GCPA Finale Chapter 4
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This is no beginning.
This is the final cut.
Cold Opening
*Stampede rises from his bed and waters his Venusaur.*
Stampede: Good morning, child.
White Panther: (slinks out of bed in business suit) So what's the deal for today, Mr. President?
Stampede: (slicks his short hair up) WE ROCK.
*Zoom out to show the bedroom is in the head of Washington- a giant Washington robot that stomps its way across the ocean while firing missiles at various enemies and would-be assassins (and any emo bands that are coincidentally caught in the crossfire). Stampede, in presidential garb, poses in a rockerish pose with his hands making devil symbols, with White Panther standing by his side dignified and holding a stack of books, as they look out the window which is actually the right eye of Washington.*
White Panther: (makes hand symbols with four fingers on one hand and two on another) Gangstaaaa.
Act One
The Golden Cheesecake Pirate Armada Presents:
The End Complete, Part IV: The Penis and the Cobbler
*Scruffy sits in his bed, playing around with a ship in a bottle.*
Scruffy: Alright, first mate. What is the first order of business?
*He holds up his other hand, which has Que Pasa's skull on it, and he operates it in the manner of a puppet.*
Scruffy: (Que Pasa voice) Well my dear captain, the first order of business would be impregnating your whorish mother!
Scruffy: (chuckles) Oh Pasa, you always know the right words to stir my soups.
*Lupine, the Dreamer, Edwin and That Krazy Dude are peering through the door in concern.*
Lupine: Uh... Captain Scruffy?
Scruffy: Ah, my beloved crewmates! I was just discussing your terms of negotiation with my old friend, Pasa von Pasa here! Won't you have a seat and sing with me for a while?
The Dreamer: Why don't we go out on a nature walk?
Scruffy: Our ship... she is in the fog!
Edwin: I wouldn't say that. I'd say we came here because we just hit an island. A creepy-ass cove in fact.
That Krazy Dude: I've put on my sluttiest attire. Can't ve go out for a night on ze town, mein fuhrer?
Scruffy: This is crazy insanity. I don't want my birds flying the next. But... yes, as long as Pasa and I accompany you.
The Dreamer: (places hand on Scruffy's shoulder sympathetically) Captain... Que Pasa is dead.
Scruffy: (pauses for a moment, then speaks through Que Pasa's skull) That's what she said! Wahahaha!
The Dreamer: But-
*Edwin taps her on the shoulder and shakes his head.*
Morgan Freeman: And so the Penis Brigade stepped down the catwalk, setting foot into the mysterious cove, which was full of eeriness and darkness. The first land they had touched in weeks, aside from a piece of granite Krazy had molested a few days back. They had been lost in some kinda fucking fog that surrounded the cove.
Scruffy: Alright, crew. We're gonna stick together and gather any sex, drugs and rock and roll we can find in this asshole cave, for use in bartering for our freedom. Find any monkeys... leave them to me.
Lupine: (whispers to Edwin) Is it just me, or does the captain seem a bit crazier than usual?
Edwin: Post traumatic stress disorder, every chump and their cousin gets it. He's fine, like that centerfold I showed you.
That Krazy Dude: Seems pretty normal for me. I wouldn't expect any better etiquette from everyone's favorite Penguin Emperor.
The Dreamer: I'm concerned for his wellbeing, I truly am.
That Krazy Duyde: Well I brought the nachos. (hands out rocket lunchers to everyone)
Lupine: Holy typos!
That Krazy Dude: No no, my little nibblet; watch this. (the rocket luncher fires bento lunchboxes at a wombat wandering by, exploding it)
Scruffy: Alright men, everyone grab a lantern and I can light-
Lupine: Ooh no, leave it to me!
*Lupine holds out his hand, revealing a mechanical device attached to his palm. Pressing a button with a thumb causes a jet of flame to shoot out and burn up the rocket launchers.*
Scruffy: What in George Peppard's holy name are you doing, fool?
Lupine: It's a Prometheus Device! I found them in No Name's lab when we were cleaning them out. And look! I got another one for you!
