deed that I conned some Indians to sign, that makes them my property.

Nanna Saget: You've defeated me with the one thing I can't help but acknowledge, legal doctrines. Very well. But you'll have to return them all to their homes. And they'll forget each other before too long. And I'll be back.

*Saget retreats into a flock of bats.*

Baby Bill Murray: Well dat was fun, wasn't it guys?

Mr. Feeny: Well, Mr. (and Miss) Babies. I suppose I shall bring in an escort to drop you off at your homes.

*Baby Mr. T pulls up in a Fisher Price plastic version of his black van.*

Baby Mr. T: Geddin foos!

Baby Two-Armed Willy: Fine, but just after just one ting! I'm gonna weap dat hewicopta, watch me!

*Baby Two-Armed Willy skates off a ramp going towards a nearby helicopter.*

Morgan Freeman: Segue back to present-

One-Armed Willy: ...And that's how I lost my arm!

Bob Saget: (on tv screen) Shut da fuck uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup! (tv explodes)

Scruffy: I remember it all clearly now. Didn't we always know each other?

Que Pasa: Yes. Before any of us were even born.

[flashback]

Morgan "Fetal" Freeman: From the people who brought you GCPA Babies and GCPA Embryo Pals, we bring you the exciting new prequel, even younger and hipper than before... GCPA Sperm Racers! Who will make it to the egg?! It's a race to the finnish!

*Each GCPA member is in an individual sperm lined up at a starting line.*

Morgan Freeman: Your parents are having sex! Now... go!

*The sperms race off.*

Sperm Scruffy: Sorry pals, but I gotta win this!

*Sperm Racer X (No Name wearing a paper bag over his head) comes up next to him.*

Sperm No Name: Can't let you do that, Sperm Fox! I have to accomplish my dream of becoming the ugliest baby ever!

Sperm Que Pasa: Over my unborn consciousness! I have to foreshadow my futile crush in order to convert this story into some kind of elaborate and potentially annoying wish fulfillment and make things unnecessarily personal!

Sperm Siren: (shoots Sperm Que Pasa and races past) I'm gonna have breaaaasts one day!

Sperm Edwin: Stay frosty guys, we're about to enter the fallopian tubes! This is where I lost my conjoined twin.

Sperm Lupine: I'mmaboyI'mmaboyI'mmaboy- (Suddenly a giant raccoon materalizes and begins chasing his sperm) WAAAAAAH!

[Revert to present]

Lupine: ...And that's how I learned the alphabet!

Edwin: What a coincidence, I learned the true meaning of Christmas at the EXACT same moment! I was in the sperm with the fuzzy dice.

Stampede: (makes some spastic hand motions) Duuuuuuuuuuuude!

Scruffy: (sets everyone on fire) ANYWAY guys, we've got a job to do! While we're getting caught up in flashbacks and secret revelations, we could be stopping Saget! GCPA... let's roll out!

*Everyone barrel rolls down the hallway, even though that actually winds up slowing them down, until they see the Golden Cheesecake chained down nearby with someone waiting there.*

Darth Curry: Not... so... fast!

Scruffy: Curry, we don't have time to resolve your plot! Just let us through so we can get through to Saget!

Darth Curry: No! I'm sick of it! After all these years of being forgotten and wiped from the plot, I demand some legitimization! I demand sometime in return!

Stampede: (steps forward) Will this shut you up? (slips him a wad of cash)

Darth Curry: (counts it twenty times) It's here... exactly 64 dollars. (counts it thirty-eight more times) Oh my.... Vishnu...

*Darth Curry steps off, awestruck, and walks away.*

Que Pasa: Wow, you saved up just enough money to pay him back! Good job, Stampede!

Stampede: Really? That was just all that was left in the world treasury.

Scruffy: Okay everyone, to your stations!

*Scruffy rushes up the ramp, followed by the rest of the pirates. However, Stampede stands sullenly at the bottom of the ramp. Que Pasa rushes down to him.*

Que Pasa: What's wrong, champ?

Stampede: I think I'm staying behind. I'm useless now. I don't have my special Guz powers anymore! I'm a normal being now. All I have left is... (cries out to the heavens) AAANGST!

Que Pasa: That's not true, that's just not true! In fact, it's a un-fact. You forget had a name and titles long before you found such powers. Who could top someone of your abilities? After all, you were Stampede the Hedgehog!

Stampede: Marksman.

Que Pasa: ...Oh damn, that is pretty lame. (just walks off)

*Stampede begins to release the most adolescent groan he could, when White Panther runs up and slashes him.*

Stampede: Owww! What the hell!

White Panther: Let's go to your armory and get you suited up for battle.

Stampede: Hey, I still haven't forgiven you for betraying me!

White Panther: There's time enough to settle our problems offscreen, right after your suiting-up montage, for which I have already prepared your favorite music ever.

Stampede: You scamp!

*Stampede and White Panther race up the walkway and along the ship while Stampede's favorite song plays, and they all suit up and crap. He grabs a bunch of guns, and some knives and swords, hiding them all over his body like tying people to a tree. He then nods at White Panther, and they then disappear into the closet of conflict resolution, coming back out moments later holding hands.*

Morgan Freeman: At that time, the Golden Cheesecake begins to sail again. However, there are still chains holding it down.

Scruffy: Break those damn ass-chains!

Que Pasa: On twenty geese's wings, Captain Scruffyyyy!

Lupine: Okay.

*All the pirates leap into action. Nemo, Que Pasa and Salama gnaw on chains, Scruffy begins melting through them, Lupine everyone else just breaks them okay.*

Scruffy: Here we go... (mans the wheel, and the ship takes off into the skies) the Golden Cheesecake to the rescue!

*However, that fleet of navy ships is there, and begins firing.*

Lupine: Cap'n! How are we supposed to handle this?

Scruffy: This ship can't be destroyed. But they'll hold us off long enough for Saget to do whatever he needs to. ...You guys need to go on ahead. I can stay here and fight them off myself.

Que Pasa: But Cap'n... we're not supposed to split up. We're never supposed to split up!

Scruffy: I realize that sometimes we must. As long as we find ourselves again, a little further down the road. And we will. I'll handle these guys. You all have to go find Saget and get our Guz his body (and possibly his groove) back.

Edwin: It will be an honor, and a privilege.

*Nemo begins performing Semi-Fiction for no reason while Stampede and Que Pasa shove him around.*

Que Pasa: We will meet again...

*They then all get onto a pair of dinghys- one commanded by Que Pasa and the other by Lupine- and they take off.*

Lupine: Don't know where, don't know when.

*Scruffy stands at the bow of the ship overlooking the incoming navy ships. The head ship, the Mary Lou, looms close.*

Scruffy: WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOOR! I'M GONNA LIVE FOREVEEEEE-

*Suddenly, he's tackled to the ground by a figure leaping from the Mary Lou. Within a second Scruffy is pinned to the ground with a duck bill against his throat.*

Captain Duck-Hand Frzlngd: DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU'D GO THIS LONG WITHOUT HEARING FROM ME?! I'M FUCKING CAPTAIN FUCKING DUCK-HAND FUCKING FRZLNGD FUCKING! GNIKCUF

*Scruffy spits ash into Frzlngd's eyes and kicks him off.*

Scruffy: FINE! THEN LET'S JUST FIGHT AND ALL!

*They tear their shirts simultaneously and dive at each other.*

Duck: quack!

Act Two

*At the same time, the two dinghys race through space.*

Que Pasa: Saget's very presence in any body anywhere is causing all of everything ever to collapse. Look, every where there are plot holes forming. People who once existed do not anymore. Everything is in jeopardy.

No Name: Then Vanna's gotta spin the wheel.

Que Pasa: That's right, old Name-O. We've tracked him to Washington.

*The two dinghys approach the Giant George Washington. On Lupine's dinghy, which contains Jebus, Salama, eLFa, ADD, Edwin, Mini-Myself, The Dreamer, Karl and Reggae-Tron...*

Lupine: I can really feel it. The end is near

Karl: Then it's time we acted the opposite of bitch-asses.

Lupine: But... no you don't understand! It can't end yet, it just can't! So many things left unresolved... I never got to see Ren!

Jebus: You won't stop until every last plot point is wrapped up nicely in a tiny box and you get to live as super-happily ever after as you wish, won't you?

Lupine: I don't see how that's too much to ask for.

Jebus: ...Fine. Steer us towards that nearby island. Que Pasa's group can handle the situation for now. But I'm warning you now... this will change everything for you ever.

Lupine: It's the end. What do I care?

Mini-Myself: So, wait, am I getting a subplot or what?

*Lupine looks through his bird-viewing binoculars and sees Ren standing uncertainly on the island- then the boat jolts and smash-lands on the island, knocking out various pirates unimportant to the scene.*

Lupine: After all this time... At long last.

*Ren just stares at him for a moment.*

Lupine: You have to remember me... you have to! You knew me as Marko then... but now I have a new name a better one. I'm Lupine.

Ren: (looks around uncertainly) I... I know. (reality cracks)

Edwin: You told me you didn't remember him.

Ren: I had to. It's... I never got to talk to you all these years. They always intervened-

???: THAT'S ENOUGH.

*At this point, the ground begins trembling as Wally the Raccoon dashes straight towards Renn, but Jebus leaps in the way and wrestles with him instead.*

Lupine: What the hell! What is going on?!

Wally: The death of you, planned as such for so long.

Jebus: Urf... those prostitutes last night took more out of me than I thought.

*Wally grows as appopriate and pins Jebus against a rock.*

Wally: You really wanna know it all? You really want to learn the secrets of life and death connected with you, Lupine Shadow or should I say Marko lamlamlamlamamamaalmalamaaaaaaaam..a

Karl: I think I speak for everyone when I say, what the fuck!

Wally: You have an enemy greater than anything in this world. And you have incurred his wrath. You see, it all starts with a Lupine of another world. The most emo Lupine of them all... Lupine Degeneres. He actually once lived in a perfect world- perfect friend, family, the girl of his dreams and countless adventures. Then... it happened. One by one, the world's livelihood began to disappear. Investigation found they were disappearing through strange small portals. You see, this world was a civilization that was completely dependent on... pinecones.

Lupine: What?!

