GCPA Finale Chapter 1

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7

"Is this reality?

Or is this just fantasy?

Caught in a landslide

No escape from reality."

Cold Opening[edit]

*Karl, Nemo, One-Armed Willy, Shiny Stallone, Frenchie, The Dreamer, Lyssa, Salama, eLFa and Asian Distracting Dude are all lined up as Scruffy surveys them, backed by the rest of the GCPA.*

Scruffy: Welcome back, crew! How was boot camp?

Nemo: Boot camp? You sold our souls to freaking Clyde for a new boat!

Shiny Stallone: Yeah, like two years ago! We had to endure his brutal work-out regimens, his non-Italian foods and his bad Chevy Chase impressions!

Scruffy: Hey, what's done was done. But we cared enough to buy you guys back!

The Dreamer: Yeah, and I'm sure that has nothing to do with the low low prices Clyde put on all our souls due to the state of the economy.

One-Armed Willy: Look at what they did to Salama!

*Salama is extremely lean, with a muscular gullet (as well as a guscular mullet) and a serious face.*

Scruffy: Salama... why are your cheeks not glistening with joy?

Salama: Salamasalama reporting for duty, Captain Monkeyman Scruffy SIR!

Scruffy: ...At ease, Salami. ...So, how about we play an icebreaker game as a little apology for this whole mess?

Karl: How bout we bust a cap in your ass while I read all these other phrases from my "Encyclopedia of Intimidating Blaxploitation Phrases"!

*Lyssa simply storms off upstairs to her room in a huff.*

Scruffy: Um... please redirect all complaints through our customer service deposit! (shoves Que Pasa forward)

Que Pasa: Hubba-

*Karl lifts Que Pasa by the collar and smashes his skull into his own, then kicks him at Shiny Stallone, who simply backhands Que Pasa. The Dreamer then pulls on his ears while Frenchie makes him gag on a baguette. eLFa then pulls him away and begins slapping him around repeatedly with a guitar. Asian Distracting Dude begins dancing in front of Que Pasa, who is captivated.*

Que Pasa: What are you doing, what are you doing, I'm distracted!

ADD: (kicks Que Pasa in the groin)

*Que Pasa collapses on the ground and is immediately run over by One-Armed Willy's skateboard, and he then proceeds to wrestle Que Pasa to the ground. Then Nemo steps forward, and everyone else holds Que Pasa up with his arms behind his back.*

Que Pasa: Oh boy...

*Nemo skips towards Que Pasa, condensing the powers of all the other rejected pirates into his fist, and then punches Que Pasa in the face. Que Pasa is sent reeling back, spins around and finds his face planted in Salama's firm, brick-like stomach.*

Que Pasa: Salama... what happened to you? I used to be able to look into your stomach and see the future... a future filled with jelly. Now I just see... a big, stupid, hard and very firm future...

*Que Pasa collapses over. The rest of the crew watches this entire scene from the safety of the cabin window.*

Stampede: Hoo boy.

Act One[edit]

The Golden Cheesecake Presents...

*The GCPA lines up performing the Tunak-Tunak dance as the opening credits roll.*

The End Complete, Part I: You Wanna Make a Mammary

*The pirates all are walking down the ramp from the Golden Cheesecake to the beach.*

*Cut to interview of Scruffy.*

Scruffy: There's some tension, I see, between my crewmates. Maybe we did backstab them a bit by selling their immortal souls to a mad Judo instructor for a boat. I'm not a perfect man. But see... I have a solution for things like this: toss everyone onto a Hawaiian beach with an open bar and let them sort it out.

*Cut back to the beach, where Scruffy is calling everyone to attention.*

Scruffy: So everyone, welcome back our new old new crewmates while I go take a nap. (stumbles off into hut)

Que Pasa: (rubbing black eye) So guys, how do you like being back in the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada?

Shiny Stallone: Fucking pissed! I never even got the name. What the hell is a golden cheesecake anyway?

Salama: I think that's what you collect in GCPA 64, the one with the expansion pack.

One-Armed Willy: Nah, you dumbass! This isn't even an armada, it's just been one boat for all these years!

Que Pasa: Well, technically we've gone through enough boats over the years to form a small armada... plus this one's a ghost ship! (flickers a flashlight) Whooooh!

*The returning pirates all give Que Pasa a death stare and begin sharpening their knuckles.*

Que Pasa: I think I'll chill over there for a little while. (swallows flashlight and spins offscreen)

*In the dank hut, Scruffy is napping alone sitting upright in a folding chair when Lupine bursts in dressed in a suit, with his hair straightened and slicked back, and holding a suitcase.*

Lupine: I quit.

Scruffy: (mumbles without opening his eyes) I love you too, now go serve the h'ors doerves.

Lupine: I'm not doing that anymore. The restaurant down the street is hiring, and I am going to leave this crew once and for all to take the job.

*There's a pause.*

Lupine: Are you stunned, Captain, or just... not awake?

Scruffy: No.

Lupine: No, you're... not awake?

Scruffy: No. I deny your request to leave.

Lupine: You don't have that power! I can leave of my own free will, it's my own Jebus-given rights!

Scruffy: No.

*Lupine huffs and simply turns to walk back towards the door. He opens it to see That Krazy Dude there spinning a platter of hor's doerves on his mop.*

That Krazy Dude: You dropped this.

Lupine: No, I-

That Krazy Dude: Here you go. (shoves plate into Lupine's hands)

Lupine: Bu-

*That Krazy Dude lovingly dabs his mop over Lupine's hair. This causes it to unstraighten, and the dirty water drips down Lupine's body, ruining his suit.*

Lupine: Bu-

That Krazy Dude: (grins, grabs Lupine by the shoulders, then spins him around and tosses him back to the dinner scene)

Siren: (plucks an hor's doerve) Thanks! It's about time!