*Lupine tosses one towards Scruffy. Scruffy flicks his fingers to shoot up a spark of flame that causes the device to combust.*
Scruffy: I got my own flame. What's the point.
Lupine: We coulda been... flame buddies.
That Krazy Dude: Gaaaay.
Lupine: (pummels Krazy Dude with rolling pin while Krazy grunts sexually) Shut up, it wasn't meant like that.
The Dreamer: It's okay, Lupine. It's clear that you are experiencing some very conflicting emotions, Sort them out as you will.
Scruffy: Silence, everyone! Can't you ever give Ol' Pasa a chance to speak? (holds up Que Pasa head) Dis cave is messed up, homedawgs! It'll make our negative feelings negativer and negativer as we go further into the cave... the key is not to get lost in da dark. Meowth, that's right!
Edwin: Better, better, your just have to adjust your pitch more and work in more stock Italian phrases.
The Dreamer: So we should all hold hands, and walk off into the dark together, just like the friends that we are.
Scruffy: Very well. (holds up a lantern in one hand, while grabbing Lupine's hand in Que Pasa's jaw as Lupine winces in pain) Let us proceed!
Lupine; Ow! Is that... acid leaking from his jaw? (grabs Dreamer's hand with his free one)
Scruffy: I'm not the judge, so let's move along.
That Krazy Dude: I shall take this and raise you all from behind. (grabs Dreamer's other hand) Now hold my hand, little eaglet!
Edwin: Know what? I can't take this. This... the stress of the modern American lifestyle just ain't working!
Scruffy: Edwin, the cave is making you speak gibberish. Grab the janitor's cum-soaked hand!
That Krazy Dude: That's my special ranch dressing.
Edwin: I'll, I'm gonna hang back at the ship, I gotta clear my head.
The Dreamer: Very well. We shall miss you Edwin.
Scruffy: Take care of the boat then, boy. No one else gets split up, got it?
Lupine: Crystal clear, captain. Take care, Edwin.
Edwin: I will. I will...
*Edwin begins to walk back towards the ship, looking back forlornly to see Scruffy and the other three as they disappear into the darkness.*
Edwin: I can do this.
*He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cardboard box that has several labels crossed out on it - from Shrink Ray to Time Machine to Gender Converter - with the latest label being Teleporter, like all the other labels being spelled in blocky childlike handwriting.*
Edwin: Time to leave this world for a while... (pulls a parachute out of his other pocket) I can make it on my own. (leaps into the box and disappears with the box, leaving behind a single tear on the ground)
Morgan Freeman: Back at Washington, Stampede strolls through a series of dimly lit hallways. The only sound is the hum of ventilation shafts.
Stampede: Wonder where White Panther went off to.
*Suddenly, violins begin playing as if from a loudspeaker throughout the hallway. There are none, though.*
Stampede: The fuck...? Why is...
*The violins play onwards, into an eerie version of the Full House theme. He looks around in confusion and stumbles into a parlor.*
Stampede: WHATDAFUCK!
*Bob Saget is sitting in an armchair, a drink in his hand.*
Bob Saget: Please, have a seat. Let's talk.
Stampede: (spasms wildly out)
*At the same time, one Secret Service Dude (hired only to resemble Solid Snake) stumbles into the bedroom.*
Secret Service Dude: Mr. President?!
Act Two
Morgan Freeman: And elsewhere those pirates, they did press on further into the darkness.
That Krazy Dude: Should we sing folk songs? When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary sings to me... "Cha-la! Head chala!"
Scruffy: Enough talking. You fools. We must evade the beast of the caves!
*At this point they fall silent. The cave is filled with one of the most silent silences I have enountered. There is the vague sound of dripping water. And the sound of something sniffing the air with a vaccuum-like nose.*
*They slowly stand there, as Scruffy slowly raises his flame. It is a blind, mole-like, giant Brad Garrett on all fours, sniffing the air.*
Brad Garrett: RRRAAAAAYYMOOOONNNND!