Wally: That's right. Slowly, everyone he loved and treasured died from this. Even his prized pets were pulled away eventually! He did make several attempts to thwart the pinecone thief, by casting powerful explosive charms on them. But you always survived. Eventually, Lupine Degeneres was the last she-man left on the planet. That was when he made his final pact, selling his soul into the deepest darkness. And awaking the Great Beasts of Torment. He wanted revenge on you... to make your life the only one worse than his. We came here to this world to torture you, to ensure your life would be a living Hell, manipulating everything to this point and keeping you away from that girl for as long as we could. I am one. We are the mysterious acrhitects who have designed this world as the ultimate tool of your death. So was your old friend Lucifer. He played his part. And there was Aelous, who was designed to look like a cool hawk in your eyes and as a gay owl in everyone else's. We had only one traitor among us who would not play his part.

*Wally drives a dildo through Jebus's hand.*

Lupine: Jebo? You knew?

Jebus: I'm sorry. Yeah, I was supposed to help end you. But after all these years... I couldn't leave a bro hangin'.

Wally: You were never supposed to talk to this girl again so that you would feel the pain of always pursuing something unattainable. Now you've forced our hand. We shall have to move to the final act of everything. All your friends, and your beloved Ren, shall suffer their final fate. And you will die when you have nothing left to believe in, and have reached your final breaking point. When the vengeance is complete.

Lupine: I didn't... I didn't do it! I didn't mean to!

*Wally expands more, turning dark and demonic and growing bat wings. Reality shifts around them, with the other pirates being contorted into various positions while screaming. Ren and The Dreamer are bound in golden cocoons, while Lupine sits helplessly watching.*

Wally: There was much you did not mean to. For example, every time you pulled a power out of the blue? You were actually unknowning tapping into the multiverse and temporarily channeling the power of an alternate Lupine... in some cases causing their deaths. But we do not care if it is your fault or not. As long as their is hatred to fuel us, we will do whatever we can to destroy all life we can. We have practiced on many of your other surviving counterparts in alternate worlds... and you are last.

*Ren's cocoon floats into the air, and a giant glass tank of acid materializes beneath her.*

Wally: This is the end, Lupine.

*Lupine runs at Wally, but Wally slaps him away with his tail effortlessly.*

Wally: This is the end of you, Lupine.

*The ropes holding Ren above the acid start to slip away. Lupine leaps up towards her in panic, but Wally slaps him back down to the ground.*

Wally: This is the end of your heart. You fool.

*With that, Wally spits acid into Lupine's face, as he briefly shields it with his hands. He then looks at his acid-scorched hands in despair...then tightens them and runs forward, slipping between Wally's legs.*

Wally: What-

*Lupine then kicks at the tank just as the girl starts to fall, and his foot somehow smashes a giant hole in the tank. The acid spills out, flooding across Lupine's legs and scorching Wally.*

Wally: What! You fool! What have you done?!

Lupine: Become stronger than ever before... NOW FEAR MY ACID LEGS STYLE!

*Lupine leaps into the air, catching Ren in his arms while unleashing a barrage of burning acid kicks in Wally's face. The Dreamer also falls, but is saved from the acid when her pants get caught on a tree. Wally takes flight, but Lupine continues leaping up towards him and kicking at him after injesting some magical jumping beans that That Krazy Dude gave him in exchange for his farm. Lupine's foot tears through one of Wally's wings, and he begins to fall.*

Wally: You- can't- I'm-- the final nightmare!

Lupine: I'm ready to wake up.

*With one last throw, Lupine kicks through Wally's face and lands on the ground. Watches as Wally melts down into nothingness while all the pirates are released around them.*

Lupine: Why. Why did you turn out to be some hellspawn?! Why couldn't you have just stayed the way you were?!

Wally: it was a simple choice... i was tired of being a cliched running gag. the only alternative to being comic relief... is to reveal oneself to have been something darker, something hidden. it was a simple choice...

Morgan Freeman: And then Wally is gone, leaving Lupine to lower Ren to the ground.

Lupine: The curse is over...

Ren: I'm so glad... I've wanted to see you again for so long.. they messed with our memories, they kept us apart. But you friends need you now. Go ahead. I will wait, just a bit longer, for this all to end.

*Lupine takes a bold moment to kiss her with his eyes closed, winds up kissing the back of her head, and then strolls confidentally forward while she just blinks in confusion.*

Reggae-Tron: You saved us man... against all probability!

Salama: I'm so glad I could eat!

Mini-Myself: I feel unused.

ADD: Man! I'm glad.

eLFa: Good job... He forgot to take me hostage too.

Karl: That was pretty badass man. Just one thing WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

The Dreamer: (still hanging from tree) This is a nice view actually. I can dream of whole new worlds ow wedgie.

Edwin: That'll do, Lupine. That'll do.

Jebus: (teleports the dildo into a package Scruffy had delivered to his parents) Knew you could do it, champ. (squeezes his shoulder) You've ended your old dream, and you've ended your oldest nightmare. Now that you've conquered that within, you can conquer that without (like conquering herpes before you get some chick laid!). Now let's get going, we have much work yet to do.

Lupine: I feel... like a new man.

Jerry Seinfeld: (glares) Newman...

Jebus: Oh and Lupine?

Lupine: Yes?

Jebus: Remember to check yourself for testicular cancer.

Mini-Myself: How are we gonna get back? Our dinghy's wrecked.

Karl: Don't worry; I called for my Karlicopter.

Morgan Freeman: A helicopter with Karl's face on it descends while they all toss Lupine into the air, and he just barely misses decapitation from the Karlicopter blades. They all crowd into it and it takes off, towing the tree that Dreamer's still dangling from with it.

*Back at the Golden Cheesecake, Scruffy and Frzlngd furiously duel on the deck of the Golden Cheesecake... atop a mattress, with pillows as their weapons, both clad in pajamas.*

Frzlngd: Monkeyman Ahab Scruffy, you dumbass fool. After all these years I've hunted you, hounded you, with all the world's navy at my disposal, and still you've evaded me. But no more. This time, you will submit to your might, and you and your pirate scum will be eradicated like the scum that you most indeedly are. (slapped in the face with pillow and falls over backwards) Ugh!

Scruffy: Nah, I'll probably win again.

Frzlngd: Fool! That is a terrible response! Where is some long drawn-out declaration of your values and how they opposes as well as are superior to my own? You always were a terrible enemy, Monkeyman Scruffy. It will be a pleasure to put you away.

*Frzlgnd stabs at Scruffy with his duck hand, but Scruffy weaves around it and directs a flaming punch at Frzlngd, who blocks it with his pillow.*

Scruffy: You weren't too good of an enemy either... Chinny Joe!

Frzlngd: (pauses for a moment) ...Chinny Joe?

Scruffy: Oh right... you never told me your name, I am very quite sure of this, so I made a little nickname for you in my head everytime we fought. Based on your most distinguishing physical characteristic... your big chin.

Duck-Hand Frzlngd: So my most distinguishing physical characteristic... is my large chin. (strokes chin with his duck hand)

Scruffy: Yeah, that seems about right. I swear you never mentioned your name at any point to me.

Frzlngd: Fine, I'll tell you my name, and I'll tell you it once. I'm Captain Duck-Hand... (Scruffy points at the duck hand with a giddy face, as if suddenly making the connection) Frzlngd.

Scruffy: Duck-Hand... Frzlngd.

Frzlngd: (blinks) That's right. That's... well, that's the first time anyone's ever said my name right.

Scruffy: Really? The prononciation just came to me naturally, it seems like a pretty straightforward name.

Frzlngd: I'm glad you know, it usually gives everyone troubles, causes no end of problems at work...

Scruffy: Yo, want a beer- (Frzlngd stabs Scruffy in the back as he turns towards the fridge) Ow, what the fuck! I thought we were bonding!

Frzlngd: I'm a bad guy, I'm only allowed to pretend to befriend you until you let your guard down! Although I admit, I probably went a bit too far by letting us braid each others' hair. Still!

Scruffy: You duck-handed bitch.

*Scruffy swings his scimatar, which has his pillow impaled on it at Frzlngd, who is using his duck as a sword and pillow as a shield.*

Scruffy: Your lacy nightgown can't protect you for long!

Frzlngd: Your days are numbered, pirate scum!

*At this point, a big storm hits. Below the flying ship, a whirlpool forms on the actual water.*

Scruffy: What the hell! Must be The Guz's power messing with nature accidentally again.

Frzlngd: The Guz?! How do you know that name?!

*Scruffy tosses several fireballs at Frzlngd, who dodges most of them and catches one in the duck's bill, then tossing it back into Scruffy's face.*

Scruffy: (coughing up smoke) He's our friend. How do YOU know about him?

Frzlngd: I've heard tales of him from my ancestor who served the navy that time... Duck-Hand Frzlngd. And yeah, I have no idea why all my ancestors wind up getting ducks attached to their arms so QUIT ASKING! And you should not of that forbidden history, those are the lost years.

Scruffy: Some crazy stuff's going on, huh? Yo want me to get you a beer- (Frzlngd stabs him in the back with his duck bill after he turns around) AUGH, AGAIN DAMMIT?!

Duck: Quack!

Frzlngd: Exactly! Now quit stalling me and show me what you're made of!

Scruffy: Fine... I guess I'll end this quickly so I can help my crewmates! (sets his scimatar on fire and slashes )

Frzlngd: Is that the best? I've seen middle-aged hookers hotter than you!

Scruffy: I didn't want to end this so quickly, but sure! (flames on completely, melting his scimatar as well as the pillow) Whoops, forgot that happens. Oh well, I can just take you out with my flames.

Frzlngd: NOOOOT!

*Frzlngd's duck opens its mouth and sucks up all of Scruffy's fire at a high speed, leaving Scruffy completely dry.*

Scruffy: Wha...

Frzlngd: Now, run.

*Scruffy dives as the duck spits out a wall of flames, and he slides through a hole into the ship.*

Morgan Freeman: And over at Que Pasa's dinghy, they face a different situation (but not The Situation) after Lupine's dinghy departs.

One-Armed Willy: Dude! Some of those navy ships are breaking off to come after us! And damn, look at those seagulls, don't they look just so awesome! Do we have any ice cream?

Shiny Stallone: Guys... that looks like a Viking airship coming to meet us too!

Que Pasa: Oh crap, this is not even slightly going to end well is it.

No Name: Prepare for battle, maggots!

Morgan Freeman: However, to the direct surprise of everyone involved, the Viking warship starts opening fire on the navy ships, knocking them out of the sky. Donner then appears on the vidscreen.

Que Pasa: What's-a happenin'?!

Donner: I've decided that it's best for us to help you for now.

Que Pasa: But the king... he hates us even more than I hate Reba!

Donner: Yeah, we're kinda acting on our own at the moment...

*Behind Donner, most of the other Vikings are struggling to keep Krampus/Sir Nicholas restrained and sedated.*

Que Pasa: You're a good man after all, Sir Ian Wallace. A good man...