Lupine: (sighs, tosses off his soup jacket and begins serving everyone nearby)

Que Pasa: This is a task I can only entrust the two of you with.

*Cut to interview of Que Pasa.*

Que Pasa: I'm the first mate. I've got dibs on best man, and hopefully one day I'll be prince of the universe. As a dark overlord- er, pirate captain in training, I feel like it's my kinda responsibility to keep that close personal touch that Scruffy doesn't. It only makes sense. He's the stern and cold father who keeps his kid at arm's length. That makes me like the cool uncle, the one who isn't afraid to touch the children. So for resolving this problem, it only made sense to take the two most conflicting personalities from each side and make them work together.

*Cut back to reality.*

Stampede: No WAY am I working with this kid, son!

Que Pasa: When I get married, I'll rig it so you catch the bouquet.

Stampede: I'll boycott your wedding.

One-Armed Willy: Shut the fuck up and suck a dick, alright Stampede? What the hell you want us to do anyway?

Que Pasa: Ah, of course. Well I've saved the most important job for you. Look around you. You see pails. You see shovels. This is your chance to come together. Prove your creativity. Build our team sand castle... no, a sand city! This will represent our crew, our hearts, our dreams and aspirations. Open up your hearts to each other and relate about whatever angst you may share. Don't be afraid to make teary confessions or hold hands. We're all grown men here.

One-Armed Willy: All of that sounds homo to the nth degree, man.

Stampede: There's no such thing as an nth degree, dude!

One-Armed Willy: Oh yeah? There's such thing as my dick, so suck it!

Que Pasa: I see you two are hitting it off. I won't interfere with you any further. Page me if you want to thank me for this golden idea of bringing you two closer together. I'll be exploring the boardwalk and the mysteries it holds with No Name. (strolls off)

*At this time, at another table Shiny Stallone is setting up a poker game with Salama, Nemo and Jebus.*

Mini-Myself: Hey guys, can I join in?

*Everyone remains silent. After several seconds, Mini-Myself shuffles away. Cut to interview of Mini-Myself.*

Mini-Myself: Alright, so it turns out the other guys are a bit mad that Scruffy bought me back first. But hey... I have... other friends. (shot of Mini-Myself sitting on a rock and covering his ears while Lupine rants about his personal problems)

*Cut back to the poker game as Shiny Stallone presents his hand.*

Shiny Stallone: Full house.

That Krazy Dude: I play Kuriboh in some ridiculous fashion that somehow makes it more powerful than anything else my opponent has.

Jebus: This is unprecedented!

Shiny Stallone: Um yeah, we're playing seriously here. Give over your cash chips. And wasn't Nemo playing instead of you?

That Krazy Dude: (wearing Nemo's face) I have no idea what you speak of Pagliacci. Have you met my pet troll? (holds up Nemo by his hair)

Nemo: (slaps away at Krazy Dude) S-stop it! And give me my face back!

That Krazy Dude: Say avera kedavera, Mad-Eye Moody.

Jebus: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to side with Krazy here. He does have the higher ground!

Shiny Stallone: (Judo-flips over poker table in anger) GERRUGH!

Salama: (grips Shiny's shoulder tightly) It's okay, man. Let's calm down, like Clyde taught us.

Shiny Stallone: (clasps Salama's hands and looks into his eyes) Oh Salama. I have no idea where I'd be without you...

*Jebus, That Krazy Dude and Nemo proceed into a projectile vomit contest.*

*Edwin stops at the bar. The barmaid, a dark-haired woman of similar age, comes to serve him.*

Barmaid: You're part of the Golden Cheesecake party, right? What can I get you for, string bean?

*Edwin pauses a moment.*

Edwin: I'll-

Barmaid: (blurts) I mean get for you! For you.

Edwin: Er uh yeah. I'll uh... how about a moco latte?

Barmaid: Daring. I'll get it for you. (grins, and her tooth shines)

Edwin: (stumbles over) OH GOD I'M BLIND!

Karl: On your feet, sucker.

Edwin: Karl? My second-favorite black man in the world?

Karl: Second?

Edwin: Sinbad is my first.

Karl: (pauses for a moment) Understood. Now as I was saying, it's time we went ho-hunting. You could be my wingman. Maybe you'll do better than that Guido mafioso the other year.

Edwin: Um... (whispers) I'm kinda trying something right-

Barmaid: Here's your drink! (looks around) Where'd he go? Was I too rough with him?

Edwin: (pops up) That's what she said. Also yes, I shall collect my drink. (Karl slips into the background)

Barmaid: Oh good! That'll be this amount of money.

Edwin: (holds out his hand, and a seagull flies into it- he closes his hands and when he opens it again it is a wad of cash) Here you go.

Barmaid: That's probably highly illegal, but I'll allow it.

Edwin: Hozzah! This is some grade latte. I'd like a latte more of that!

Barmaid: (chuckles) Cheesey puns are among my turn-ons. You know, I get off my shift at su-

Lupine: Hey! Can I get some authentic Japanese gin seng tea here?

Barmaid: I gotta take this... it'll probably take me some time to brew.

Edwin: (nods in understanding) I'll... be back later. (notices she has already left into the tea brewing room, then slips off with Karl)

Morgan Freeman: Elsewhere...

One-Armed Willy: You're getting sand on my side.

Stampede: Take a good long look at my face dude. Do you see me fucking caring?

*The two have divided into two sand monuments. One-Armed Willy is making a bunch of random small houses that are all unfinished as his attention soon moves on to starting new ones instead of continuing them, while Stampede is attemptively patching a life-sized sculpture of James Hetfield.*

One-Armed Willy: (thrashes his singular arm around, decapitating Sand James Hetfield) I see this, dickhole!

Stampede: JAMES HETFIELD! YOU BASTARD! (pounds the sand in anger, causing tremors in the Dominican Republic, and all Willy's sand houses collapse)

One-Armed Willy: My kingdom! Way to go, assface!