*Brad Garrett proceeds to pound the ground with his paw, which flips the four pirates over onto their butts. Brad Garett then focuses himself in their directions.*
Brad Garrett: Who's there?! Someone to see Raymond. It figures, no one comes to see me... YEEEVERYBODY LOOOOVES RAYMOND!
*The Brad Garrett stampedes forward while the pirates dive to the side with their hands still linked.*
The Dreamer: My foot is in something wet.
Scruffy: What she said. Now let's get this beast out of the way!
*The Brad Garrett roars upon hearing them and leaps forward, while Scruffy prepares a flameball with his free hand and tosses it into the beast's face.*
Lupine: Can't... stand here and do nothing!
Scruffy: Just don't let go of anyone, got it?
Lupine: Fine, fine!
*As the Brad Garrett lands, Lupine begins kicking it in the face repeatedly.*
Brad Garrett: (being thrashed) RAY! RAY! RAY!
The Dreamer: Oh my! Get him well, Lupine!
That Krazy Dude: Oh Lupina, don't forget to wash behind the ears! (uses his free hand to tickle a feather into Brad Garret's ear)
Brad Garrett: RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYMOOOOONNNNNDDD!!!
*His deep booming voice sends all of them flying back, and they land in the lake that Dreamer had stepped into. The water begins to reel them in immediately as Brad Garret starts to step towards the water.*
Lupine: What is this?!
Scruffy: Que Pasa is trying to explain, but he's too busy keeping you from getting lost!
Lupine: C'mon Cap'n, do we all we all really have to have our hands linked? I can't use my Prometheus Device!
Scruffy: We can't lose each other. We're all gonna stick together til the end until you like it or not!
That Krazy Dude: I can see my house from here! Or... is it?
*At this point, a low moaning rises up from the lake.*
The Dreamer: Guysguysguys. (looks down) WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE?!
*Some shapes appear in the water, rising towards them. As they draw nearer, they are all revealed as a swarm of pasty Doris Robertses, all rising and homing in towards them.*
Brad Garrett: MAAAA! I GOT IT!
*All four of the pirates feel the hands gripping them... and then yanking them all down into the water.*
All: Glugluglug...
Peter Boyle's Voice: (echoes from afterlife) MAARRRIIIIEEE! SANDWICH!
Lupine: Mmph!
*Lupine kicks off the Doris Robertses that are gripping him and then spins his legs like a turbine, propelling them all back towards the surface while also blowing away the ones holding down Dreamer and Krazy.*
Lupine: We're gonna make it after all!
That Krazy Dude: I'm afraid not, Inspector Shirley.
*A massive amount of Doris Robertses are still stuck to That Krazy Dude, whose head is just barely above the water.*
That Krazy Dude: I guess that the penis points south every now and then, don't it?
Scruffy: No! It can't be! (begins tossing flames towards the Doris Roberts, but they are extinguished by the water.*
That Krazy Dude: 'scool... I'll be okay...
Dreamer: Krazy, what are you doing?
Lupine: Krazy no!
That Krazy Dude: (looks towards them all) You made a good friend, to me... (lets go of Dreamer's hand) While you were outnumbered and torn, they made us do things...
*They then pull him underwater, and he is not heard from again.*
Act Three
Morgan Freeman: And in the room, where Stampede is meeting up with Bob Saget. The room no longer has doors.
Stampede: No. Man, dude... no! You're dead, you're fucking dead, just... stop being here!
Bob Saget: It's not that simple. It never is, when it comes to supervillains' death. Let's see, your friends did go all out this time... they destroyed my body, destroyed all my spare souls...
Stampede: Dude! You don't even have a body! This is- how did you get on the couch! This... holy crap man!
Bob Saget: You don't understand, you never knew. I live on in you, The Guz. We're in your head right now.
*Cut to the Secret Service Guy looking on in horror as he sees Stampede sitting on the bed with a blank stare.*
Stampede: Get... man get... out! I don't wanna be in here. Who let you in man anyway? Dude!
*Stampede goes over to the door and struggles to open it.*
Bob Saget: Let's talk Stampede. Sit down, have some delicious food.
*Saget motions to a buffet table that is filled with tacos.*
Stampede: Wait on second. One fucking second...