Donner: Thank you.

Que Pasa: A good man...

Donner: (nods)

Que Pasa: A good man...

Donner: I see.

Que Pasa: You know what you are, Sir Ian Wallace? A good ma-

Donner: Don't contact me over this channel again. (vidscreen goes blank)

Que Pasa: He was a good man... (grips No Name's shoulder)

No Name: (nods in agreement) Mmm.

Morgan Freeman: The dinghy manages to safely land on George Washington without interruption, and everyone begins to disboard while entering through Washington's nose.

Que Pasa: Wait, where'd Siren go?

Stampede: She's not here, dude. Must have been on the other dinghy.

Que Pasa: (nods uncertainly) Very well. Follow me crew!

Morgan Freeman: Ten minutes later...

Que Pasa: (everyone's crowded in the bathroom) I have no idea where we're going.

Stampede: Leave it to me.

*Stampede steps out of the hamper with a red towel that he cut up to serve as a headband, which he wraps around his head in a badass way. He holds up his most ineffective but cool-looking gun at the same time.*

Stampede: I remember my way around here. Follow me, crew!

*Finally they reach the door to the oval office.*

Stampede: Be careful. He's beyond these doors... but he's capable of things beyond anything seen before.

Que Pasa: I can feel a disturbance in the plot echoing from within this room... could he have also learned how to exploit plot holes?

White Panther: I wouldn't put this past him. I'd also like to give him a piece of my mind for manipulating me.

Nemo: He manipulated us all. Ahahaha!

That Krazy Dude: Then let's pay him a visit, and tickle his carbuncles.

Pink Ninja: My thoughts exactly. (grips the door, but it won't open)

Morgan Freeman: Everyone lends a hand and they pull together at the same time, which causes the door to jostle open. A large dark room is there. A desk in the center. Lightning illuminates the room through a Washington eye-window, revealing webbed humans on the walls. And a skeletal creature in the chair.

Guz Saget: You fools still think you can contend with me, don't you? Looks like your little captain didn't make it.

Que Pasa: He did. We're here, so he is too. And this time it's gonna end Saget, oh boy it's gonna end.

Shiny Stallone: It's gonna end like Full House!

*Guz Saget remains silent, but everyone can feel the rage seething within him.*

Stampede: Touched a sore spot...

*Then a strand of Guz-hair shouts out, grabs Shiny by the leg, and before anyone can say anything tosses him out the window.*

No Name: NO! HE DEFENESTRATED SHiNY!

That Krazy Dude: I defenestrated on your bed the other week. Ate it too, shared some with Nemo.

Nemo: (eyes bug out) You told me that was arroz con pollo!

One-Armed Willy: Guys! Quit being side-tracked, we're trying to pay attention to this guy here. The nerve of these guys, can't focus one- OH SHIT THERE'S A SPIDER WEB!

Guz Saget: Enough. Come at me so I can kill you quickly.

White Panther: Cowabunga?

Que Pasa: Cowabunga.

All: COWABUNGA! (charge forward)

*Guz Saget lets them all come at him. No Name races forward, and Guz Saget blinks a bolt of electricity into his chest. However, Vagineta leaps up from No Name's pants as he collapses and releases some throwing stars that Saget proceeds to disintegrate using solely his breath. Frenchie tries to slap him with a baguette, but Saget unexpectedly eats it. At this point he notices himself being stabbed.*

Guz Saget: Pink Ninja is that you?

Pink Ninja: Yeah! Can't find me when I'm invisible, can you?

Guz Saget: A pity. You used to make such a great pawn.

*Guz Saget vomits into the air wildly, and then sees Pink Ninja's silhouette outlined by the vomit and punches his throat. Then Que Pasa fires That Krazy Dude at Saget, but he catches him by the face.*

That Krazy Dude: Ow.

Guz Saget: Ah, the prodigal half-son/half-self/half-brother returns. How have you been, Lord Moose?

That Krazy Dude: My name... is Kentucky Fried Chicken the Eighth... I own a mansion and a yacht.

Guz Saget: A pity. I shall hold onto you for now, because I shall need The Guzforce you hold within you eventually. As for your friend there, I'm afraid he's cheated death more than can be allowed.

Que Pasa: I'm not afraid of you-

*Guz Saget begins to shove That Krazy Dude into Que Pasa's mouth, while White Panther slashes at his stomach.*

Guz Saget: Please continue, that feels so pleasant.

White Panther: You're a meanie!

Morgan Freeman: While he's doing this, One-Armed Willy and Nemo grab his legs filling him with rage.

Guz Saget: URGH! These stupid little... pests!

Morgan Freeman: He shakes them off and begins stomping at them wildly while releasing That Krazy Dude, not noticing Stampede slipping up behind him; this whole time he had been inching his way across the room in a cardboard box that he has just discarded. He proceeds to hold a knife to Guz Saget's neck.

Stampede: OUTTA MY BODY!

Morgan Freeman: Stampede then slides back into his body while One-Armed Willy's and Nemo's shrill cries drive Saget's soul out.

Stampede: Even his soul cannot overcome my inbuilt rage that Nemo and Willy provoke. ...I'm sorry, I still think it's really weird to call him Willy.

Que Pasa: Truly... they are the Anti-Guzes.

*However, Saget's shapeless spirit takes on a new form...*

Saget: You fool... I planned for this as well... and prepared a new body to fight you with. My oldest servant.

*Saget than assumes his new body- that of Count Gonad. With his white hair and beard. And an eyepatch where his eye had been shot out. Also, the hair that had been cut off of The Guz has been taped to his chest. He's also wearing a badass military suit to make the parallel more obvious. A whirlwind of chaotic plot energy forms around them.*

Sagonad: You really think you can stop me?! I'M THE BIG BOSS AROUND HERE! I will reclaim your body and all shall fall before me! Human will... the world... the universe... the plot. A few buildings will probably fall in the process too.

Stampede: NO! NOT THE BUILDINGS! THEN WHAT CAN WE TAG?!

Que Pasa: This is... your hour of proving. Now make your move The Guz, and make it well.

White Panther: ...Good luck.

Morgan Freeman: Stampede dives forward and tackles Sagonad, and the two roll across the ground into the corridors of the Guz-mind, entangling all and warping reality around them. They then stand to face each other, and each of them pull out a variety of guns like a swiss army knife producing blades. A certain song begins to play as the two circle each other. They then begin wave-dashing past each other repeatedly while shooting at each other in the most awesome ways they could.

Morgan Feeman: As Sagonad blinks, the entire landscape changes and shakes into a hellish landscape. And the ground beneath Stampede becomes quicksand, that begins to pull him down. Sagonad laughs and slowly fires one bullet at the time, which Stampede assumes ridiculous poses to dodge. And then the singing starts.

Sagonad: End of passion play, crumbling away!
I'm your source of self-destruction!
Veins that pump with fear... sucking darkest clear-
Feeding on your death's construction!

Morgan Feeman: Stampede sinks further... and the quicksand slowly channels his energy into Sagonad, who grows larger and larger as he begins shooting Stampede several times in the arm.

Sagonad: Taste me, you will see...
More is all you need...
Dedicated to...
How I'm killing you!

Morgan Feeman: Stampede is pulled through the quicksand completely and falls down a seemingly bottomless well with a ball and chain attached to his leg dragging him down. Sagonad flies down beside him and continues shooting endlessly. Stampede pulls out a pair of revolvers and weakly fires them.

Sagonad: Come crawling faster!
Obey your Master.
Your life burns faster...
Obey your Master!
Master!

Morgan Feeman: Sagonad chews Stampede's bullets down Pac-Man style and shoves Stampede through a wall into a courtyard. Stampede then also has a chain attached to a boulder that is wrapped around his hands. He is forced to drag it every time he moves and slowly drags it across the courtyard.

Sagonad: Master of Puppets I'm pulling your strings!
Twisting your mind, smashing your dreams!
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing-
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream...

Stampede: (meekly) Master!
Master!

Morgan Feeman: At this point, it becomes apparent that the courtyard is filled with a hundred Stampedes, who are all dragging boulders around.

Sagonad: Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream...

Stampedes: Master!
Master!

Morgan Freeman: Sagonad than rides a giant mech that is about to crash on the courtyard. Stampede focuses, and all the Stampedes become one. However, he is much taller now, and the boulder is much larger as well. He proceeds to lift the boulder in an amazing feat of strength and smash through the mech, sending Sagonad flying back.

Sagonad: Needlework the way, never you betray!
Life of death becoming clearer!
Pain monopoly, ritual misery-
Chop your breakfast on a mirror!

Morgan Feeman: As Sagonad sings this, the ground beneath Stampede turns into a frying pan. He the does a hotfoot dance while dodging eggs, bacon, crack and butter that all rain down on him from above.

Sagonad: Taste me you will see...
More is all you need...
Dedicated to...
How I'm killing you!

Morgan Feeman: Sagonad than starts flipping the pan, tossing Stampede off his balance. An egg lands on his face and scorches him as he stumbles and slips incoherently around the burning surface.

Sagonad: Come crawling faster!
Obey your Master!
Your life burns faster...
Obey your Master!
Master!

Morgan Feeman: Sagonad gives one last flip that tosses Stampede up. He lands in a hall of mirrors, where all the mirrors show Sagonad's reflection.

Sagonad: Master of Puppets I'm pulling your strings!
Twisting your mind, smashing your dreams!
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing-
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream..

Morgan Feeman: All the reflections scream in Stampede's voice at the same time that Stampede speaks.

Stampede: Master!
Master!

Sagonad: Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream...

Stampede; Master!
Master!

Morgan Feeman: Stampede falls to the ground, weakened severely. He reaches for more guns but they dissolve in his hand as all becomes black around him.

Stampede: Master... Masterrrr....

Morgan Feeman: Stampede falls to the ground and stops moving. Every heart in his heart meter goes empty. And in the oval office, Guz Saget rises effortlessly and dusts himself off. He winks, unleashing untold amounts of electricity that begin to horrifically fry the pirates around them.

That Krazy Dude: Brotherin arms! DAKOTA FANNIIIIIIING!

Que Pasa: KEVIN BACON... SAVE US!

No Name: I'M HERE! WE'RE ALL GONNA BE OKAY!

Vagineta: MY BOOOOBS!

White Panther: NO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND... MY KNEE IS A LIGHTNING ROD!

Morgan Feeman: Guz Saget just smiles and increases the electrical voltage while personally strangling Nemo and One-Armed Willy.

Nemo: Why... won't... we... die?

One-Armed Willy: It... ain't... time... Yo that's a cool-ass fishtank!