Stampede: Where's your crown now King Nothi- (tackled over One-Armed Willy)

*The two homoerotically thrash around in the sand, although they are wrestling rather than making out.*

White Panther: Guys. guys.

Stampede: (wrapping his legs around Willy's throat) HUUH!

White Panther: Lupine has me collecting orders. What do you all want?

One-Armed Willy: (tugging on Stampede's hair with his hand) One of his trademark crapburgers, no pickles.

Stampede: (slamming Willy's face into the sand) Still fucking afraid of pickles? I don't get it man! It definitely tastes better than this sand.

One-Armed Willy: (spitting sand into Stampede's eyes and proceeding to slap him) Speak for yourself, lover of the cock! Look at them they're all green and fucking moldly and gross and disgusting, and they're fucking gross on top of that all!

Stampede: Well, you heard him you filthy sub-human. (winks) Just get me a pickle-burger.

White Panther: (blinks, winks, then blinks again) I'll be back in a few.

One-Armed Willy: She just wink at me?

Stampede: (slams Willy's head into a rock) How you like me now?

*Que Pasa strolls by as White Panther leaves, absentmindedly patting her head as they cross paths. Que Pasa is garbed in a Hawaiian shirt, swim shorts and douchebag sunglasses.*

Que Pasa: How's my favorite dream team coming along?

One-Armed Willy: Um... (looks around at devastated sand creations)

Stampede: Um... (looks around at Willy's bleeding head)

Que Pasa: Dammit, I was counting on you guys! Now where will our pirates look to for a symbol of unity on this occasion? I know! I shall have to provide this myself, me thinks!

One-Armed Willy: One question, first. What's with the pube face?

Que Pasa: Hey, this a fucking valuable beard, get to work right now dammit hip hip hop!

*Que Pasa goes over to the bar and climbs on top of the counter, pulling out a Rock Band microphone.*

Barmaid: Get down from there please.

Que Pasa: No. Now listen up people! From now on, right here we're having open karaoke night! Tell your boredom to write itself a suicide night, cuz its gonna be putting itself out of its misery soon!

Siren: That's not a real microphone.

Que Pasa: Ahem... (begins to sing) You wanna make a memory! You wanna take... a piece of time! ...You wanna make... a memory! ...You wanna take... a piece of time!

*As he begins to sing, White Panther approaches Stampede and Willy carrying two wrapped burgers.*

White Panther: You guys done yet?

Stampede: (burying Willy in the sand so that only his face sticks out) I don't answer to subhuman requests.

One-Armed Willy: Can't you be nicer? (shouts over to White Panther) We're fucking getting there, alright?!

White Panther: Sure. Um, here are your orders, jerkasses.

One-Armed Willy: Just... drop the burger in my mouth if you're not gonna unbury me.

Stampede: (grabs both of the containers) Not enough strength in your one arm to break free?

One-Armed Willy: You're forgetting my third arm, but if I whip that out I might accidentally kill you all because it's big and all as well as my dick.

Stampede: You don't say. (unwraps both of the food items to reveal that they are both piles of pickles, and shoves them all into Willy's mouth)

One-Armed Willy: (in clear horror/pain) URRR URRGH URRRR!!!

Stampede: No choice, chew it all down. Chew it all down! (laughs maniacally)

Act Two[edit]

*White Panther walks back towards the bar with a smile, only for Siren to swipe her out of the air-

Siren: PANTHER! Over here!

*-And bring her over to the table where Frenchie, ADD, The Dreamer and eLFa sit beneath an umbrella. eLFa is absentmindedly strumming her guitar. ADD has been forced into a sundress, with makeup and curls in his hair.*

ADD: Help me.

Que Pasa: (drifting from background) You wanna make... a memory! ...You wanna take... a piece of time!

White Panther: Um. Hi.

Skanky Siren: It's girl time everyone! Now that we have more than two girls here, we can have regular girl talk councils.

Que Pasa: You wanna make... a memory! ...You wanna take... a piece of time!

White Panther: Yeah... I don't really....

Frenchie: Sacre bleu!

The Dreamer: Oh come now. eLFa was just telling us about what happened with her and the Pink Ninja.

Que Pasa: You wanna make... a memory! ...You wanna take... a piece of time!

eLFa: Eh... someone bought his soul from Clyde before the captain bought us all back, and I haven't heard from him since...

Siren: Riveting! Now White Panther, tell us all about your own boy-life.

White Panther: Um... yeah I haven't really been looking. And the last place I'd look is... here.

Que Pasa: ...You wanna make a memoryyyyyyyyy! ... You wanna take... a piece of tiiiiime. ... YOU WANNA MAKE- (pegged in the face with a whine bottle and falls overboard)

Dreamer: Duly noted. I prefer to dream about ruggedly handsome men instead of trying to find some dream-like romance among these children.

Siren: Hey, it might not be that bad hooking up with some crewmates! Maybe it could be juicy or fun.

Frenchie: I zee no real interest in zese men either. Vhat are we, to pick a name from a hat?

Siren: Great idea! We'll each pick a name at random from a hat, and you'll have to try to connect with that guy, see how it goes! Consider it a blind practice date!

White Panther: (groans)

Skanky Siren: Any questions?

ADD: Yes. Do I have to do this too?

Siren: Yes. ...After we put on your mascara.

*Siren passes ADD's bonnet, which is full of names, to White Panther.*

White Panther: ...Why do we have to this?

Siren: C'mon, it'll be fun! Who knows? This might just be fate's way of connecting you with your soulmate.

*White Panther picks out a slip of paper and reads the name.*

White Panther: Can I pick a different name?

Skanky Siren: Why?

White Panther: I got Lupine.

Skanky Siren: Sure. (holds out hat)

White Panther: (switches papers) ...Rudolph. Isn't he a robot?