*Stampede rubs his temple as he steps across the room.*
Stampede: You're in my head. This is my fucking head you're in. That means, I'm fucking in control now!
*Stampede blinks, and has a bunch of vines strap Saget down.*
Stampede: Illin'! Now I gotta get you the fuck outta my head!
Bob Saget: (suddenly behind Stampede) I don't think so.
Stampede: What the- (turns around and doesn't see Saget there anymore, then looks back to find the couch empty) Where the fuck did you go?!
*Stampede then looks on the other side. Saget's head is now growing out of Stampede's shoulder.*
Bob Saget: I've built strong roots here. See, you've only been renting this body all this time. I am its rightful owner. And I am ready to take it back.
*Stampede looks away from the Saget head, to see he is now tumbling down a hellish void with flames and parakeets bursting everywhere. The tacos fall around them.*
Bob Saget: You have two choices. The easy and hard ways. Eat the tacos, and get rid of all responsibility forever. I will lock you away in a perfect dream in one portion of your mind while I do what I will with your body. Otherwise, you will experience something like this... until the inner you is finally gone, and I shall consume you anyway.
Stampede: But... this is stupid! What good is my body anyway, I don't have The Guz powers!
Bob Saget: I have experience. I don't need girlish hair to channel The Guzforce. You don't even know, you've never sucked dick for cocaine!
*As he speaks, more and more hands sprout from Stampede and begin punching him in the face.*
Stampede: Who... the hell... do you think... you are... DUDE!
Bob Saget: Isn't it obvious?
Morgan Freeman: This is a good place to cut back to the cave, right? Scruffy, Lupine and Dreamer doggie paddle as furiously as they can from Brad Garrett, whose pursuit is eternal.
Scruffy: You see?! You let go of Krazy, you lose him forever!
Lupine: He let go himself! And it wasn't just that he let go that doomed him, it was the million old ladies dragging him down!
The Dreamer: Let us be calm. We're all the GCPA has left now. And look! Safety!
*The Dreamer feels a rock ledge in the middle of the lake and starts to pull herself up over it.*
The Dreamer: Ugh... I can't pull both of you up!
Scruffy: Just try!
*Brad Garrett is roaring towards them, while Scruffy attempts to bombard him with fireballs.*
Lupine: I can't do much, I just gotta try-
Scruffy: Shut up fool, and let me concentrate!
The Dreamer: Maybe if we discussed a more civil-
*Lupine then violently yanks his hand back from Scruffy's, shattering Que Pasa's skull at the same time, and as Scruffy falls to the water he aims the Prometheus Device towards the Brad Garrett's face. It fires a puff of flame before shorting out from the water.*
Lupine: Whaaa... (begins to knock on it while black smoke steams out)
The Dreamer: LUPINE!
*Brad Garrett than smashes into the rocky ledge, which shatters.*
Morgan Freeman: And elsewhere in Stampede's mind...
*Now all the hands have stopped punching Stampede, and they all hold a taco.*
Bob Saget: Stampede, I am your father.
Stampede: What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Bob Saget: Also, I am your son.
Stampede: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Bob Saget: Also, I am you.
Stampede: cccccccccckkkkkkkk are you even talking about?!
*Stampede looks on, with some look of horrified surprise frozen on his face.*
Bob Saget: How I have engineered everything for this moment. One of pure and utter perfection. The Secret of The Guz. Thikn you're old enough to know?
Stampede: I kinda fucking think so.
Bob Saget: See, once upon a time a pirate god called The Guz was bred. And he was so awesome, so great, so dashing. But no one really cared for him... no one appreciated everything he did for them! Hounded to the ends of the cosmos, they thought they got him with some stupid ass meteor that destroyed the world. Ended existence. Gave birth to everything.
*The vision shifts, and they're now all in a garden sitting on branches of a giant tree. Tacos grow from every branch, above Stampede's face taunting him.*
Stampede: It didn't, did it?