Morgan Feeman: Guz Saget glances towards the nearby fishtank, while White Panther's knee snaps.

White Panther: AUGH! (echoes)

Morgan Freeman: Then, at this point (just as the song is entering 5 minutes), the first heart in Stampede's heart meter suddenly refills. He begins to stagger to his feet, filled with rage and dragging himself forward towards the Sagonad. Heart after heart of his heart meter refills.

Stampede: Master...
Master...
Where's the dreams that I've been after?

Morgan Freeman: He pulls out a pair of desert eagles and remembers Edwin and fires through Sagonad's knees.

Stampede: Master, Master, you promised only lies!
Laughter... laughter... all I hear or see is laughter.
Laughter... laughter... laughing at my cries!

Morgan Freeman: All of the reality fantasy around Stampede wraps and warps and waprs as he continues shooting, while Sagonad retreats.

Stampede: FIX ME!

Morgan Freeman: The world begins to reform around Stampede as he chases Sagonad, both of them racing through the skies on jet-propelled air balloons at amazing velocities and continuing to shoot at each other while Stampede also slaps his bass man. They go through ten jungles, before Sagonad shoots out Stampede's balloon, which lands in the Hell from earlier. They begin to wrestle futiley, but Sagonad grows stronger and grows into the flaming environment around them.

Sagonad: Hell is worth all that, natural habitat!
Just a rhyme without a reason!

Morgan Feeman: Stampede runs throughout a maze where everything is Sagonad, leaping out to strangle him. He pulls out every gun he can to try to shoot.

Sagonad: Neverending maze,
Drift on numbered days.
Now your life is out of season!

Morgan Freeman: Multiple hands reach out and grab Stampede until he can no longer move.

Sagonad: I will occupy...
I will help you die...
I will run through you...
Now I rule you too!

Morgan Feeman: And Sagonad's face materializes in front of Stampede, and they both speak in unison.

Guz Saget: Come crawling faster!
Obey your Master.
Your life burns faster!
Obey your Master!
Master!

Morgan Feeman: Sagonad begins to do a funny dance that Stampede is forced to follow through with, every moment.

Guz Saget: Master of Puppets I'm pulling your strings!
Twisting your mind, smashing your dreams!
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing-
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream!

Morgan Freeman: Then That Krazy Dude and White Panther appear, resting their hands on Stampede's shoulders. All of the hands then slowly release their hold on Stampede, with Sagonad paying little notice.

Stampede: Master!
Master!

Sagonad: Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream...

Morgan Freeman: Krazy and White Panther toss endless amounts of flamethrowers to all of the hands, and then to Stampede, all aimed at Sagonad's face. Stampede says with a smirk...

Stampede: Master!
Master!

Morgan Freeman: And then they all fire, blasting Sagonad's body. All of the Hellish landscape collapses around them and folds into a scene more befitting Stampede's mind... which admittedly is not much less of a metal landscape. However, Sagonad's body barely remains intact as the song ends, and he laughs madly.

Sagonad: You fools... I'm just gonna keep forcing my way into this body until you surrender! There is no way to drive me out!

Stampede: Yes, there is! We completed the song! (holds up a document) And now Lars Ulrich has sent in his lawsuit... because he's just a DICK!

Sagonad: No... the only thing I can't help but acknowledge, some type of absurd legal doctrine! I have to leave these bodies so it does not legally apply to me!

Morgan Freeman: And with that, Sagonad is overwhelmed by the flames and disintegrates.., Stampede's back in the oval office, and surrounded by his fallen friends.

Stampede: Sorry, Saget. You tried to destroy me by manipulating my love life for the sake of the plot. But me and White Panther settled our problems- so I may have 99 problems... but a bitch ain't one!

Saget's Essence: Curry... you're the only body left, accept me!

Patten McGroin: (pops out from desk he was hopping under) Sorry, that's not my name anymore. (hangglides out the window victoriously)

*All of the wounded pirates are crawling out of the room except for White Panther, who can't move.*

White Panther: I can't move!

Stampede: Alright, I'll help ya!

*But as Stampede approaches White Panther, a plot hole rips open and sucks up Saget's Essence.*

Stampede: WTF!

*Stampede jogs in place to avoid being sucked into the plot hole while carrying White Panther. However, it becomes evident that the whole room is being sucked in.*

White Panther: I'm supposed to be a tough chick... why do I keep on being demoted to a damsel in distress?!

*Saget's face appears on the plot hole.*

Saget: All according to plan.. every attempt to destroy me opens a new plot hole that I can escape through! And that I can destroy you through... there is no way you can win! As long as the plot progresses... so will I!

Stampede: Dude shut the fuck up!

*However, a stray printer hits Stampede in the head, and he falls over onto the ground, knocked out. He and White Panther then begin to slide along the ground, slowly being pulled into the plot hole.*

White Panther: Stampede, are you alright?! Stampede... STAMPEEEEDE!

*He doesn't react.*

White Panther: Not even a Metal Gear Solid reference can awake him... this is serious! I can't... let us both... fall into that thing!

Morgan Freeman: Suddenly, with an amazing burst of adrenaline, White Panther staggers to her feet and, without any knees, lifts Stampede.

White Panther: (slowly staggering out of the room) But I... can... carry... YOU!

Morgan Freeman: They then step out through the door and find the other barely alive pirates crawling through the hall. The ground breaks beneath them, but they then land in the dinghy, which a battered Shiny Stallone is piloting.

Shiny Stallone: Alright, let's get outta here!

*The dinghy then gets stalled at Washington's chest, and Shiny Stallone struggles to get it started. At this point, a targeting scope focuses on Stampede and White Panther, from a sniper up on Washington's shoulder. That sniper being none other than the illustrious Bobby Sue.*

Bobby Sue: You there, pardner? I'm about to pull the trigger.

???: Not yet.

Bobby Sue: Aw but why not?

Morgan Freeman: Bobby Sue stands up and saw the chest of someone who was not completely the person he was expecting- it was Skanky Siren, flashing him. Bobby stumbled over backwards, fell off another side of the ledge with a Wilhelm scream and landed in a Sarlacc pit.

Skanky Siren: Yay, I averted the evil future! Go me!

*But then, another figure steps out.*

Dark Siren: Not unless I shoot you down first, and then... take down Guzie boy myself... for his power...

Morgan Freeman: Dark Siren was alive indeed, but looked very worn and many years older than she should. She could barely hold up her own gun... and indeed she dropped it before she could deliver any of her promises.

Dark Siren: Dammit. If only I had... more.

Skanky Siren: Come here. I'm going to take care of you, the only way I know how.

Morgan Freeman: Dark Siren, slumps forward while Skanky Siren steps towards her, and embraces her in a hug. A bright light emcompasses the two briefly, and then Dark Siren is gone.

Skanky Siren: I'm not running anymore.

Morgan Freeman: The dinghy then flies off from Washington just after Siren leaps into it. Washington is sucked into the plot hole. White Panther is barely up.

White Panther: We... made it?

Que Pasa: Yeah, you can rest now. You did well, champ. You did real good.

*White Panther smiles and passes out on Stampede's chest. Stampede's eyes briefly open at this point, and he looks up at all his friends surrounding him.*

Stampede: (eyes full o' tears) What did I do to deserve all of this...? What did I do... to deserve all of you? (passes out)

Morgan Freeman: And back at the Golden Cheesecake...

Frzlngd: (peeks down hole into ship) C'mon out, Mr. Scruffy, wherever you are!

*Scruffy rushes through Stampede's armory, rummaging through the empty cabinets.*

Scruffy: Dammit, Stampede! For once he didn't forget any of his weapons!

*However, he then finds one pouch lying in a corner.*

Scruffy: (grins)

*Frzlngd is stepping down the narrow hallway.*

Frzlngd: Suu-eeee! Suuuu-eeeee! Come out, come out wherever you are!

Scruffy: Grenade!

*Scruffy tosses a grenade from the pouch, and Frzlngd immediately has his duck spit a fireball that explodes it before it reaches him, although the closeness still tosses Scruffy and Frzlngd back.*

Scruffy: I'm gonna miss this stuff.

Frzlngd: You can't win, Scruffy!

*Scruffy rolls away again and grabs his trusty scooter, then rides it back onto the deck while Frzlngd chases him. Scruffy checks the pouch and sees only two grenades left. He prepares the next one as he skillfully rides his scooter along the railing.*

Scruffy: Try to catch this!

Frzlngd: I think I will!

*His duck sucks up the grenade and spits it back at Scruffy. The explosion sends him flying through the air, and he just barely clings onto the railing.*

Scruffy: If I weren't a main character who just died in the most previous chapter, I'd be a goner!

Frzlngd: You still are. Now surrender!

Scruffy: Rrr...

*Scruffy grabs the last grenade with one hand and tosses it right at Frzlngd, who catches it in his human hand. A few seconds pass with nothing happening.*

Frzlngd: Well, well. Looks like your death warrent has been signed. By a defective grenade...

Duck: Quack!

Frzlngd: SHUT UP I'm almost done!

*Scruffy looks down at the whirlpool beneath him, while Frzlngd juggles the grenade.*

Frzlngd: Nothing? Well I'll just kill you now. This is the end of an era, really. The end of the pirates. And nothing anyone can do, can stop order from overcoming you all.

*Suddenly, the grenade explodes, knocking Frzlngd off the ship, and he falls to the whirlpool below.*

Scruffy: Grenade!

Frzlngd: Aw... fuck it! (begins making out with his duck-hand as he falls into the whirlpol)

*Scruffy then clambers back onto the deck of the ship. The fleet of navy ships surrounding them, naturally powerless against one man without their leader, slowly retreat.*

Act Three

Morgan Freeman: And so Scruffy collapsed onto the deck. He woke up to find Que Pasa and Lupine looking over him.

Scruffy: Hey fools, looks like you lived.

Que Pasa: Yeah. You took care of the navy, we took care of Saget-

Lupine: And I took care of my urgent internal problems!

Scruffy: That's amazing. Are we done yet?

Que Pasa: Saget's... kinda sorta still out there. Just not in Guzadiah's body.

Scruffy: Son of a monkey!

Salama: Stampede and White Panther are out of commission... they reached their respective dramatic conclusions pretty early.

Scruffy: Rest them in my bed. And set up a guard with a water bottle in case they try something when they wake up, because I just had that bed replaced!

That Krazy Dude: (grins coyly) What can I say, defecating on beds and eating them is onna my favorite children.

Karl: Alright, suckers. Don't we need to form some kinda plan if Saget's still out there?

