Mr. T

"Next to God, there is no greater protector than I."
Full Name: Lawrence Tureaud
Birthdate: May 21, 1952
Species: Kickass Deity
Nationality: United States of America
Creator: The Great Pitier
First Appearance: The OnGoing Adventures of the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada

Background

Originally he was Lawrence Tureaud and worked as a janitor on the Blood-Red Eclair, as part of the crew of Shamus McScruffy. He was a simple and humble man but had great ideas. After one day, he found a dying man crashed into the ship, and this man passed his golden chain onto Tureaud. This transformed him into a primal embodiment of all that is kickass in the universe in its purest form... known only as Mr. T. He proceeded to kick ass and take names throughout the Great Pirate-Viking War, but even he could not face the Vikings' gods. This led him to contribute DNA to Project The Guz. After the end of the war and the crew's dissolution, Mr. T continued his duties as de facto Time Lord.

He first met with the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada on the moon. He appeared from nowhere, disguised as one of Whoopi Goldberg's nun henchwomen, and quickly helped Captain Monkeyman Scruffy and Que Pasa to defeat Whoopi. Afterwards he decided to join the crew as their bodyguard. Mr. T became of the captain's closest friends, and to the rest of the crew he was both an inspiration and a father figure. However, he was unable to accompany the GCPA in their big showdown with Bob Saget at the climax of The OnGoing Adventures of the Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada, due to the fact that while he was the embodiment of all kickass in the universe, Bob Saget was the embodiment of all evil, and being in the same room would destroy the entire universe (although there may be some loopholes under which they can confront each other).

Another of Mr. T's notable moments was The Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada Valentine's Day Special: Mind of the Tapdancer, Heart of Granola, where Mithos used his love-powers to control Mr. T (whom he affectionately referred to as T-Bone) and with his awesome powers took over the world, but T was eventually saved by his crew.

After the events of T-Ventures (see below), Mr. T set off on his own to seek Bob Saget's weakened body in an attempt to finish him off during the GCPA Finale. However, he ran into Bob Saget's whorecruxes, who apparently were more powerful than he compensated for. He was apparently defeated, his actual fate being unknown, but he sent one last message to Scruffy warning him that one member of his pirate crew would become Bob Saget. It was shown that he was somehow petrified into a large black rock, although his exact status in uncertain. Que Pasa retrieved a piece of his gold from this for use in destroying Saget. In the end, the pirates were able to summon Mr. T back with their imaginations/memories, at which point he dropped the Sun on Shine Saget, destroying him for good and temporarily destroying existence. Afterwards, Mr. T and Mr. Feeny both decided to ascend, with Mr. T passing on his gold to Karl, who became the new Mr. T.

Good Timeline

Within main OGs, Mr. T crash-lands in the ending of Gamehiker Member OG Sidequest: MAGIKOOPA???, acting as the deus ex machina to resolve the plot somehow and whisk Golem away on a mission to save all of time from Saget. It is revealed that Mr. T is in fact a Time Lord and the Van is a TARDIS. In T-Ventures, Mr. T is shown to also be accompanied by a group of alternate Golems and Scruffy in their quest, although most of the Golems are lost in the ensuing battle with Saget. This is the first time so far that Mr. T and Saget have met in personal hand-to-hand combat, but the universe not being destroyed might be explained away by Saget's special Darkseid-brand armor.

Abilities

Mr. T is mighty strong and can toss any opposers helluva far, or simply beat them to the ground. A master of every fighting art, he is also skilled with firearms, his favorite gun being the BFG. Practically nothing can penetrate his invulnerable school, which was built up by years of drinking milk, staying in school and not doing drugs (Although during his first meeting with the crew, Que Pasa asked, "Is that what you look like when you take steroids?", angering the T-Man).

He has also let the crew ride in his van on occasion, so long as he drives.

Trivia

• Mr. T once made his own rap song urging people across the world to respect their mothers.
• Abram T. Pitydafool is based on the real-life Mr. T.

Other Appearances

• Near the end of Member OG 8: This Title is irrelevant, Lupus sought some sort of artifact that would grant him the powers of Mr. T. Eerie II was exposed to it instead.
• In Member OG 10: Full Circle, Mr. T was appointed as a bodyguard to the Authors from Q-Space after the different dimensions were all fused together.

Quotes

"And I'm helluva tough!"

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"So it was that fool Bob Saget that was really behind it all. I knew it was him. You can tell by his crappy performance in Fool and Foolerer."

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Scruffy: What? What happened? Where are we?

Mr. T: On the deck of the Golden Cheesecake, fool. You flew right onto the deck. You must drink your milk.

Scruffy: Yeah whatever. But where are the others?

Mr. T: Don't know. Mr. T did see fourteen streaks of fool-light spreading across this fool fool universe. Don't touch my gold.
-An exchange from The OnGoing Adventures of the GCPA.

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"That sucka will never quit, foo'! But me? Mister T's got his own school of problems! I've gotta live in a world full of punks, chumps, and suckas with no idea of the rules of life! Mister T's always gotta be careful not to punch them helluva far!"
-His World of Cardboard Speech