Bob Saget: Everything's a lie. A god such as The Guz could not be killed so easily. Nothing can end. Instead, it caused everything that constituted The Guz to fall backwards in time. See, two things made up The Guz: the Guzforce, and the body. The body fell quite far back, and eventually landed with a new life. He sought power. He sought to replicate the birth of The Guz so that he could reclaimn his old power. He took on the name of the only man he considered a father... Robert Lane.
Stampede: That... can't be! That's... fucking confusing, man! I mean... The Guz is supposed to be me, right?! What the fuck?
Bob Saget: I'm getting to that part. The Guzforce did not reach my body. Not ever. Instead, it stopped not long before the common era, and settled in the womb of a pregnant woman. From my studies, I learned that it affected the child in the womb and also caused a second embryo to come into existence. I believe that The Guzforce was split between you - that second embryo - and your half twin brother.
Stampede: I have a half twin brother? Please don't say it's White Panther.
Bob Saget: No, but you might have spooned him once or twice. Your brother is also entuned with The Guzforce... I recognized that and tried to make him my apprentice because of it... that krazy fool.
Stampede: Dude! That Krazy Dude! ...is my brother? What the fuck kinda revelations are these?!
Bob Saget: Give me some time and I'll think up more mind screws.
Morgan Freeman: And in the cave, Scruffy emerges from the water gasping from air in a subcavern.
Scruffy: Where be I...? What happened?
*Standing on a pedestal is some sort of idol of three monkeys contorted around a tree trunk.*
Scruffy: AH! That must be the treasure!
monkey 1: yes! treasure, treasure yes, the treasure of loneliness.
Scruffy: Very mean treasure!
monkey 3: oh scruffy, oh dearest monkeyman scurffy, we're here to help you. to learn to live on your own.
Scruffy: No... I don't need that. I have a whole crew. We're gonna save the world, all over again!
monkey 2: end end end everything's gonna end, just bend over and accept it
monkey 1: what can you save? make a list of the things you can save and we can tell you how they will be unsaved
monkey 3: come with us, grab us, come alone and disappear into yourself forever
monkey 1: we can teach you how to be alone forever. then you'll never end, over and over, because you will have already ended
Scruffy: My friends... they need me.
monkey 2: end end end, they're all ending. nothing can be saved in the ending, in the end everything's the same or nothing is. nothing... nothing... nothing is.
*Scruffy angrily flame-backhands the idol into a cliff, shattering it.*
Scruffy: Fuck that shit!
Morgan Freeman: At the same time, at a penis farm in southern Kentucky... nah just messing with ya it's back with the cave. Lupine and Dreamer lie in rocky rubble, their hands still linked.
Lupine: Cap'n.... Cap'n, where are you?
*Silence follows.*
The Dreamer: Our captain... where has he gone? How has everything gone so horribly awry?
Brad Garrett: RAAAAYYYMOOOND... EVERYYYYYONE LOVES RAAAYYYYMOOONDD...
Lupine: Oh no, he's still kicking.
The Dreamer: How are we gonna fight him? I forgot whether or not I have any actual useful powers!
Lupine: I'll divert him. I can fight him at full strength if you're not holding onto me.
The Dreamer: But... what if we lose each other?
Lupine: That's stupid! We can let go of each other's hands for a few minutes without anything bad happening. I've gotta do this, for my honor as a man!
The Dreamer: Okay, Lupine. Whenever you're ready to let go...
*They can hear Brad Garrett's sniffing as he inches near.*
Lupine: Seeya soon.
*Lupine lets go of Dreamer's hand and does a ninja backflip, landing in front of Brad Garrett. He furiously unleashes every punch, kick, jutsu and summoned weapon he can think of, spamming various powers and seemingly whipping up new ones at the same time.*
Brad Garrett: RRRAAARRR!!! EEVVVVERYONE PICKS ON POOOOR OLD ROOOOOBERT!
Lupine: I don't care! I'm pissed at everything that EXISTS!
*With another roar, Brad Garrett rushes forward to trample Lupine, only for a blaze of fire to leap forward and tackle Brad Garrett over. It is Scruffy, who furiously blasts him with a diverse range of flame attacks.*
Scruffy: Whaddya know fool, looks like we found each other again. Guess a little dip wasn't enough to put my fire out. Let's take this guy out.