Scruffy: You're right. Pasa, how do we stop him?

Que Pasa: I don't know. I learned of ways to get around plot holes, to manipulate them in order to advance things for the best, eventually. In essence, I'm writing this story.

Lupine: Can't you just... write Saget out?

Que Pasa: That is an award-winning question. The very fact that Saget is still around in some form means that he has learned to manipulate these plot holes as well... and on a different level than I. There's little I can do but to guide us there.

Scruffy: Then let's set sail for that location now, Pasa.

Que Pasa: But... we don't know how to stop him.

Scruffy: We'll have to think of something on our feet. Either way it's the end, right?

Que Pasa: I guess you're right.

Scruffy: Well crew, are you all ready?

*All the other crew members nod in determination.*

An Axe: (holds up That Krazy Dude) AND MY MANNY!

Lupine: I'm ready to fight for us... Captain.

Scruffy: Alright, crew. I have to tell you... this is the big mission. If we don't succeed... we are going to die.

Lupine: (high-pitched voice) Wha?!

Karl: Let's spike this punch.

Morgan Freeman: And that crafty Monkeyman Scruffy inputted the coordinates that his confused Que Pasa gave him. And then he pulled his mighty lever, at which point the ship began tearing through time and space irregularly.

One-Armed Willy: What is this shit?

Que Pasa: We're hopping through plot holes. We'll find Saget at the end. Just keep trying to exist and we'll be fine!

Morgan Freeman: They studied all the formations throughout the void as they traveled.

Siren: (looks around) It's so weird... is this what the end looks like?

Vagineta: We're gonna make it, right baby?

No Name: Hell yes! We're gonna beat the hell out of this final boss. I've been injesting unhealthy amounts of rare candies to max out my stats, I'm solid man!

Mini-Myself: It's all gonna end... without me having had a significant subplot at all.

Edwin: Didn't you have a fling with Scarlett Johansson in one sidequest? That's good, right?

Mini-Myself: Yeah, I guess so...

Edwin: I wonder if No Name still wants to make shrinky dinks.

Mini-Myself: (shrugs and walks off)

eLFa: This could be the end of everything.

Pink Ninja: Fine, we'll talk.

Que Pasa: (looks over) Hey-

Morgan Feeman: And then, without warning, something strange happened. Villains all dropped through into the plot hole and landed on the deck of the ship.

Siren: What's going on?!

No Name: (consulting complicated whiteboard) The plot holes are dumping a crapload of our villains here! Saget must have arranged for most of them to disappear into this plot hole after they lost the 1 Vs. 100 game!

Morgan Freeman: The explanations come to a halt as the pirates all engage in their most desperate battle against their most annoying foes.

Gorenicus: (sumo-wrestles with Shiny Stallone) I WAS THE FIRST VILLAIN! I SHOULD BE THE ONE GAINING PROMINENCE!

General Grievous: (lightsaber dueling with No Name and Scruffy) No, I was first!

Gorenicus: You were only good in Gennedy Tarktekovsky's cartoon version, you overrated wheezing fool!

Mithos: Everybody, calm down. Everybody fall in love. And kiill the pirates.

No Name: MY SCABULA!

*Mithos does a strip dance, which causes the villains to act more silently and efficently. The Mounty chases Edwin, Mini-Myself and Salama in the form of a giant tractor while Siren arm-wrestles with and Que Pasa is trapped in a desperate struggle with Leo. Jebus and Henry Winkler race in go-karts while Vagineta cat-fights with Hitonomi. Amidst all this confusion, Jonathan Taylor Thomas slips into the room where Stampede and White Panther are unconscious, and grabs a pillow.*

Jonathan Taylor Thomas: My name is Jonathan Taylor Thomas. You killed a transsexual parody of my television dad. Prepare to die. (stabs forward with a dagger made from one of Scar's teeth)

That Krazy Dude: (catches the dagger) No no, ohhh what a naughty boy you've been Simba!

Jonathan Taylor Thomas: You fool. You're not even playing as much of a role as you should, being the most hilarious and awesome guy on the crew! Join me and we can rectify that!

That Krazy Dude: I'm flattered, but I only rectify women and intelligent mammals. Can you feel the love tonight? (punches him in the face once) Wax on...

Jonathan Taylor Thomas: You dumb-

That Krazy Dude: (smacks him in the crotch with mop) Wax off!

*Jonathan Taylor Thomas collapses on the ground and crumbles into dust.*

That Krazy Dude: (wipes his hands with a job well done, then walks out to a line of female villains) May I wax your turtle? Can I sneeze in your burger? Would you like to deposit your ashes in my ashcan? (scores with each and every one of them)

Morgan Freeman: Everything happens with even more insanity. However, allies such as Meyer and Rafael arrive and begin fighting off enemies as well.

Lupine: Guys, I cornered the Bronze Cobra! At long last! (unmasks him) Old Man Jenkins?!

Old Man Jenkins: And I woulda gotten away with it too... if it weren't for your obsessive tendency for ripping off masks!

*At the same time, That Krazy Dude and the remaining pirates are being rounded up by Ben Dover and his other modern day pirates.*

Ben Dover: Are you ready to meet your fates, scum?

That Krazy Dude: I am only ready to meet my fats. However, I'm not ready to meet my trans fats yet. They hurt my feelings too much last time. (holds up his mop, causing Ben Dover to step back in horror)

Rei Pyu As: (produces a knife) Ye're gonna die!

The Dreamer: Guys, stop! Can't you see they're just keeping us busy? Look! The end of the plot hole is near.

Nemo: (weeping while being forced to write an essay by Gutmann) Oh man, we can't finish these guys off in time!

Gutmann: You're missing some literary devices. What does the cheesecake represent in relation to the human condition?

Karl: (beating down assholes while wearing gloves) This is bad news! If these guys are still here when we reach Saget, we'll all be doomed!

*Patten McGroin appears holding a lantern.*

Patten McGroin: Fellows! I've prepared the last escape boat. But it can hold only three.

Scruffy: It'll have to be us. If anyone has to represent us in our final battle, it has to be us.

Gorenicus: (leaps up in front of Scruffy) NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SA- (flame-punched by Scruffy)

Frenchie: Go ahead! Fight for glory!

*Scruffy yanks Que Pasa and Lupine out of their respective battles and leaps into the boat with them.*

Que Pasa: I feel all goosebumpy.

Lupine: Are we really ready for this?

Scruffy: You two are here, so they are all here too.

Patten McGroin: Don't forget this! (tosses Scruffy his beloved poncho, and he smiles back)

Morgan Freeman: The Golden Cheesecake comes to a halt near the exit for the plot hole, and the battle continues there. And the boat sails away from the ship and through the portal back to the plot.

Karl: You crazy bitches!

No Name: You can do it, you can do it!

That Krazy Dude: May I salt your fries?

Edwin: I'm gonna be the first man on Mars.

Skanky Siren: I believe in you, as does my cleavage.

Morgan Freeman: The three take one last look at their friends before they look forward towards the portal. And on the other side, their final confrontation.

Scruffy: I remember when we set out on our first journey...

[flashback]

*Que Pasa hops into a small cardboard box floating in the ocean that has "Golden Cheesecake Mark 1" written on the side. Scruffy is already in there.*

Scruffy: FIRST MATE QUE PASA!!!!!!!!!!! WELCOME ABOARD THE GOLDEN CHEESECAKE. SET THE SAILS, PULL OUT MAP, AND BUY A NEW COMPASS SEEING AS HOW YOU JUSt SAT ON OUR ONLY ONE, FOR WE ARE IN SEARCH OF THE CREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[/flashback]

Scruffy: And then I learned the value of an indoor voice...

Que Pasa: (grabs Lupine) And remember when this motherfucker joined?

Scruffy: Oh do I! We kidnapped this guy!

[flashback]

*Scruffy and Que Pasa hurry Lupine into the kitchen of their cardboard ship, not paying attention to the raccoon shadowing them.*

Scruffy: HELLO LUPINE, JOIN ME CAP'N MONKEYMAN SCRUFFY AND MY FIRST MATE QUE PASA ON OUR MAIDEN VOYAGE ACROSS DA VAST 7 SEAS IN SEARCH OF ADVENTURE, LIVES, AND TO EXPERIENCE DA WORLD DA WAY IT WAS MEANT TO BE ENJOYED. YOU MAY HAVE ANY POSITION YOU DESIRE, PLUS I HEAR YOU ARE AN EXCELLENT SWORDSMAN. JOIN ME AND MY FIRST MATE AND LIVE YOUR LIFE TO DA FULLEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lupine: i accept the role as cook on your ship. so u no my style of fighting is with my feet. but if things get deprete i use my most powerful style of gihting which involves swordplay. as stated i accept role of chef

[/flashback]

Lupine: And then I learned how to type...

Scruffy: I can't believe we finally reached the end. Should I make another speech?

Que Pasa: Nah, I got it down already. Friendship's good, Saget's really powerful, but there's a chance we won't die horrifically.

Lupine: Don't forget the sunscreen.

Scruffy: (takes off shirt and begins applying sunscreen) That's pretty much it. Well, here we go.

*It goes through the portal, and they are dumped into some strange black void. No one is there, but the evil presence can be felt by all.*

Scruffy: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!

Saget's Voice: This is my new room. Look around you, and you'll see just how masterful my plan is.

*There are open plot holes everywhere.*

Saget's Voice: You don't know it, but every time you thought you destroyed me for good in the past... this is how I survived. By harnessing the power of plot holes, escaping through them. For each time I was destroyed, there is one plot hole that is formed... the true cause of the tornado that separated you and tossed you into the future that one time you destroyed me. And each plot carries all the residual energy that went missing each time I was defeating.

Que Pasa: You're not saying...

Saget's Voice: Saying is exactly what I'm doing. I planned this exactly such that each plot hole would dump my leftover energies at this exact location... and they will arrive, just about... now.

Morgan Feeman: Each plot hole emits some sort of energy, and they all meld together and merge in the center of the void. This forms a Bob Saget made completely of light. This is his final form.

Lupine: He's so... shiny!

Shine Saget: That's Shine Saget to you. A pity only three of you are here. You're so outmatched that this battle will be over in literally no time at all. And then I can truly own all of existence. All will be me, I will be all, a loner.

Morgan Feeman: Shine Saget shines like so many suns and diamonds, blasting out spears of light. Scruffy, Que Pasa and Lupine all dive to the side to avoid it.

Lupine: How do we fight him?!

Que Pasa: By... fighting him?

Scruffy: Standard video game rules apply. Trial and error.