ADD: That just means you gotta teach them the meaning of love! Also means you'll be basically dating a giant vibrator.

White Panther: (flatly) Thank you.

Siren: My turn, my turn! (pulls out a paper) ...Hm.

eLFa: Who'd ya get?

Siren: ...He's not Lupine, but I'd rather switch.

ADD: Too bad! No other exceptions! (snatches bonnet and passes it to Dreamer while Siren glares at him)

*The Dreamer reaches into the hat, automatically puts back the paper with Lupine's name on it and pulls out a different paper.*

The Dreamer: Is there a mistake? This has no name on it.

Siren: Oh you won't want him, of course not! His... your intelligence will overshine his!

The Dreamer: That sounds like a most probable problem. If only I could switch...

Siren: Just trade with me!

The Dreamer: Huh? Oh... okay. (she and Siren exchange papers) Ah, our first mate. Perhaps he has some hidden depths to the seemingly shallow waters of his mind.

ADD: Can you do that?

Siren: (stuffs lipstick into his mouth) I can do whatever I want! Now it's Frenchie's turn.

Frenchie: (takes hers) Oh my... Nemo? He iz quite ze womanizer, but I am not sure if I wish to date such a man...

ADD: (reaches in) I got... myself. Should I escort myself to the nearest closet with a magazine?

Siren: No, let's make things spicier... switch with Frenchie!

Frenchie: A strange offer, but I zhall go along vith it.

ADD: ...Why.

Siren: Just drink your tea.

eLFa: (reaches in and pulls out paper) Can I switch...

Lupine: (has been there the whole time trying to play the guitar and serenade Dreamer) Oh c'mon!

eLFa: You're actually my brother!

Siren: Yeah, everyone who dates you has a tendency of turning out to be related to you.

Dreamer: And I for one do not want my children to have defects of breeding within the same family unit.

eLFa: (switches papers) I got... Stampede. Oh, he's pretty cute.

*White Panther blinks nervously.*

Skanky Siren: Been there, done that. ...Well girls, let's all scatter! Good luck!

*They do that. eLFa walks towards Stampede and Willy, with One-Armed Willy looking quite sickly from underneath the sand.*

Stampede: (histerically laughing) Oh man! I can't believe I got you to swallow them all, dude! Holy crap!

One-Armed Willy: Urgh...

Stampede: What's up, man? Finally give up?

One-Armed Willy: (vomits pickle juice all over Stampede)

Stampede: Dude, not my ill new shirt! (tosses it off and turns around shirtless to find eLFa there)

eLFa: Um... hello?

*White Panther approaches Rudolph, who is on a bench releasing birdfeed from a pez-like dispenser which his pointer finger has transformed into.*

Rudolph: Error. These newcomers are not indentified within my database. However, several sweet honeys detected.

White Panther: Yeah, I don't really know any of those guys either. I'm just looking for a way to kill time and keep those other girls from annoying me.

*She shakes her head as she looks towards eLFa wiping vomit off of Stampede's face while he laughs.*

Rudolph: Hm. How may we find some alternative entertainment to occupy ourselves in the meantime?

White Panther: I dunno... if only we could make our way to the tv or bar without having to interact with these people.

Rudolph: Ah. Solution detected. Loading...

*His chest shifts into a television, and he holds out his arms while they change into a minibar.*

White Panther: (smirks as she grabs am oversized drink in her tiny mitts) For robot, you are win.

*Que Pasa and No Name have taken to cruising the boardwalk.*

Que Pasa: So tell me about girls.

No Name: They have boobs.

Que Pasa: That's so hot.

No Name: Also, they might STOMP YOUR HEART INTO PIECES!

Que Pasa: Cardiovascular stuff, kinda kinky. Go on.

No Name: Why, you wanna date one? I'm having as little luck as ever.

Que Pasa: All I figure is, it's time I got myself a girlfriend after Malaria decided to be a normal person. The nerve of her! One of us should get a girl.

No Name: Yeah, we're like two parts of the same person! If at least one of us gets the girl we wants, we should both be happy!

Que Pasa: That'd be awesome. For some people, it's just so easy.

*Que Pasa looks over towards That Krazy Dude, who is sweeping the floor near a Boardwalk Ho.*

That Krazy Dude: Would you like to dust off my sarcophagus?

Boardwalk Ho: (leaps onto the Dude and begins making out with him)

No Name: Mmmm...

Que Pasa: But these girls, they're hard to come by. I'm aware of that. The key is not bluntly shouting one word in capital letters with an exclamation point as my next line, expressing purest desperation.

No Name: Look, those things are girls!

Que PASA: WHERE!

*Que Pasa spins his head around 360 degrees until he sees Siren and Dreamer both approaching.*

Siren: Hey No Name!

Que Pasa: Hi Siren!

No Name: Yo chicas!

Dreamer: Hello Que Pasa!

Que Pasa: Yeah.

Lupine: (bursts through boardwalk floor in a new rental tuxedo) Hey each and every last one of you equally but especially Dreamer!

*An awkward silence follows as everyone looks from one to another, while Lupine stares determinedly ahead with a salesman's grin on his face. Then-*

Nemo: (pops out of trash can) Hey everybody!

*The other five scream and run off down the boardwalk.*

Shiny Stallone: You win the bet. (slips laundered dollar bills into Nemo's hands)

Nemo: Yes, to the batata stand! (rushes off with Scooby-Dooesque dust cloud)

*At Camp Stampede...*

eLFa: A sand sculpture? I can help you guys!

*However, as she said this One-Armed Willy was chasing Stampede around her in a circle.*

eLFa: Guys...?

One-Armed Willy: That's it, you're fucking dead!

Stampede: ADD, Calm the hell down cuz you know you fucking enjoyed it!

ADD: (who happened to be strolling by) What are you talking about, Stampede? How am I supposed to enjoy this!? (curtsies with dress) I don't know where they put my actual clothes!