Lupine: ....Will do, Cap'n. Just like... old times.
*Scruffy surrounds his fists in flames, while Lupine rubs ninja cheetah blood on his feet, and they both rush towards the enraged Brad Garrett at the same time. Punches and kicks barrage the angry Brad Garret, who continues to roar in pain. Finally, Lupine takes the sparking Prometheus Device and shoves it into Brad Garrett's eye, causing him to scream and recoil in pain, then finally back up and collapse into the lake.*
Lupine: We did it!
Scruffy: Indeed we did. Now we have to get out of here as soon as we can.
Lupine: What do you mean? We need to find the treasure first.
Scruffy: There's no treasure here. It's useless. We have to get out of here.
Lupine: Fine, just hold on a second. (shouts) Dreamer! You can come out now, it's over!
*Silence.*
Scruffy: ...
Lupine: DREAMER!
Scruffy: She's gone. Just like the others.
Lupine: What... no! Damn it, damn you, damn it all!
*Lupine walks off in a huff, while Scruffy follows after.*
Scruffy: Such a fool...
Morgan Freeman: Back at Stampedeville...
Stampede: You want this body so you can use the Guzforce?
Bob Saget: That plus the sake of needing a body again. I'm all of me that's left.
Stampede: No fucking way! I like being in the fucking real world, man!
Bob Saget: Really? You don't even have any control here.
Stampede: We'll see about that.
*Stampede focuses and imagines White Panther above him, then his mind tears the tree apart and binds it to him like armor. Already Saget had set everything around him on fire.*
Bob Saget: You don't understand. Here I am everything. And one day, the entire universe will be my mind.
Stampede: Fuckiing sick ass guy!
*Stampede begins to punch at Saget with tree trunk arms, and summons a collosal mental image of Karl that pisses out the fires.*
Bob Saget: Ugg!
Stampede: Dude, I ain't no low-life mercenary anymore! I've got reasons to live and get out of my own fucking mind, no wild fantasy or fucking mind fuck revelations can change that!
*Bob Saget whines and then melts away.*
Bob Saget: But wait!
*The voice is from inside Stampede's mouth- looking at his reflection in water, he sees Saget has become one of his teeth.*
Bob Saget: You don't know who cut your hair.
Stampede: And you fucking do?
Bob Saget: Of course. It was all part of my master plan. So you would not be able to tap into The Guzforce and force me out. Only I still can.
*Stampede spits Saget out into a rock. Upon making contact with the rock, he explodes into a million tacos that rain down, each taco having Saget's face cryptically printed on it.*
Bob Saget: Let me show you, let me show you.
*Stampede steps out of the parlor, all the tacos hopping after him. He walks down the hallway until he finds one door that he just knows is the right door. Stampede opens it, and White Panther turns from a corner, squinting as blinded by the light.*
Stampede: ...You?
*A giant spider with Saget's head crawls into the room next to Stampede.*
White Panther: Stampede. Where am I... this isn't Washington is it?
Bob Saget: I pulled you into our friend's mind here. So you could tell the truth... of your betrayal.
White Panther: No, I...
Stampede: What's going on?
Bob Saget: White Panther. After birth she was abandoned into a rift in time and space... until my dear friend Curry found and raised her as her little cub.
White Panther: I... I didn't mean any trouble, I seriously didn't.
Bob Saget: She did it, she did it. As Curry taught her, she got close to you, learned your weakness, and... destroyed you with it.
*They are in the presidential bedroom, while White Panther silently sheaves his hair with her claws.*
Stampede: Why...
White Panther: I thought... it was the best thing to do. You never liked your powers anyway. I... really do...
*Stampede turns away.*
Stampede: I need to think. I'm hungry... than I'll think.
Stampede: (bites into one taco) Food is good right now. (then begins consuming taco after taco)
Bob Saget: You're signing the wills to your body to me. All is mine, all is me. You see?
White Panther: Stampede, stop! He's...
Bob Saget: You were a sleeper agent from the beginning. The timing seemed so perfect... everyone was so focused on the other mctraitorpants.