Morgan Freeman: Scruffy surrounds himself with his magnificent flaming aura and begins to launch a series of fireballs. Que Pasa also fires scones from his nose cannon, while Lupine begins castling elemental stones.

Shine Saget: I can't be hurt. I can't be touched. I can't be beaten.

Morgan Feeman: Every attack goes right through him without harm. His smile cracks an entire planet in half.

Scruffy: Damn, we're out of moves!

Lupine: Actually I still have twenty moves to cycle through-

Que Pasa: Let's try some homoerotic team attack!

Lupine: Do we have to?

Scruffy: Luupine...

Morgan Freeman: Lupine sighs and rejoins Scruffy and Que Pasa. Que Pasa sits on Lupine's shoulders, and then Scruffy gets on Que Pasa's shoulders. He then flames on, surrounding all three of them in fire.

Lupine: We're... on fire.

Scruffy: It's alright. I'm safe from my own fire. And so are my friends.

Que Pasa: Let's do it to it.

Shine Saget: Let me suck up your hope. I drink your milkshake, after all.

Morgan Feeman: Shine Saget produces a pair of blades-

Morgan Freeman: And Scruffy produces his own flaming blades at the same time, two for his hands as well as two for Que Pasa and Lupine. They then rush forward, with Que Pasa launching flaming projectiles from his Millenium Nose while Lupine tries kicking at Shine Saget as they get closer.

Shine Saget: You're going to be disappointed if you think a little fire is going to stop me in this form. It is admirable, but as worthless as everything. I am going to destroy everything, starting with you three.

Morgan Feeman: Shine Saget's light forms into a barrier that absorbs all of their attacks. Not one has any effect.

Scruffy: This is so STUPID! How are we supposed to fight someone who we cannot conceivably even harm?!

Shine Saget: You can't. I've manipulated this plot so many times to gain control over everything. And to become powerful enough to grow beyond the impossible... to truly crush you all. I truly cannot be beaten.

*Shine Saget blasts three orbs of light that pass through Scruffy, Que Pasa and Lupine's bodies, causing them all to tumble over.*

Shine Saget: You're the first dominoes, before everyone else falls.

Lupine: Come on, guys. There has to be something stronger than him! THERE JUST HAS TO! (tries out every jutsu he can, but never tries to summon anything)

Que Pasa: I can't think of anything...

Morgan Freeman: A memory comes to mind.

[flashback]

Que Pasa: Siren, your knee!

*Siren does not seem to hear and continues to progress against the forces by dancing and aerobicsing her way forward in an elegant and refined manner, with only her face suggesting the intense pain she felt.

[/flashback]

Morgan Freeman: Suddenly, a wave of energy flies out through one of the plot holes and smacks Shine Saget. He actually doubles over.

Shine Saget: What was that? ...Why did that happen?!

Que Pasa: Guys... I remembered something and it hurt him. We have to remember our friends' strength... and the memories will carry it.

Scruffy: I'll call it a Time Patronus, because now it just reminds me of Harry Potter.

Lupine: I never played Earthbound, but that also reminds me of how you're supposed to beat that final boss.

Que Pasa: IT'S ORIGINAL SHUT UP!

Shine Saget: Constellations.

Morgan Feeman: Saget forms a path of stars that intersect with the pirates' positions several times. Then the stars all explode, filling them all with agonizing pain.

Morgan Freeman: But as Scruffy stands there, suffering from all the subsequent explosions, he also remembers...

[flashback]

That Krazy Dude: Karl?

Karl: That name no longer applies to me. I have finally gotten out of the hood. I... AM... JOHNNY ROCKET!!! (changes into 50's clothes to Happy Days) I fight crime now! (sees a jaywalker) Stop right there, jaywalker! You have to answer to me!

Jaywalker: Yeah? What are you gonna do?

Johnny Rocket: (holds out a hamburger) Here!

Jaywalker: Thanks man! (eats the hamburger and walks away)

Johnny Rocket: Seen any other jaywalkers for me to mess up?

*Fifty years later...*

Jaywalker: ARGH (arteries explode)

Johnny Rocket: It was worth the wait.

[/flashback]

Morgan Freeman: Another rush of energy flies out from a portal and knocks Shine Saget over.

Shine Saget: Stop it! You can't hurt me so STOP TRYING!

Que Pasa: Lupine, you try!

Lupine: Ookay, I'll try.

[flashback]

Lupine: :: slices five mo-

[/flashback]

Lupine: (shakes head) No, I have to remember.... my friends...

[flashback]

Ramone: WE NEVER LEAVE A HOMBRE BEHIND!!! (crashes spacheship into the Mounty, destroying it for good)

Que Pasa: NOOOOOO RAMONE!!!!!

Lupine: He was a good man...

Nemo: Poor Ramone, I knew him well for the 5 seconds I saw him.

[/flashback]

Morgan Freeman: Another large surge of energy rushes through a plot hole and hits Shine Saget. He grunts in pain.

Shine Saget: Just stop it okay. ALL OF YOU STOP IT AND DIE.

Morgan Feeman: Lord Shine Saget uses his million invisible hands to strangle all three of them. They slowly start to die.

Morgan Freeman: But even in this moment, at this time, all they can do is remember...

[flashback]

Que Pasa: *vomits the seagulls, shoe, statue, security guards and puberty-stricken employees, creating a flood that washes away the navy crew*

eLFa: My statue! Eww!

Lupine: Hey, you wanted it back!

eLFa: But not like that...

Scruffy: Go Que Pasa......I think...

No Name: Yeah, that was awesome! You're a model now!

*The GCPA ride their new ship over the flood of puke to the ocean.*

[/flashback]

[flashback]

No Name: I AM SONIC! I CAN FLY! (jumps out window and lands in a box of glass, then gets attack by rabid dogs)

[/flashback]

[flashback]

*EVERYONE BEGINS TO HAVE AIR TRICK WARS*

Lupine: ::is carried in the air by the many colors of the wind::

Mr. T: What, you left hardly any for me fools!!!!!!!!

That Krazy Dude: *does Yoda-style flips*

Que Pasa: *begins to pull off air trip but then smashes into a rock*

Stampede: *DOES THREE BACKFLIPS THEN GOES INTO A PERFECT NOSE DIVE*

No Name: (jumps in the air, does a 720 while eating his lunch and gets a haircut while sticking his landing)

Lupine: :: flies into the air and cause a maelstrom:: I win! (gold medal magically appears on Lupine)

That Krazy Dude: (nose dives into the ground; the medal tears itself off of Lupine and attaches itself to Krazy Dude)

[/flashback]

[flashback]

Salama: Fo' sho', damn... *punches The Rock with Shocking 1st Bullet*

That Krazy Dude: *throws a shovel at The Rock*

Salama: *tops it off with Annihilating Second Bullet*

The Rock: GAH! HOW DID YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS WAS TO BE HIT BY A SHOCKING FIRST BULLET FOLLOWED BY A SHOVEL>???!!! (explodes)

Salama: *finishes it with an Exterminating Last Bullet*

Que Pasa: Okay Salama, I think we got him.

[/flashback]

[flashback]

Amy Rose: (over communicator) Great, keep up the good work!

Que Pasa: Put Eggman back on, he always has something good to say.

Emily Rose: I'M POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *break neck* UIGERIBRBGSIDR

Edwin: Yeaaaaaah, maybe if we ignore her she'll go away *throws blanket over her*

[/flashback]

[flashback]

That Krazy Dude: I guess that takes care of the Case of the Chemical Syndicate. (notices Dark Siren standing behind him) Oh shit, where did you come from?

Que Pasa: I think she's been there the whole time.

Dark Siren: Yes, and I've been having lots of fun sitting around and doing nothing but watch all you guys kill yourselves.

Que Pasa: Hey Siren, do you mind un-evilizing yourself somewhat? Things might be better off that way.

Dark Siren: Maybe...

*Dark Siren is surrounded by an angelic light, but just at that second a new wave of soldiers all fire their cure guns at Siren. The light immediately fades, and she proceeds to beat in the individual skulls of each soldier with her boobs.*

Que Pasa: Oh come on, you go crazy just because some dumbass soldiers shoot dart guns at you.

Dark Siren: Yeah, that is weird. You know what? I think I'll save you the trouble of killing me in some dramatic sequence and just be good again.

[/flashback]

[flashback]

Professor Oak: Of course, there's no such thing as Pokeballs asswipe! Dimensions you dumb fool, send him into a whole 'nother canon!

Nemo: I see...

*Nemo uses one of Lupine's powers to rip open a portal. THE MAN starts to get sucked in, but resists.*

Nemo: He's resisitin'! What's a Jimi Hendrix-loving Dominican like myself supposed to do?

Professor Oak: Are you a boy or a girl?

Nemo: *looks down* -_____- Right.

*Nemo flies into THE MAN's face, flashing his Siren breasts at him. THE MAN is stunned and stumbles back into the portal which closes beneath him.*

THE MAN: UUUUUUUUURRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! (MY EMPEROR... I'VE FAILED YOOU!!!!)

[/flashback]

[flashback]

No Name: Anyways, we can still do this. *GETS INTO STANCE*

Stampede: Hell yeah we can. *GETS INTO STANCE*

Darth Moose: fools....*DRAWS LIGHTSABER* .. /
() / .... () // ___() /
|==/ ..===|===/ |.. /
|.. | | /..
| .. /.. /..
/ .. .. ..

FROM LEFT TO RIGHT: No Name, Darth Moose and Stampede preparing for battle.

[/flashback]

[flashback]

*Darth Moose leaps forward and cuts Nemo's hand off.*

Nemo: AGH!

Not So Sane Dude: POWER!! UNLIMITED POWER, MAN!!!!

*Not So Sane Dude blasts Nemo with a surge of Force Lightening that flings him out the window. Stampede manages to fire a bullet into Nemo's other arm before he falls out of sight. Nemo continues falling to a very hard landing. His remains are hit by several speeding tour buses, molested by Micheal Jackson and eaten by a pelican. A memorial was built for him on some random highway which was destroyed by a meteor.*

Darth Moose: WHAT HAVE I DONE???

[/flashback]

[flashback]

Scruffy: Arooo?

Whoopi: Well, then, you are no longer of use, blast them!!!!!!!!!

(A huge nun lifts off her clothes, revealing Mr. T!!!!!!!!)

Everybody: MR. T?!?!?!?!?

Mr. T: And I'm helluva tough! (dual-wields BFG 9000's and blasts 18 nuns) Let's go!!!

Scruffy: AWESOME!!!!!!!!!

Que Pasa: Like your mom!!!!!