Stampede: Wait... what the fuck? You're ADD? Then what the hell is Ricky's pirate name?

One-Armed Willy: I'm One-Armed Willy, you asshole!

Stampede: Oh my god that is such a gay name. Why the hell aren't you ADD? No offense Marvin, but this kid's the personification of ADD!

ADD: Well it stands for Asian Distracting-

One-Armed Willy: ADHD, moro-

Stampede: I don't care Marvin, and close e-fucking-nough Ricky! Either way it's a fucking misnomer! Marvin, or "Asian Distracting" whatever, why don't you think of a new name while I continue my egging on of this asswipe?

*ADD shrugs and walks away.*

*Karl steps up to a rollerball game next to a fine-looking young lady, inserts his quarters and begins to play.*

Karl: Fun game, right?

Lady: Yes, it is pretty fun. I'm trying to win a prize for my son.

Karl: Err.. (coughs, cuing Edwin)

Edwin: (rushes drenched in sweat) Karl! There's a fire down at the orphanage!

Karl: (looks to the lady) I'm sorry. (whips out fireman hat and puts it on) But duty calls.

*Karl then dashes off with Edwin. The lady blinks and continues playing rollerball. They stop outside, where Edwin whips out cotton candy and they share it while they watch the orphanage burn.*

Karl: Damn, that thing is really burning.

Edwin: Yeah, the actual orphanage fire helps our story very conveniently.

Karl: You're like a hand of fate, Baby Edwito, and that's why you're my wingman. Hopefully never, you'll be my son's godfather. But until then, we should make sure we're both properly hoed up.

Edwin: You know... I think I kinda am getting something goin' on with the barmaid back at the beach.

Karl: (slaps Edwin, then points at his shirt and flicks his nose when Edwin looks down) Why didn't you say so bitch! Let's head back to that damn-ass beach and make sure you get that date, ten minutes ago son!

Edwin: Is that possible?

Karl: It's always possible.

*Karl grabs Edwin and runs backward at supersonic speed, ten minutes later they arrive at the bar on the beach ten minutes ago.*

Barmaid: (cleaning Lupine's acid-stained tea cup) Back for some more? Your friend had an accident. I told him he shouldn't use a teacup to mix chemicals, but he was so sure he could "make chemistry" for us... *laughs*

Edwin: habba habba. HHHEEE urgf.

Karl: My friend has ten questions to ask, and all of them involve asking you out.

Edwin: Yeah, you're uh, quite pretty.

Barmaid: I get out at sunset. Let's do something then.

*Back to the boardwalk. Q-.*

Vendor Guy: Spontaneous minigame- ROLLERBLADE RACE!

*iren, No Name, Que Pasa, Dreamer and Lupine all aggressively rollerblade down the boardwalk at high speeds with a variety of other competitors. Also, the rollerblades are made of flames somehow.*

Siren: I learned this from a soccer game! (kicks some guy's head off)

No Name: I saw that! Best game ever!

*No Name and Siren are side by side and begin playfully bumping at each other. The other three lag behind.*

Dreamer: Que Pasa, carry me!

Que Pasa: Dammit, how am I gonna win with you on my back? This is completely backwards thinking!

Lupine: At your service, milady!

*Lupine lifts Dreamer and rests her feet on his shoulders, holding back tears as the flaming blades dig into his shoulders. Dreamer rolls her eyes and crosses her arms.*

Dreamer: Keep me balanced.

*The finish line reaches up and waves to them not far away. Que Pasa, through elaborate use of drifting and shells, is nearing No Name and Siren.*

Que Pasa: Behold, my fighting chance!

No Name: (draws laser sword) Did you say "fighting"? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I HEARD!

Que Pasa: (draws pen and pencil, blocks laser sword) Oh, you always know just how to hear me.

*Que Pasa and No Name duel while racing side-by-side.*

No Name: Your form has improved, young GAYdawan!

Que Pasa: Not as much as your ugly!

*No Name thrusts his blade towards Que Pasa, but Que Pasa is able to perform a great leap into the air above it. He lands with a thud, then kick-starts his flaming blades again. He then jabs his utensils forward while speeding into No Name from behind. However, No Name goes into some crazy split so that Que Pasa sails under his legs.*

No Name: Hah!

Que Pasa: Well now I have your place, so ha!

*Que Pasa then misses a tight turn and goes off the edge of the boardwalk.*

Que Pasa: Fu-

No Name: (winces) He grazed me. (makes the turn easily)

*Siren had been riding backwards this whole time watching the whole battle break out, obviously turned on. Then she slides in reverse past the finish line and comes to a stop.*

Siren: I'm a winner! Yay!

Vendor Guy: You can pick your prize now. Remember, your cleavage earns you extra options.

Siren: I like this lei, I'll take it!

Vendor Guy: Of course, it's definitely different from the ones that are given away for free at the entrance.

*Siren takes the leigh and shows it to No Name.*

No Name: I can't believe I finally beat the bastard. Of course, I always beat him at anything that isn't a duel.

Siren: Look, you- (begins to put leigh over his hand)

No Name: (waves it off) No thanks, this clashes with my outfit. And good, sharp fashion is the key to making it in this world. You want me to get eaten by the sharks? Is that it? We're supposed to be friends!

Siren: Um... okay. (smiles innocently)

*She then looks over as Que Pasa has climbed up the side of the boardwalk and is gripping the edge when Lupine skates by holding up Dreamer in a figure skater pose... skating over Que Pasa's fingers fingers. After climbing up again, Que Pasa begins to abuse his skates.*

Que Pasa: Dammit, another classic screw up!

Lupine: (strolls up) I hear ya buddy. Things were going well until I dropped Dreamer. Might not have been so bad if it wasn't into a barrel of mayonnaise, and if that didn't set off a chain reaction which ended in acid spilling all over my hands.

Que Pasa: I don't care.