White Panther: I just surveyed, I never really betrayed.
*Stampede silently begins sucking up more tacos. Water begins flowing into the room.*
Bob Saget: Don't even talk. He's losing himself, he's losing you. As he is handing me his body, I shall start his perfect dream simulation with a... revenge fantasy. Your services are no longer needed. You don't even care, do you?
Stampede: (mindlessly consumed tacos) ...Nothing else matters.
White Panther: (looks down)
*The ground beneath Stampede and Saget rises. They are now in a pier about ten feet above the water, looking down the side where White Panther sits atop a crate that is partially submerged in water.*
White Panther: No!
*A shark swims in the waters.*
Bob Saget: (appears on Stampede's face) Don't you love it?
Stampede: NO!
Morgan Freeman: And so Stampede suddenly regained control of himself while the shark made its way towards that White Panther. Running towards the edge of that pier, he did dive straight in, head first. The shark diverted its way to find him.
Saget: A fool, he is. Very well; I have the keys to his body and mind. While his soul and love will die here, in his mind.
Epilogue
*"Stampede" wakes up and steps out of his cocoon in the presidential bed, immediately spearing the Secret Service guy with his hand. His face now has a different twist to it.*
Guz Saget: It's good to be back. Now, Supreme Viceroy Curry, what say you?
Darth Curry: (gets down on one knee) My liege. Intruders have been detected in the hidden cave. We have caught two of them.
Guz Saget: Ah... so they discovered the secret passage...
*Guz Saget shifts his fingers into pliers and reaches into his nose, then plucks That Krazy Dude and The Dreamer out and tosses them to the ground, where they both shiver in terror/trauma/confusin.*
That Krazy Dude: This is a sick joke! Why are you back, and him? Is this a Facebook/Off?
Guz Saget: Look, it's the geese from the henhouse. I'm afraid that Stampede is no longer in the house... and neither is White Panther. What made you think you could even stand a chance?
The Dreamer: Pure mathematics, Saget. The computed totals of friendship and love always outweigh the force of your evil and cold reality, even judging by atomic weight.
Guz Saget: You're right about that. That is why I engineered all of that. I realized that in order to truly win, I would have to truly understand these concepts. And now I have killed frienship and love. You have no weapons that can aid you. You foolish pirates are getting a big wake-up call from reality. Because, you see, I finally win.
That Krazy Dude: We're still here... (eyes widen, as if receiving anal sex) Or are we?
Guz Saget: Curry, take the prodigal Moose and Miss China away and show them to their new jobs.
Darth Curry: With gusto, milord!
*Darth Curry drabs the stunned Krazy and Dreamer out of the trapezoid office, leaving Guz Saget looking out through the left eye of Washington.*
Guz Saget: I can feel it now... you have no more friends anymore.
Morgan Freeman: On the Golden Cheesecake...
*The dining room. Scruffy and Lupine sit at opposite ends of the table, each eating their plates of burned angel hair pasta in complete silence.*
Lupine: ...
Scruffy: (chews down food)
Lupine: ...
Scruffy: (drinks whisky through silly straw)
Lupine: ...I quit.
Scruffy: (blinks)
Lupine: ...
*Scruffy continues eating. Lupine gets up from his chair and walks off to his room.*
Morgan Freeman: The Golden Cheesecake lay docked at a Hawaiian island. Lupine, with a man-purse slung over his shoulder, walked down the docking ramp to the shore with Wally scurrying overlooked in his shadow. Scruffy looked away to the sunset as he began to sail away from the island. Neither of them looked back. And the Golden Cheesecake sailed on into the fog...
Post-Credits Sequence
Morgan Freeman: Sailing through a deep fog, a tall tower soon poked through. The ship sailed directly towards it, and soon the world government's logo was apparent, as were the fact that it was Washington's fucking boot, as were a small fleet of encroaching navy ships. Scruffy raised his hands into the air.
Scruffy: I surrender.
*The navy cannons all fire simultaneously.*
| Chapters in The OnGoing Adventures of the GCPA |
| 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 |