[/flashback]

[flashback]

*As Gary Coleman is confused, the tendrils start to weaken. Lupine, Krazy Dude and Stampede break free. Stampede pulls out a flamethrower and aims it at Gary Coleman's head.*

Stampede: Regenerate this, fucker!

*Coleman is completely consumed by the flames. However, a new Gary Coleman begins to form from the floor.*

Gary Coleman: Ha, you fool! The potato and I are one and the same- as long as one of us is alive, neither of us is dead!

*Hundreds of Gary Colemans form from the ground.*

Krazy Dude: This is not good. Someone must have fed him after midnight.

Stampede: Then I guess its time to blow this whole place up! (takes out a huge laser cannon) I'll miss you baby...

*Stampede sets the laser cannon to self-destruct.*

[/flashback]

[flashback]

*Vagineta growls, then leaps up and tackles White Panther over*

White Panther: What the ..? Get the hell off me bitch! *pushes Vagineta off*

Jebus: Cat fight!!

White Panther: *claws her face up*

Jebus: I think I realize why pirate crews never had women...

That Krazy Dude: ... Get some pudding. GET SOME FUCKING PUDDING!!

White Panther: *scratch scratch scratch*

Vagineta: You win this round- it will be even more agonizing for you to not have had sex with me, then to have had sex with me and died! (disappears with smoke bomb)

That Krazy Dude: Damn! It's too late -_-

White Panther: What the... I was supposed to have sex with her?

[/flashback]

[flashback]

*Babyface McTraitorpants shoves Que Pasa into the fire when no one's looking, then pulls him out from the other side.*

Babyface McTraitorpants: Remember I saved your life!

Que Pasa: Thank you, glorious Babyface!

Lupine: Wow Babyface! You're a hero!

[/flashback]

[flashback]

*Everyone collapses on the floor as Mini-Myself's beans batter their flesh.*

Que Pasa: They're like hail stones of blood!

No Name: My testicular area!

*Rafael leaps in front of Stampede and takes the beans for him.*

Rafael: I did it... for the Guz...

Stampede: You did good, solider. You did good. (closes Rafael's eyes)

[/flashback]

[flashback]

*Everyone rushes onto the court for the last five minutes. The teachers have the ball. Mr. Greco runs forward with the ball. Mr. Nard goes towards him and snatches the ball, then tosses it to Mini-Myself as Ms. Whitham tackles him over. Mini-Myself shrinks down with the ball and runs around while dodging Ms. Castinon's fly swatter. Lupine holds out his hand so Mini-Myself can run into it and continues running with Mini-Myself aboard, but Mr. Noble runs over with his stomach-mouth open. Mini-Myself grows to normal size and leaps from Lupine's hand, tossing the ball into the air while diving to safety. Lupine then runs like hell from Mr. Noble while Siren catches the ball. She and Que Pasa toss the ball back and forth as they run across the court, as they go dodging Mr. Brancato. Mr. Brancato then shoots a beam from his sex horn that blows up the ball.*

Everyone: NO!

Siren: There's only ten seconds left!

*Suddenly, 100000000000000001 balls materialize above the hoop and fall in, making the final score 100000000000000000-100000000000000001.*

Siren: Yes, we won!

Mini-Myself: But how?

Que Pasa: The miracle of basketball.

[/flashback]

[flashback]

Que Pasa: Ahoy Cap'n, I'm horribly bored.

Scruffy: So am I.

Que Pasa: Let's go on an adventure to a magical island of some sort.

[/flashback]

Morgan Freeman: Daggers of these Time Patronuses rip through the plot hole and cut up Shine Saget somewhat good.

Shine Saget: STOP IT YOU FOOLS! STOP IT! It's... it's all too much, roads I never could have... never would have...

Que Pasa: Who would have guessed that Bob Saget's really real true true actual real weakness was crappy clip shows?

Shine Saget: Why do you think they ended Full House with a clip show? They wanted... to exorcise me. BUT YOU FOOLS... YOU HAVE TO STOP! I'LL KILL EVERY LAST OF YOU AND DROWN YOUR DREAMS!

Lupine: You underestimate us.

Que Pasa: How strong we've made each other.

Scruffy: And how strong our imaginations make us. Look at what my imagination did this whole time.

Shine Saget: What?!

Morgan Freeman: Saget turned to find a very familiar figure facing him. Standing on an asteroid and wearing a protective scuba suit.

Mr. T: SAGET YOU DAMN STRAIGHT FOOL! TIME TO END THIS FOOL FOOLING DRINK YOUR MILK LIFE!

Morgan Freeman: He's also holding up the Sun, which he proceeds to drop atop Shine Saget.

Shine Saget: N-

Morgan Freeman: Scruffy leaps over to grab Que Pasa and Lupine and shield them with his poncho. A massive of light and color follows, as the entire universe collapses into a gargantuan plot hole that is formed, including all the other plot holes.

Morgan Feeman: I die... and so goes Shine Saget...

*Bob Saget find himself in a white room, with other people.*

John Stamos: Bobby!

Dave Coulier: Bobbohhhh!

Bob Saget: You guys...

John Stamos: We heard you needed friends. How'd you like to tour with Jessie and the Rippers?

Dave Coulier: (squirrel voice) I'm gonna learn drums!

Bob Saget: Buds... (rushes forward and embraces them both as it all fades away...)

Morgan Freeman: Everyone and everything floats into the void and merges together. And becomes two people.... Stampede and White Panther, awakened from their sleep.

White Panther: Where is everyone?

StampedethegUZ: There'll all gone... everything's gone. Everyone's gone.

Panther, White: That can't be. You have them in you, right?

edeStamp: Right. We have the world between the two of us.

WHITE PANTHER: Then let's restore it.

Stampede - THE GUZ: With GUSTO.

whpthr: WHAT SHOULD I EAT FOR DINNER?!

Morgan Freeman: They hold hands and focus, irritating the digestive system of the blank nothingness, causing it to vomit back out everything and all of existence. Everything smiles everywhere.

Scruffy: We did it! We did it, guys! My poncho protected us...

Que Pasa: Or was it that hair of The Guz's that I've carried around? Regardless, I feel it. Saget is gone for good.

Lupine: But what do we do next?

*Han Solo flies by in the Millennium Falcon.*

Han Solo: (blank stare) ...What the fuck just happened?

Chewbacca: (moans)

Lupine: Guys, let's clear up all these plots tomorrow, okay?

*Everyone else has already collapses and fallen asleep. Lupine rests in a small cot with That Krazy Dude.*

Epilogue

Morgan Freeman: The sun rises to find Captain Monkeyman Scruffy, garbed in the most pimp-ass white admiral suit that one could even conceivably imagine, with over a dozen sharply-dressed pirates silhouetted behind him. They all faced the side of a large galleon that was docked in front of them, one bearing the flag of the Golden Cheesecake.

Scruffy: Pasa...

Que Pasa: My most beloved captain... it's true that I have always dreamed of having my own crew and having a chance to truly shape all of my desires. But I've had a taste of that, and for now that is enough. I will remain on my original crew, to serve you as I was originally meant to... as your first mate. As your dearest friend.

Scruffy: (nods and licks tears, then nods to another silhouette) Then you... step forward.

*The silhouetted figure steps forward and kneels on one knee before Scruffy.*

Scruffy: Tell me, pirate. Are you ready to engage on your maiden voyage?

*The figure nods.*

Scruffy: Are you ready to travel across the vast seven seas in search of adventure, lives and loves?

*The figure nods once more.*

Scruffy: Are you ready to experience the world the way it was meant to be enjoyed, and live your life to the fullest??!!!

Figure: Aye aye.

*Scruffy rests his sword gently atop the figure's head, smiling out of purest brotherly pride.*

Scruffy: Then I dub thee... Captain Lupine Shadow.

*Patten McGroin steps out with a bottle of vintage wine.*

Scruffy: And I christen this ship...

*Scruffy lifts the sword and lights it on flame as he tosses it. It impales the wine bottle and pins it to the side of the ship, where it explodes to show that the sign saying "The Mary Lou" is crossed out to say a different name.*

Scruffy: ...The Golden Cheesecake II (secret of the guz)....

*Scruffy grins and leaps into the air, landing on the deck of a second ship that is docked right next to it, both being temporarily connected by a docking bridge. The ship, is of couse labeled Golden Cheesecake I (Give Or Take Several Thousand) while underneath the name "Blood Red Eclair" is also clear instead of being crossed out. Landing in the crow's nest, he looks down towards the Golden Cheesecake II and the other pirates.*

Scruffy: ...The second ship... of the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada.

*All the pirates run up a catwalk to the two ships, creating a party as they reach the ships.*

Salama: (on telephone) C'mon Mr. President, try to stop by! I'll get my slutty dress ready for you. ...What's wrong?

*On the other side of the phone, President Shiny Stallone is in the bathroom, staring agape at a pregnancy test. It's blue.*

*Lupine walks by talking busily on a cell phone while writing various business arrangements.*

Karl: So who do you think is gonna be Lupine's new first and second mates?

One-Armed Willy: That's crazy shit. I've gotta get in on this action. Yo Nemo, let's try to get to be Cap'n Lupine's first mates!

Nemo: Maybe, but don't forget... Cap'n Scruffy has an open second mate position!

One-Armed Willy: Well we better act soon. Lupine could be interviewing to his new first mate now!

Nemo: I wonder who he is talking to on that phone.

[flashforward]

*Lupine and Ren sit at a dinner table.*

Lupine: I've been a lone wolf all my life, Ren.

Ren: Lauren.

Lupine: Sure. I've dreamed about us for so long. And now our lives have actually intersected!

Ren: Your weird nerdiness is just turning me on.

Lupine: Wait until I read you my latest samurai poem! It's just so unreal, you know. I thought I might be disappointed, but... it's like you were tailor made for me. I wonder who could have dreamed you up.

*Ren smiles and sips on a glass of wine, while Lupine fetches himself another cup of Kool Aid from his pot of Kool Aid.*

[/flashforward]

*eLFa and Reggae-Tron are collaborating in performing a musical piece.*

No Name: This is so awesome baby! We're gonna bring peace between the pirates and the ninjas!

Vagineta: Yes we will. Now we just have to talk over how much time you'll spend here and there...

Mini-Myself: (whispers to White Panther) Alright, now go and distract him! (shoves her towards them)

White Panther: Oh hi there. This is a nice song huh? Wanna dance?

Vagineta: Sure!

*So White Panther and Vagineta begin dancing, and it quickly devolves (or evolves?) into softcare lesbian action, while No Name is mesmerized.*

Mini-Myself: Here's your chance man!