*At the beach, much of the remaining pirates are assembled in a volleyball game. That Krazy Dude, Shiny Stallone, Salama, Nemo and Frenchie are on one side while ADD, Jebus, Mini-Myself and Karl are set up on the other side. Scruffy steps up to the judge's stand.*

Scruffy: Hey guys, I've had a pretty good nap and now I'm gonna oversee this here volleyball match. We ready to start?

Jebus: Yo Fake Captain, we're one man short for our team.

Karl: (indicates Jebus) Have you met my friend? In case you haven't noticed, he's a motherfucking deity. I don't think you wanna be on his wrong side.

Scruffy: Personally Karl I think you touch children in your spare time, but I've invited a very special guest for this volleyball game.

*Darth Curry flips through a drum and onto the sand, wearing a black cape and swim trunks, immediately giving bows.*

Darth Curry: How's it swinging, bitches?

Mini-Myself: This guy? He's a freaking traitor!

ADD: Yeah, a damn babyfaced mctraitorpants!

*Everyone else gasps.*

That Krazy Dude: Too soon, man. Too soon.

Scruffy: (pinching forehead in exasperation) Moment of silence.

*Everyone stands silently, removing their hats and/or scalps. Cut to a Babyface McTraitorpants Memorial elsewhere on the beach, covered in flowers and inspirational messages.*

Scruffy: Let us never forget that man who singlehandedly saved us. Who gave his life for our crew. That little alien from the stars who taught us what it was like to be a hero.

Nemo: And now, let's play!

ADD: Ah Nemo, so you like to play this volleyball don't you?

Nemo: Um... yeah, it's not as fun as b-ball but it passes the time am I right!

Frenchie: I think ADD is right... tell me more about this volleyball.

Shiny Stallone: Why don't we just play the damn game!

Scruffy: Ready... set... TABOO!

*Scruffy shoots a fireball into the sky.*

Darth Curry: Curry Special! (serves the ball with a powerful ferocity)

Salama: I'm on this.

*Salama leaps up, stretching his flabby skin like an anorexic Mr. Fantastic in order to bump the ball back to the other court. The only person who is not extremely disturbed enough that they can bump the ball back is Karl, because he saw a whole lot of shit in the hood. That Krazy Dude intercepts the ball and bounces it forward.*

That Krazy Dude: I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now spike the ball.

*Nemo leaps up to spike the ball, and ADD lines himself up to take it in the face, but Frenchie quickly bowls Nemo over.*

Frenchie: Oh zilly me! I have but harmed my own team's score, even if I have saved the ADD from some pain at the same timing!

ADD: Nemo! Are you alright?

*ADD runs up Nemo, and begins applying CPR.*

Nemo: What the hell!

Frenchie: Don't overexasperate yourself, it never hurts to just give eet up! (wipes sweat off ADD's head with wet towel) Alzo, your makeup is running.

ADD: Dammit, this day is going to hell!

Shiny Stallone: What the hell! Can we play the game or not!

That Krazy Dude: (grips Shiny Stallone's shoulder with the intensity of like five or so suns) Life is but a game, Senor Pringles Man. Learn to play it. Get N or Get Out.

Shiny Stallone: (twitches and slaps Krazy's hand away) This is volleyball! This... is... serious fucking business!

Salama: (nods and massages Shiny's shoulders)

Act Three[edit]

*Back with the sand sculpture team...*

One-Armed Willy: We did it, man!

Stampede: We're, the motherfucking man!

eLFa: (blinks in confusion)

*Together the two have constructed a giant sand sculpture of a ferocious, hideous, slobbering beast with features slightly resembling White Panther.*

White Panther: Flattering.

Rudolph: (standing over White Panther with an umbrella) Approximately seventy percent of the sculpture appears to loosely be based on your own features.

White Panther: I get it.

Stampede: Oh come on, why do you even need an umbrella ya damn sub-human? Get some tan, why don't ya!

One-Armed Willy: Yeah, uh, sub-human or are you a sub-faggot? Actually Stampede I'm gonna have to call you a sub-faggot for even using a world like "sub-human" as an insult.

White Panther: My skin boils. Now, where we were we Rudolph? Ah yes. (slides a Buffy season DVD into his chest)

Rudolph: Tastes like hunky vampires.

White Panther: Exactly.

eLFa: I'm gonna start heading back. You're free to join... (notices Stampede and One-Armed Willy still prancing around like morons) Whatever.

Stampede: (takes a brief break from the prancing to glance back towards White Panther's retreating form)

*At the boardwalk...*

Siren: Look! Another game!

No Name: I'm tired of winning prizes. Winning prizes is beyond my capabilities right now.

Que Pasa: You mean you're not good enough.

No Name: Sure, why not.

Que Pasa: Then I shall, only to more definitely prove myself the more superior lifeform.

This Guy: Very well, son. Allow me to just briefly walk you through the rules of this game I have set up here for your entertainment. It is quite simple, you see. You take the darts. You aim if you so choose, and you toss them. Said dart strikes a balloon and in 99 percent of all cases causes it to burst. If you achieve that last step, you get a point. Performing so three times will earn you a step up of our normal prizes.

*Siren and No Name look on with anxiety and suspense. As for the other two, Lupine has tricked Dreamer into riding a giant bicycle with a giant front wheel with him.*

Que Pasa: I shall show you the full level of my skills, with just one dart.

*A tense silence fills the area as Que Pasa takes the one dart and places it within his Millennium Nose. The nose then splits into in an uncountable amount of smaller cannons, all of which fire pieces of the dart at high speeds. Every last balloon is punctured, as is this guy.*

Que Pasa: Prize me.

This Guy: This is in fact a most high form of a cheating that I should not condone in order to conduct a proper business. I can give you but one stuffed animal if you so wish. (juggles some)

Que Pasa: Very we- (looks at the other shaking their head) Wait, no. I'm a fucking pirate.