Edwin: (sidles up next to No Name) Hey there stranger.

No Name: (turns to Edwin and shakes his hand) Jamaican me crazy!

The Dreamer: So whatever happened with your kingdom, Mini-Myself?

Mini-Myself: Ran away again. Might return there if I feel more responsible someday. I've also considered selling it to the Donkeyman.

The Dreamer: I see. (nods and walks off)

*At the same time, That Krazy Dude and Frenchie are playing patacake.*

That Krazy Dude: Patacake, patacake, baker's man, bake me a love as fast as you can.

Frenchie: Don't worry, Krazy. I can hook you up. I have access to the hottest French and now hippie chicks around.

That Krazy Dude: 'S cool. Even if it doesn't work, my Calvin Coolidge ain't so lonely so long as I'm here. (picks up some dirt in his hand and drinks it)

Patten McGroin: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

Jebus: Hey guys, come along. I'm bringing Lupine out clubbing tonight. Pink Ninja's gonna come too, if he can get eLFa to loosen her leash. I got... a special present for him.

That Krazy Dude: Is that my daughter?

Jebus: Right. I brought his old pal Lucifer back to life... but in my own image.

Brocifer: (pops collar and gels up demon hair) Bros I gotta tan for this banging party tonight!

Jebus: Nice doctor's jacket, Patten McWhatever the hell name you're using.

Patten: Oh yeah, my ending is that I got an MD. I'm now Dr. Curry, yaaay! Oh yeah and like everyone else I suddenly get paired off with my soulmate.

[flashforward]

*On the nearby island, Edwin silently approaches the bar on the beach and sidles up to the counter.

Edwin: (meek, awkward smile) I'll have... the usual?

[/flashforward]

Mr. Feeny: I'm afraid it's so. Laurence and myself, and the other old great ones must ascend.

Mr. T: T's fool mission fool fooling done!

Mr. Feeny: But we have chosen successors to act in our places when we are gone. Meet your new next door neighbor... Robert Meyer.

Mr. T: And I gotta damn fool pass my gold on. To the one man who done earned it! (takes off his gold, reverting into a black janitor, as he hands it to Karl)

Karl: Hell yes! Affirmative action for the win!

Morgan Freeman: Karl puts on his necklace, and he begins to tranform...

ADD: This is a good look for you. I wish I could have some resolution. All this time, I still don't got a name!

Nemo: Come on ADD, I'm gonna resolve your plot in the laziest and most common way ever: by introducing you to a girl. Let's go clubbing!

Reggae-Tron: I'll bring da beats, and we'll get da honeys! Downloading sick beats.exe...

ADD: Fine. (walks off with Nemo and Reggae-Tron, unaware that he's still wearing high heels)

*At this time, Mr. Feeny and Laurence Tureaud begin to disappear in a golden light.*

Mr. Feeny: Believe in yourselves.

Laurence: Drink your milk.

Mr. Feeny: Dream.

Laurence: Stay in school.

Mr. Feeny: Try.

Laurence: Don't do drugs.

Mr. Feeny: Do good.

Skanky Siren: Don't you mean well?

Mr. Feeny: No. Do good.

Laurence: Pity the fools.

Mr. Feeny: I love you all. Class dismissed.

Han Solo: I know.

Morgan Freeman: And then they were gone...

Robert Meyer: (has a group of the pirates sitting around him) Let me teach you about television... Now let's say White Panther over there owns a tribe of bears...

Mr. K: (now muscular and mohawked) I feel... hella tuff.

Stampede: This is a sweet-ass ending, wouldn't you say?

White Panther: Yeah... and it reminds me of a song...

*A piano drops from the sky and lands on Nemo.*

Nemo: (bugged out eyes) Help... me!

White Panther: And that reminds me of a piano.

*White Panther sits at the piano and begins to play a piano version of "Nothing Else Matters" while everyone dances along.*

Stampede: (dances behind White Panther) This is kinda awkward...

[flashforward]

*Everyone is assembled watching Stampede and White Panther, who are standing in front of a glowing portal.*

Scruffy: But you will be back.

Stampede: Yeah. Me and White Panther are just gonna take some time off to sort out our crap. You know, get away from the world for a while.

Que Pasa: Just so long as you come back.

White Panther: Thanks for everything, guys.

Lupine: But... you were gonna be my first two mates! Now who am I gonna use? (One-Armed Willy elbows Nemo in the background)

That Krazy Dude: (weeps bitterly and hugs them both) Now who will play tag-team with my marsupials?

Stampede: Krazy, shit on Lupine's bed for me. Until my hair grows again, you have the most Guzforce on this ship. Look out for everyone, willya?

That Krazy Dude: As efficiently as I looked over your mother last night.

White Panther: We'll only be away for a few weeks. Be happy.

That Krazy Dude: With gusto, Madam Panthrina.

Que Pasa: My turn! (squeezes both of them in a crushing hug) ...Take care of yourselves.

Scruffy: And may the monkeys be with you.

Stampede: Same there.

*Stampede and White Panther wave goodbye to everyone and then kiss as they enter the portal.*

Que Pasa: Hey Cap'n.

Scruffy: Yes?

Que Pasa: Is it just me or do Stampede and White Panther seem to be a little closer than usual?

[/flashforward]

Que Pasa: There you are.

*Que Pasa finds Skanky Siren emptying out her locker within the ship.*

Que Pasa: So it's true.

Skanky Siren: Yeah... I'm heading back home. After what happened to it in the future... I think they might be needing me there.

Que Pasa: You're... you are coming back eventually, won't you?

Skanky Siren: I'll try. It's just... I'll be very busy. I don't know if I can-

Que Pasa: Well, if you ever want to be a kid again, ... we're always here for you. I'll miss you alot, you know.

Skanky Siren: I'll miss you too. Now I just have to vandalize this locker a bit...

*Skanky Siren takes out a permanent marker and signs her locker. Then looks to a sticker of a frowning girl, and draws a smile over the frown.*

Que Pasa: Do you need help?

Skanky Siren: (lifts massive bag) Nah, I got it. I've gotta go say my farewells to White Panther! (walks away and stops at vending machine)

Que Pasa: I just want to say one thing. Something I think... I've been trying to say this whole time, but I just couldn't. But now I feel... I can.

Siren: (absentmindedly slips a dollar into the vending machine, then looks over) ...What?

Que Pasa: Goodbye.

Morgan Freeman: And at the end of the day, Que Pasa and Lupine join Scruffy at the head of the ship.

Lupine: Well, Captain... we did it. We beat Saget for good, we got our new ship, we wrapped up basically every plot thread... what else is there to do but to call it a day?

Que Pasa: We've called it a day a million days before, and we'll do so a million times again. And may each time be even more glorious than the last. And if in the end...

Scruffy: Marko, there's one thing I've learned from all of this nonsense. We can't try to make sense of it. We can't just say "the end" and expect it all to every be truly over. It won't be over until we're all dead... and even the end of life is the beginning of the afterlife. Every end does double as a beginning, doesn't it? So nothing can end.

Que Pasa: You're right. My playing arpund with the plot holes... I have seen every possibility. A million new worlds with us in it with differences from the marginal to the great, where nearly anything can happen. This is the end of Saget...

Scruffy: But it's the beginning of a new era. I wouldn't say this is the end... it's only an end. A turning point as we change into something else... we're gonna learn how to be fathers and mothers in addition to being brothers and sisters and lovers and friends. Because we're just an armada of two ships. We have our whole lives ahead of us. No, screw that. We have eternity.

*With that said, the three tip their glasses together while chaos erupts around them, then spend a minute untangling their respective silly straws as they get caught on each other.*

Credits

*Roll credits. Scruffy and Que Pasa sing on a stage.*

Scruffy: I remember when, I remember
I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

Que Pasa: And when you're out there without care
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Scruffy: Does that make me crazy?

Que Pasa: Does that make me crazy?

Scruffy: Does that make me crazy?

No Name: (steps up) Possibly!

Que Pasa: And I hope that you are
Having the time of your life
But think twice
That's my only advice

No No Name: Come on now, who do you
Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control?

Scruffy: Well, I think you're crazy

Que Pasa: I think you're crazy

No Name: I think you're crazy

Que Pasa: Just like me...

Edwin: (steps up) My heroes had the heart
To lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember
Is thinking, I want to be like them

Scruffy: Ever since I was little
Ever since I was little
It looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Que Pasa: But maybe I'm crazy

Scruffy: Maybe you're crazy

No Name: Maybe we're crazy

Skanky Siren: Probably...

Que Pasa: Maybe I'm crazy!

Scruffy: Maybe you're crazy!

Que Pasa: Maybe I'm crazy!

No Name: Maybe we're crazy!

Lupine: Haruka kanataaa!

Edwin: Does that make me crazy?

Que Pasa: Maybe I'm crazy!

Nemo: (grinding with a hottie) Maybe we're crazy!

No Name: Maybe you're crazy!

Karl: Maybe I'm crazy!

Jebus: Maybe we're crazy!

Mini-Myself: Maybe you're crazy!

One-Armed Willy: Does that make me crazy?

Que Pasa: Maybe we're crazy!

Skanky Siren: Maybe we're- (Kanye swipes her mic, the music dies)

Kanye: Hey GCPA, I'm happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but Scrubs's ninth season had the best ending of all time. Of all time!

*Everyone just remains silent, and the credits stop. Everything turns to black.*

Morgan Freeman: Fifty years later... the ocean on a foggy night. All is dead. All is quite in the world. Until echoes of distant noise clamor from the horizon. The outline of a small ship appears in the fog. Then two more flanking it. Then two sets of two more flanking those two. It doesn't stop there, folks, as an entire armada crept out from that fog. And standing there, at the bow of the main ship, was an old man. He was mostly unrecognizable except for the crazy glint in his eye, with a long twisted mustache and a necklace with a burnt monkey skull dangling from it. He turned around to face a young brown-haired man, resting his hands on the shoulders of young Cory Pasa. My voice becomes his...

Old Man Scruffy: ...And that is how two idiots with a fool's dream started to create reality....

*Pause.*

Old Man Scruffy: ...Now will you change my diaper?!

"And in the end

The love you take

is equal to the love

That you make."

Alternate Endings

Feel free to add your own as you see fit.

1

*A man wakes up in the back of a comedy club, looking bewildered and flustered.*

Aide: Mr. Saget! You're on in five!

Bob Saget: (blinks) That was some FUCKED UP LSD.

2

• And then, everyone in the pirate world fades away and becomes nothing, as a girl wakes up in her bed.*

Girl: What a strange and magnificent dream.... I wish I could remember it.