This Guy: ...A most wise consumer. Allow me to present the next level of prize: a live animal.

*This Guy tosses a black cat into Que Pasa's face and then runs away while Que Pasa falls off sneezing wildly, his face going red.*

Que Pasa: Cats allergize me! HACHOOO!!!

*No Name peels the cat off his face, and it strolls along the floor. Finally it stops by Siren, brushing up against her legs.*

Siren: Aw, how adorable this is!

Que Pasa: I...it likes you. Maybe you should keep it.

Siren: Really? I can keep it? Thanks!

No Name: Uh oh, Lupine dropped his acid beaker. The world doesn't need another of his accidents. (rushes off after Lupine's bicycle)

*Que Pasa and Siren are left alone, silhouetted by the setting sun.*

Que Pasa: Can we call it Chester?

Siren: I think she's a girl.

Que Pasa: Really? (pets the cat, hives bursting from his hand as he does so) Feels really smooth and silky!

Siren: Silky... let's call her that!

Que Pasa: Silky, I like it. (chugs down allergy pills)

Siren: (chuckles) Hold on a second! (puts the lei over his head) You just got leied.

Que Pasa: Ohoho... that's a cool idea.

*An awkward silence follows. Que Pasa looks uncertainly into the sunset, and then back into Siren's face.*

Que Pasa: Hey, Siren... you know...

*He goes silent, as Siren leans in closer out of confusion.*

Que Pasa: Ah.

*But then a dark shadow falls over them, and a thundering noise echoes. Looking over, Que Pasa sees a stormcloud blocking the sun.*

Siren: Looks like a storm. I wonder if Silky will be oka-

Que Pasa: DO NOT WORRY ABOUT SILKY I WILL BRING HER BACK TO THE SHIP NICE AND DRY! (runs off)

Siren: Huh.

Que Pasa: (thinks) I wonder what I was going to say.

Morgan Freeman: A torrential downpour started seconds later, breaking down everyone's dreams. I believe the sand sculpture was the first to be washed away.

One-Armed Willy: Bogus! (breaks down in tears)

Stampede: (embraces One-Armed Willy) There, there. There, there, man.

eLFa: (backs away in a state of creeped out)

Morgan Freeman: At that time, Edwin sat on bench in the pouring rain for some time, alone. Oh yes, and then there was the volleyball game.

Scruffy: Shall we call ourselves rained out?

Shiny Stallone: Fine, I'm sick of seeing these three fondling each other! (waves to Nemo, Frenchie and ADD rolling around in the sand)

ADD: I've never been so confused!

That Krazy Dude: My heart sings for them. Bury it at Wounded Torso.

Darth Curry: Seeya guys at the next booze cruise! (rides off on enchanted tricycle)

Scruffy: I love that guy.

Morgan Freeman: The pirates soon returned to the ship and reconvened within their precious lounge. But Shiny Stallone walked in with a most amious state of pissed-off, immediately tossing a table into a wall where it shattered and then slamming Nemo against a wall.

Shiny Stallone: That's it! I'm sick of all this. I'm a freaking don, I have a criminal empire to run! All of this... running around with you pirates is just a waste of my time! I... quit!

*Zoom in on Scruffy's face.*

Scruffy: No one quits the GCPA, unless they are brutally killed!

Shiny Stallone: Your world's coming to an end, Captain Scruffy! Everything's changing. (walks towards exit, adjusting his gloves) C'mon, Salama!

Salama: But... I'm having fun.

Shiny Stallone: ...Fine. I'll expect my stuff in the mail. (spits into Que Pasa's mouth and steps out the door)

Morgan Freeman: An awed silence falls over the bar.

Scruffy: Okay, guys. That was just an isolated incident. We have to remain calm. Remain together. Remain a team. How has everyone done? Are you all successfully re-mingled?

Morgan Freeman: An awkward silence pervades the room; the pirates are the opposite of gruntled.

Scruffy: Dammit, men! I expected you all to be as gruntled as you could be, and these are the results I get? I bet you don't know the true reason for all of this.

Rudolph: Your sex drive has expired.

Lupine: Bronze Cobra Conspiracy clone. Whatever happened to that arc?

Stampede: You're trying to fucking torture us with continuity, that's what the problem is here!

Scruffy: Wrong on all counts. You see, I was hoping that you would all get to know your peers among the crew, to help me decide which of you would be best suited to succeed me as captain.

Que Pasa: Um, aduh captain! Look at me, I'm the first mate! I'm next in line when you swallow a meatball that's a few sizes too large.

Scruffy: That's what I thought, Pasa. Until your stint as acting captain a few months ago. You brought our pirate crew to bankruptcy and nearly started a world war with the Vikings! You're not fit to be a leader. But I see now that you are perfectly suited for your current position as first mate. However, I still need a better man to succeed me as captain.

Lupine: That makes me-

Scruffy: No.

Lupine: (shuffles over to Corner of Shame and douses his hands with acid)

Scruffy: As you all know, several months ago I went mysteriously missing, as did several other pirates of this crew.

Que Pasa: Weirdly enough, I don't really remember anything that happened after Christmas. It's like reading about episodes of a tv show that were never filmed...

Scruffy: Yes, well I was off with Mr. T investigating the time stream. Because Saget was consuming it. He had captured No Name, Siren and Lupine too, but we've yet to deduce why he chose those guys specifically. Anyway, we managed to take him down. We won't be hearing from him for a while. But more importantly... I have decided that starting tomorrow, we shall be holding the captain's games to decide who shall be my heir to captainhood.

Que Pasa: Hold on, this is way messed up! I totally earned that captain position already!

Scruffy: Too bad, Pasa. My word is final. Anyone who wants to compete, may place their names in our goblet of fire.

Que Pasa: Grumblegrumble. (stomps off in a huff)

*Kevin Sorbo wheels out a giant goblet filled with oil and tosses a lit match into it, igniting it into flames. The entire goblet is consumed by the flames. Several minutes later, Kevin Sorbo returns with a fire extinguisher and puts out the inferno, leaving behind just ashes. Scruffy then passes around a basket for everyone to put names in.*

Epilogue[edit]

Morgan Freeman: In the dead of that very night....

*In his cabin, Que Pasa solemnly grabs all of his belongings and puts them within a hobo sack, then hoists it over his shoulder. He then slowly walks down the hallway, stopping by Scruffy's room. Looking at Scruffy's deeply unconscious form, he places a pen and pencil on his night stand.*

Que Pasa: Good night, my sweet captain. May my weapons protect you in your nightmares, and make your wet dreams soggier.

*He then steps out and continues walking down the hallway. He steps out and begins walking through a random garden.*

No Name: (steps out from the shadows) Where do you think you're going?

Que Pasa: I'm done, No Name. I'm not going anywhere in this crew. What's the point of staying around?

No Name: (begins to circle Que Pasa, in but his boxers) Que Pasa, the captain needs you like boobs need a bra. You're his support, man! How can he continue without you?

Que Pasa: He'll find a way. Or he'll find a new captain. Who isn't me. Why don't you come with me? Maybe we could start our own pirate crew.

No Name: My place is under Captain Scruffy's roof of wisdom, and so is yours! I signed an oath and a contract, and I kissed a man just to get where I am today! I will not leave, and neither should you!

Que Pasa: (slams hobo-sack across the ground in anger, and it makes a squeaking sound) Dammit No Name! I've made up my mind, and you caaaannnot change it!

*Que Pasa turns to leave, but No Name flips in front of him and flexes his biceps.*

No Name: Can't I?

Que Pasa: Your glistening Honduran skin does not intimidate me, not anymore! (fires several darts from his nose that pin No Name to the wall by his boxers)

No Name: Dammit! I cannot escape this trap without revealing my shame!

*Que Pasa then exits the garden to another corridor, but stops as he passes No Name.*

Que Pasa: Take care of yourself.

No Name: Will do, commishiona!

*Que Pasa nods and moves along. He notices another familiar form as he peeks into the kitchen.*

Que Pasa: Whatchou up to, Stampede?

Stampede: Just whipping up a midnight snack.

*Stampede, in his Metallica footsie pajamas, is brewing something in the microwave.*

Que Pasa: Well my dearest friend, I have a proposition for you: what if I decide to leave this crew and start a new one. You in?

Stampede: Dude, I can't make a decision like that so quickly. I need sleep and stuff. Plus I'm comfortable here.

Que Pasa: Curse your laid-back metal lifestyle! Will you at least not consider it?

Stampede: Maybe. But things are going well here. I don't wanna leave now.

Que Pasa: Fine, but you are my hero. As I walk, I shall carry a piece of you with me.

Stampede: Kinda creepy, but- (Que Pasa leaps forward and snips one of Stampede's hairs off) Okay now it's completely creepy. Get the illin' fuck outta here dude!

Que Pasa: I'll miss you too.

*Que Pasa steps out from the kitchen and continues down. Finally he steps out onto the deck and nears an escape boat. He takes a moment to look back up at the ship. The emblem of the Golden Cheesecake waved in the wind on the sail. The moon bathed the deck in an odd ambience, as the night air gave a slight chill to the area.*

Que Pasa: Goodbye, Golden Cheesecake. It's been great, but all good things must come to an end.

Skanky Siren: Not really.

*Que Pasa looks over to see Siren wearing a robe.*

Que Pasa: Siren! What are you doing here?

Skanky Siren: I was on my way to the pool deck for some midnight skinnydipping. You know, the usual! What about you? Why are you bringing good things to an end?

Que Pasa: The captain doesn't believe in me. Look at me, I'm a joke and I won't ever be more than that! I figure I should run away to see if I can grow up and live on my own. But you... can come too if you want. You can be my first mate. ...Co-captain!

Skanky Siren: (time-freezing pause, then laughs a bit) I don't think I'm ready to say goodbye to the Golden Cheescake yet. We're having so much fun here... and I have all these other things on the side I'm just so busy! But... if you're really running away... I'll miss you, Que Pasa. You always made things sunnier when I was feeling down. Just make sure you come back some day.

Que Pasa: I will. We will see each other again, and that I promise.

*They hug for like a minute in silence. Que Pasa boards the escape boat, sets off a squeaking noise after he accidentally sits on his hobo sack, and then sails off into the darkness. Siren watches for a moment, and then walks away.*

Que Pasa: (looks back towards the ship) Good night, my sweet Golden Cheesecake...

*Back at the kitchen, Stampede discreetly removes a stack of flapjacks from the microwave, covers them in syrup, and walks outside with them, placing them down on the ground, then leaning awkwardly against a railing as he waits. Within moments, a creature speeds over and begins tearing through the flapjacks.*

Stampede: Took you long enough...

*The creature looks up from the plate with a pancake hanging from its mouth, and smiling as it did so, revealing all fangs. Her blue eyes and blonde hair shimmer in the dark.*

White Panther: Mew...

Credits[edit]

*Credits sequence. Que Pasa and No Name stand atop the bar counter sharing the microphone.*

Que Pasa: Girl I'm in love with you. This ain't the honeymoon. Past the infatuation phase...

No Name: Right in the thick of love, At time we get sick of love. It seems we argue everyday.

Que Pasa: I know I misbehaved, and you made your mistakes. And we both still got room left to grow...

No Name: And though love sometimes hurts, I still put you first, And we'll make this thing work...

Que Pasa and No Name: (simultaneously) But I think we should take it slow.

Que Pasa: We're just ordinary people, we don't know which way to go. Cuz we're ordinary people, maybe we should take it slow.

No Name: Take it slow, take it slow... this time we'll take it slow.